i feel like a fraud

[billiejane]

hi, so i have an appointment with the laurels in exeter, a gender identity clinic with the nhs, and i just cant help feeling im a fraud in some way. it feels like that because i do not have a solid idea of what i am or what i want, that its silly to see them. does that make sense?

i also am generally viewed as a gorrilla in life, because im big, and really kinda hairy, and i know its silly but i just cant help feel that they will just laugh at me, tell me to man up and show me the door.

i cant help feel that maybe im just depressed and this is a side effect, or maybe im depressed because of it. maybe im just scared, or maybe its my sub concious saying i really dont want it.

ughhh i just feel like i am deluding people, myself and anyone else around. 

[mrs izzy]

I could say yes to all or i could say no to all. Or even 50/50 etc.

The question of gender identity is only yours to know.

Outside wrapping has nothing to do with whats on the inside.

So Relax, calm down and looking inside you and find the truth.

The truth has to guide the path.

[helen2010]

The clinic is there to help you understand yourself.  I think that because we experience dysphoria which makes us feel uncomfortable as binary males that we feel fraudulent as males.  We try hard to fit but we can't.

This means that until we understand, accept and learn to express ourselves we don't feel comfortable or authentic.  When you also worry that you may not 'look the part' it really plays with your confidence.

The good news is that the days of being rejected because "you will never pass" are largely gone.  It was this sort of therapy that caused me much delay and unnecessary grief, in fact it took me a further 17 years before I was diagnosed and accepted that I was trans*.

Apologies for the ramble but I think that you are naturally nervous.  Be open and honest, and all will be as it should be.  Please let us know how you get on.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Mikaela]

What was said above. Good stuff that.

I just want to add, that with your concerns, the therapy you are seeking is exactly what you should be doing. Hopefully they can help give you some clarity.

This is a difficult thing to do, but you have taken the first step. Allow yourself to feel odd, it's ok. Therapy may be able to lessen the feeling, and give you a better picture of what's going on inside.

Mikaela

[Colleen M]

I tend to think that if you don't know who you are and don't know what you want to be, then you must be the poster child for people who need therapy.  What better place to get those answers?  People who know exactly what they want have very little business in therapists' offices.  If "manning up" was what you really wanted to do, you'd have done it on your own.  It may yet be the best course for you, I get the impression if you did it without therapy you'd always wonder. 

And remember that quote about how at 20, we worry about what other people think of us.  At 40, we stop worrying about what other people think of us.  At 60, we realize nobody was thinking about us in the first place.  You have to do what makes you happy.  Fear is what keeps us from driving down mountain roads and crashing at 300kph, so it does have some value.  OTOH, If you let the fear keep you from ever driving down the mountain road at all, you miss some wonderful scenery, and a little fear adds so much zest to a lovely ride.  Go ask some truly old people what their mistakes in life were, and notice how few regret what they did relative to how many regret what they didn't do.       

At the end of the day, do what you have to do to make yourself whole.  Nobody else can tell you whether that's therapy or running away to join the French Foreign Legion.  Life is not a dress rehearsal, and it is not supposed to be what happened to you while you were making plans.     

[Ms Grace]

It's pretty rare for people starting therapy to know all the answers. Don't worry about your looks/appearance - an "overly masculine" physique does not preclude you from being transgender. Do be prepared to talk about how you feel, that's the most important component and helps you and the counsellor to get quickly to the heart of the issue.

[TessaMarie]

Hi Billie Jane,

I have been on HRT for over a year, and I still have no idea where this journey is going to take me.

I still present as male.  I find that more comfortable.  The thought of presenting female in public still terrifies me.  I also do not know if that is what I really want.  HRT has resolved many of the emotional & mental issues that were causing me distress.  No more distress means that I am not in a hurry to change very much.

So here I am, happy to be presenting a male face to the world, & yet needing female hormones to counter both the dysphoria and the depression resulting from it.

I cannot go back to where I was before HRT.  The improvement in so many aspects of my life has been way too much.  And yet I may never present a female face to the world, and I am OK with that.

We are all slightly different in how we experience being trans.  Those differences do not invalidate any of us. 

Do not be concerned about anyone laughing at you when you go for therapy, especially at a gender identity clinic.  They have probably heard stories similar to yours many times.

Do not shy away from the appointment because of fear of what you might discover.  How can we get answers if we are too scared to ask questions ?   I shied away from those questions for many years.  I was too fearful to consider them.  Because of this fear, my dysphoria became bad enough that when I could no longer contain it, I found myself in the ER within a week.

Good luck     

Be well,

Tessa

[AnonyMs]

Hi Billie Jane,

I've felt pretty much exactly the same in the past. I think it helps to consider that you didn't get to choose what you look like, and its got nothing to do with how you feel.

I agree with everything else posted above, but I'd like to add that even if you are a gorilla, miracles are possible (and thanks Sona if you read this, I cried when I watched this, its the most moving transition video I've ever seen).

[billiejane]

Thanks for the replies everyone, they have helped calm me down and not panic or worry so much. no doubt i will have to visit this more and more as the day gets closer lol

also anonyMs that is one of my favoruite transition videos i have seen, it makes me feel great and awful at the same time aha.

one again thanks all of you, ill keep you informed to how it goes, and thanks for making me feel better 

[Polybun]

hi, so i have an appointment with the laurels in exeter, a gender identity clinic with the nhs, and i just cant help feeling im a fraud in some way. it feels like that because i do not have a solid idea of what i am or what i want, that its silly to see them. does that make sense?

i also am generally viewed as a gorrilla in life, because im big, and really kinda hairy, and i know its silly but i just cant help feel that they will just laugh at me, tell me to man up and show me the door.

i cant help feel that maybe im just depressed and this is a side effect, or maybe im depressed because of it. maybe im just scared, or maybe its my sub concious saying i really dont want it.

ughhh i just feel like i am deluding people, myself and anyone else around. 

I know them feels... I'm 6'1" and 220lbs.  If my back hair were any longer you could braid it into corn rows.

I know i'll never make a good looking girl, but, so what?  I'm not doing this to look better, i'm doing it because it somehow feels right for me.  Looking at myself in the mirror, I look better than a lot of very unfortunate biological girls.  But hey, see the therapist, take it from there.  There is only one way to eat this sandwich, one bite at a time.  I think you know what kind of sandwich i'm talking about too!

I'm sure I'll show up on some blog somewhere as "ugliest MTF in Portland."  I hope it comes with a plaque!  Maybe a ribbon?

[billiejane]

I know them feels... I'm 6'1" and 220lbs.  If my back hair were any longer you could braid it into corn rows.

I know i'll never make a good looking girl, but, so what?  I'm not doing this to look better, i'm doing it because it somehow feels right for me.  Looking at myself in the mirror, I look better than a lot of very unfortunate biological girls.  But hey, see the therapist, take it from there.  There is only one way to eat this sandwich, one bite at a time.  I think you know what kind of sandwich i'm talking about too!

I'm sure I'll show up on some blog somewhere as "ugliest MTF in Portland."  I hope it comes with a plaque!  Maybe a ribbon?

sometimes i feel exactly the same way, and i dont have a care in the world about what anyone else thinks, or about anything and its really clear that its what i want, then an hr later its comepletly switched and i am feeling its the worst idea in the history of worst ideas, and i know what you mean, sometimes i really think there is some wookie dna in me.

i was supposed to have my appointment today, and after feeling extreamly nervous, scared and a little excited too, to the point where i swear i was gonna be sick, i had a phone call to tell me the person i was to see is off sick, and they will try to get another appointment for me another time. felt like i just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry after that.

[Donna Elvira]

   

At the end of the day, do what you have to do to make yourself whole.  Nobody else can tell you whether that's therapy or running away to join the French Foreign Legion. Life is not a dress rehearsal, and it is not supposed to be what happened to you while you were making plans.     

That line made me laugh. Believe it or not, I actually did that, when I was 18. Didn't change anything though, many years later I still ended out transitioning... 
Otherwise, I agree completely with the others, therapy is an opportunity to really think through your feelings and get to more solid ground. You'd be crazy not to do it!
Wishing you all the best!
Donna

[billiejane]

so, its been a while and i don't like to drag up old threads for fun, but it did still seem relevant, anyways

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!!!

firstly i guess i am diagnosed with depression, who would have known!, so now getting help with that, secondly, i cut my wrist a couple weeks ago , (i know was stupid but i just wanted to stop feeling bad) and finally the third and probably most relevant post is that i feel like i know what decision i want to make, and that im just scared to do it, and that i have always been scared to do it that i run away from it.

im scared that ill make a massive mistake, or that im scared its not for me, im scared i wont be accepted by friends and family, im scared ill always be alone, and never in a relationship. my last meeting at the gender clinic made me realize the only reason i dont want to transition is because of these fears really. so now i guess i just gotta be brave. im scared because my mother really doesn't understand what its like, and says all the wrong things.
to quote something i learnt long ago, even if i dont follow it, 'the person who feels no fear, knows not of bravery, as bravery can only be shown in the face of fear.'

hoping all goes well ><

[Stanna]

Hey Billiejane, I hope your feeling better. I know that feeling of being scared of making the right decisions in life. And transitioning to a different gender is probably the biggest decision any one will ever make. One thing I do know is we need to feel comfortable in who we are. Knowing you are transgendered and transitioning are two different things. First we need to accept who we are inside, and than we can try and decide hopefully with the help of a therapist what choices we make to live a happy and meaningful life.
    After reading what I just wrote, I feel I have been talking to myself about my own situation.
    Anyway Billie, I wish you the best of luck in finding your way, and btw, I think you are very brave!
   
    Hugs to you,     Stanna

[chefskenzie]

Billie,
I am sending out massive cyber hugs your way.  First, PLEASE do not hurt yourself. Ever. Dot.com

I saw this really neat thing where instead of cutting, or harming yourself, you draw with a washable marker.  A girl in a similar situation as you is doing this, and told me it works wonders.

Now, if YOU know what you want, then my dear you should go for that.  It WILL make you happier in the long run, and those people around you, who love you will see that change, and some will come around, and some may not.  But you cannot live your life for others.  You can only live it for yourself.

Explain to your mom what is going on.  Give her information to read.  Understand it will be hard for her.  Give her changes to make mistakes.  It isn't an easy road, but one that if you are sure it is what YOU need to be happy, and lead a full and productive life, is a decision you should make and go for.

Don't fear the unknown.  Embrace it!  You also have all of us here at the forum to support you.  And if you need someone to talk to you can PM me, or many others here.

[JoanneB]

I live in fear. I am totally afraid of what "Step" I should take. I too lived basically/chronically depressed for decades. A few years ago I learned where my true joy lies. So much I stand to loose. To gain what?

For a good five years now I've been taking some very difficult steps to change. To change how I see myself. It has been scary. It has been depressing. I've cried gallons of tears. No one wants to think their entire life was a sham.

Truth be told... Your entire life was just the means and necessary to get you to the point where you are today. Without all the events; good and not so good, you would not be standing on the precipice you are now.

One thing I learned these past few years is; "I know what does NOT work". I got to the point I am at today because I finally realized how badly my life was going because of how I was NOT handling being trans. I stretched the envelope, left my comfort zone, and.... It does get better.

You too, can only learn if you try