My child just came out to me

[GraceAnn]

My 18 year old daughter just told me that he is really my son. He would like to start using male pronouns and a new name. I will call him Alex. I have every intention of being supportive to my child every step of this journey. Alex hasn't come out at school yet or to other family members. In fact, he has asked me to tell the family for him and help with the school process. I'm not sure how I feel about being the one to tell everyone. I would love some feedback about this issue from anyone that has been in this position. How did your child come out? What role did you play? Or, to those of you that have transitioned, or are transitioning, how did you tell the people in your life?  Did someone else help you?  I want to do what is best for him and I want to be respectful of his needs. I want to honor his journey and process, but I'm not sure how much of it I should take on.

[spooky]

Alex is very lucky to have you.

I think I understand why you may be uncomfortable speaking for him, but sometimes having an advocate by your side is what makes all the difference. There's nothing wrong with pushing him to find his own voice, but he's so young and dealing with something so difficult and he is lucky enough to have someone who is willing to help him, so I don't see anything wrong with you aiding his coming out.

[Cynobyte]

One part of being a male is standing up for yourself.  Maybe since he's scared todo it, it's better he does it with mom by his side?  That way he has practice..  my son is cis, but just a little older and if he wants us todo things not exactly like yhis, we will, but he has to be there so it's not a continuous thing.  Gives him more confidence the next time.  Hope this helps;)

[Tessa James]

Hey Grace Ann, welcome to Susan's Place and thank you for being such a caring and supportive mom.  Since it sounds like Alex is living at home with you there is no doubt you will be involved big time. As to your question about how much you should take on, it is clearly a judgement call.  We have very individual journeys but most all of us have benefitted from a loved one holding our hand when the going gets tough.  Might it also be helpful for Alex to find his voice and own his narrative?  If you sit with him when he talks to the family it would still be his story and others will hear his words and feel his emotional context.  I wouldn't want to tell another's story as there is so much room for misinterpretation.  He may need lots of support but it sure helped me to get past the stage of not being able to get thru my coming out story without crying.  He will get lots of practice and you sound like a champion in his corner.

Please let us know how your are doing too.

[DragonBeer]

This will be of some help to you. Bottom line is communication.

[GraceAnn]

Thank you all for responding. I think that you each touched on what is causing my discomfort. I don't want to speak for him. I can't tell his story or answer questions about his truth. I am more than happy to be at his side and hold his hand. I could even set the stage by beginning the discussion. I think I do feel like it is important for him to be able to tell people who he is. I know it won't be easy, but I'm guessing that it does get easier over time.

Thank you for asking how I am. I have been so focused on how Alex is that I haven't thought much about me. I think I am doing okay. I love my children so much I can't imagine not accepting each of them for whoever they are. Alex is such an awesome, special person. I am proud to be his mom. All that being said, I guess I am also nervous and worried about what happens next. I know it won't necessarily be an easy journey. It is painful to watch your child struggle. I hope that being true to himself brings him peace. If he's okay, I will be okay.

[Cynobyte]

The nice part is they now accept kids transitioning more.  And you behind him, the skies the limit!  I'll let you practice telling my family for me, my wife knows but don't talk to rest for other reasons..  but serious, be there when he does it and have him do it.  It's like basic training,  everything else will be cake for him;)  good luck supermom!

[mrs izzy]

Wekcone GraceAnn to Susans family.

A moderator will be by and giving some helpful information on the site.

So glad you came to find support.

You can also ask the local planned parenthood for information on there lgbtq services.

Some have support groups for youth.

Hugs

[AmyH]

First, I want to say how wonderful it is that you are honoring his correct pronouns so quickly and that you are being so supportive. I'm sure he is quite relieved and happy right now that his talk with you went so well.

My son came out to me a year and a half ago just after he turned eight, so my level of support is a lot higher in many ways I'm sure. He also wanted me to tell others for him when he was not around and then report back to him who knew and whether or not they were supportive. We talked a lot about what he wanted me to say and not to say (but he is very open, so he was not very private about anything). 

Personally, even if a friend of mine, whether they were 18 or 48, asked me to do this for them I would be happy to.  This journey takes a lot of courage, and asking for help and support is reasonable and necessary for his wellbeing.  (Anyway, one of the first things people would want to know is "What do your parents think?", so you can kill two birds with one stone!) 

If someone is going to have a negative reaction, it is usually initially, and then after they have time to think about it they will often be very accepting.  So you are also saving the person you are telling by giving them a chance to understand and digest the information before they see or talk to your son.  If I could be that kind of barrier for any friend or family member I would gladly do it. This road has got to be scary enough, even when you have the support of the people closest to you. Unless you two go everywhere together, he's going to have to deal with plenty of questions and different types of reactions no matter how many people you talk to for him, so he will get plenty of practice.

The biggest thing that helped me was practicing saying it with confidence, and to be clear that we are fully supporting him before they have a chance to respond or start asking questions.  The way you say it makes a HUGE difference in how people will react.  Remember, you are not apologizing for anything. You are simply informing them of a change in your lives.  You will be surprised how many people are very supportive, and others who you think will be supportive will surprisingly not be. Then there will be those who seem supportive but you will not hear from them much afterwards.  Just remember that this is good attrition and it makes room for all of the new friends you are going to make through this new journey!

Please keep us updated on how you are doing!

Amy

[Hermosa_Tabby]

Thank you all for responding. I think that you each touched on what is causing my discomfort. I don't want to speak for him. I can't tell his story or answer questions about his truth. I am more than happy to be at his side and hold his hand. I could even set the stage by beginning the discussion. I think I do feel like it is important for him to be able to tell people who he is. I know it won't be easy, but I'm guessing that it does get easier over time.

Thank you for asking how I am. I have been so focused on how Alex is that I haven't thought much about me. I think I am doing okay. I love my children so much I can't imagine not accepting each of them for whoever they are. Alex is such an awesome, special person. I am proud to be his mom. All that being said, I guess I am also nervous and worried about what happens next. I know it won't necessarily be an easy journey. It is painful to watch your child struggle. I hope that being true to himself brings him peace. If he's okay, I will be okay.

U are an awesome mom. Mine hasn't spoke to me since the switch. I have a cool stepmom though that means the world to me.

[Susan Baum]

...I have every intention of being supportive to my child every step of this journey (and)... I want to be respectful of his needs. I want to honor his journey and process, but I'm not sure how much of it I should take on.

From one in his Grandma's generation: GraceAnn = Awesome Mom

It's wonderful that you and Alex have a solid and honest relationship that he can confide his deepest and innermost thoughts and worries without fear of judgment or reprisal.  You exemplify unconditional love; one needs not look too deeply into this forum to read of those for whom love is optional. 

I'm sure as his journey begins, he will make requests of you; though some may be of minor inconvenience to take on, his burden is much more onerous.  Keep the love and trust flowing. 

Susan

[beccacurls]

It is really great to see that you're supporting your child in this journey. It may get really difficult for you but please continue to reach out for help when you hit obstacles through the journey.

[VisorDown]

Hey,

It's awesome that Alex has such a supportive parent. Really awesome.

I'm transitioning, or beginning to. Cut my hair short, pinching my older brother's clothes, acting more like myself rather than who I "ought to be". I haven't yet told my family. Only a select few friends know. Because I'm only partly out, they don't refer to me as my preferred pronoun. I am thinking about telling my brother, aunt and sister because I don't think they'd judge me harshly, if at all ... but it's going to be a tough ride telling my father.

When I told two of my friends, I was very blase about it. Both I did on my own but it was because I just didn't know them well enough to care if they rejected me. One confided something in me and I did in turn to help her feel like she wasn't alone, and the other ... sort of came out of nowhere, ended up turning work into an awkward mushy friendship bonding hour.

I can't offer anything about having a child come out to me because I'm more or less in the same place as your son -- well, it seems he's a few steps ahead of me now.

But I can tell you that for him to come out to you, he must trust you a great deal.

The only thing I'd suggest you think about is you being the one telling others about his identity. For him to ask you to undertake that responsibility suggests to me that he's not quite ready to step out yet, and he's using you as a little bit of a shield...

It's just something to think about.

I wish you both the best.

[Serena]

I'm so jealous I wish my mom would take this like you.

[Cynobyte]

VisorDown, your advice is great from the kids perspective.  But dear, wouldn't you rather your first people you come out to, to practice this on, to be close friends and family?  It would be better with parents there to support you?
It's my 2 cents as an adult if I could have been lucky to do it at your age;) 
I do wish you the best too when you hopefully have a good comming out with your parents!

[SisMum]

Hi GraceAnn

I have just read your posts and all the amazing replies with tears in my eyes and a huge feeling of relief! My 17 year old daughter told me last year that she was born as the wrong gender and wants to be male.  Since then I've struggled so much with my feelings whilst trying so hard to be a supportive and caring Mum.  After reading your post (and stumbling upon susans.org I actually feel that there are others out there who understand this journey that we are on.

Simon is slowly but surely coming out, we are trying to encourage him to finish high school first (which will be the end of this year), but he really is anxious to get the ball rolling. He is starting to get called a boy by strangers which he loves and is actively involved in a local LGBT youth group which is a great source of support to him. Emotionally he appears to be ok, but just can't wait to officially change name (I am starting to use his male name at home).

Anyway I just wanted to say thanks, today I feel that Simon and I are the only ones to walk this path

Si'smum

[Rudy King]

GraceAnn,

First off, I would like to say I am proud of you accepting your child for who they are.  That is not an easy thing for any parent to deal with.

I can understand why you would rather not be the one to tell everyone.  Please understand that coming out is not an easy thing  to do.  Even now, with living full time as female for over a year now, I still find it hard to tell people that I started out as a transsexual, and then learned I was born Intersex.  I'm mean, sure it's gotten easier (I came out in a letter but now I can tell people in person).

I think you should tell him, that you don't mind telling a few people, but ultimately he needs to be the one to tell everyone.  Even if he just needs to write a letter, there is no shame in that. 

Talk to him, and just be open.  Tell him, you would glad to stand by him. and hold his hand if need be, so that he can feel comfortable.

Your son is gong to need you more than every now.  Love him, and help him as much as you can.

I wish both you and your son the best of luck!

[aleon515]

First of all you are on awesome mom!!


I am completely against the concept that males have to be one certain way, there are docile, quiet boys and more assertive ones. Assertion is a skill that is developed over time. I didn't myself transition so I could validate gender norms and I don't really. Also helping a young person deal with the school environment is almost essential. Not saying that no young person has ever been successful in this, but schools are highly bureaucratic (I know I was a teacher) and have very established rules and protocols.
I also believe in seeking out LBGT (or if you are lucky trans groups in your area) for help can be very important. There also may be groups that can help him.

This book might be helpful. If you have a Kindle it's only $9. You can also get a free app and read on your PC or Mac or pad.

http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Transgender-Teen-Parents/dp/069201229X/ref=pd_sim_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=18RWZ3J7D9BDF9DT3AF5

Also there are several conferences for trans people. I don't know where you live but these can be very helpful for you and your son as there are literally thousands of people who share your experiences. It can also be very affirming to him.
http://transguys.com/ref/2015-trans-conference-guide


--Jay

One part of being a male is standing up for yourself.  Maybe since he's scared todo it, it's better he does it with mom by his side?  That way he has practice..  my son is cis, but just a little older and if he wants us todo things not exactly like yhis, we will, but he has to be there so it's not a continuous thing.  Gives him more confidence the next time.  Hope this helps;)