Hi, I'm Clara, sorry for the long post but if you don't want to read it then just respond by saying "hi" but any advice on my experience/situation is greatly appreciated
So to sum up, I have two questions - "Does being Trans mean that you've always identified as being a member of the opposite sex?" and "Do you think it's possible for someone who's cisgendered to convince themselves otherwise?"
FURTHER DETAILS
It feels like I'm only just beginning to find my feet, because I've spent most of my life trying to avoid figuring out who I really am. I still don't know whether I would label myself as "transgender" because for most of my life I assumed I was "cis", with some strange thoughts and fantasies, but now I'm not so sure.
For most of my pre-teen life, I felt as though I wasn't aware of my gender or that it was a factor in my life but I did notice I was different from other boys my age. My behaviour and interests were wide and varied but the points that stand out from a trans perspective: was that I often preferred the company of girls to boys, playing imaginary games like "house", playing with dolls (but only until I started school, though I had plenty of teddy bears), playing with make-up on rare occasion, and having interests in gymnastics, drama, cheerleading (at one point), jump ropes and hula hoops. I was always very quiet and reserved, often choosing to spend time reading books or playing video games, but I never really felt that I was uncomfortable being a boy. I did have a lot of trouble making sense of my own identity though (and still do), but drama was a great resolve for that, because it gave me an identity in whatever character I was playing. I thought of myself as male and imagined that I would grow up in that manner, though I do remember having an attraction to "transformation" stories. As in being physically turned into someone or something else, and in some cases a girl. I would imagine what it would feel like to be in a girl's body, though I didn't think of that as strange at the time. I was always surrounded by women, due to being the first born and having several aunts, my grandmother and a stay at home mother, and very little input from my dad or other males in my life, so I never knew any different.
I was bullied a lot and I had to attend several schools as a result. I became steadily more reserved and isolated, so I slipped into my own imagination, or more specifically Harry Potter books because I would never stop reading them. It was the start of my escapism, to use any form of entertainment or imagination to keep myself busy and often opted to spend time alone.
I started going through a rebellion stage when I was thirteen and I discovered punk-rock. I started wearing eyeliner, black clothes and spiking my hair into liberty spikes. I became disruptive and despondent for a while, whereas my interests were slightly obscure in that I was obsessed with the supernatural and paranormal. I believed in conspiracy theories, UFOs, ghosts, premonitions and psychic abilities, just about anything to make life more interesting. I also had an interest in hypnosis, because I was still drawn to the idea of "transformation," so I started listening to hypnosis recordings, some of which were based around "feminisation" because I was curious and intrigued of what it would be like to be a woman. Some recordings touched upon adult themes, but it was never really about that for me, I just really liked to escape from myself and the feelings of not having a sense of identity.
Slowly I noticed changes in my thoughts and perceptions, fuelled by the suggestions from the hypnosis tapes (or at least without the guilt of being consciously responsible for my thoughts). I realised that I wasn't attracted to women, but that I admired them in a different way. My thoughts would often switch from the idea of being with a woman, to actually being a woman. There were many times when my sexual fantasies would revolve around me being the woman I was attracted to (this was without hypnosis), and any fantasies were I remained male, would often be accompanied by a sense of guilt or shame. For several years my behaviour and fantasies grew stronger and more prominent, moving into the occasional moments of cross-dressing, complete with a wig and makeup and once again fantasising about being a woman.
I struggled a lot with depression during my teen years and would often put it down to external circumstances and anger at current situations, though I still felt a continuing loss of self identity. I felt guilty and ashamed of this "darker" side to my personality and would use this behaviour to offset some of the stress I faced daily. I suffered greatly from anxiety attacks, just from the idea of people "finding out", I lost my confidence and withdrew from people because I felt as though I shouldn't be behaving this way. My "fantasies" had progressed to thoughts about HRT and SRS, and the loss of my "male" identity.
Beyond those thoughts and in my everyday life, I often tried to maintain a "normal" life and would often try to overcome my poor self-esteem by masking my feelings and "pretending" to be goal-orientated and business minded. I had no social life and I threw myself into work, not wanting to spend anytime alone with my "thoughts". Though I would continually self-sabotage, (and still do), as a means to protect myself from people finding out.
I've been going in cycles for years, so I knew that I would have to address these issues at some point and since moving out to go to University, I noticed the pattern of self withdrawal had returned. I wanted to stop, but felt I couldn't so I begun to question why, because it feels as though I don't fit the cliche of being a "woman in a man's body," because I've seen myself as predominantly male all of my life, but now I'm not so sure. I've already reached out to counselling and a local transgender support group, who've helped me immensely. When I'm around them, they refer to me as "her" and "she", as well as using a female name that I decided upon a while back, but the strange thing is that it just feels right and I feel that I don't have to hide some big "secret". I don't know if I could identify as "transgender" as I still have doubts on whether I caused this or want to believe it in some way, because of my use of hypnosis and my interest in escapism and transformation. It's almost as though I can only see my life from this perspective, in hindsight, but I don't know whether I could say that I've always been "female". It's a comforting thought because it means that I don't have to live with the guilt of being "male" and having these thoughts - though I don't think that's a good enough reason to accept my trans identity.
I've since identified myself as Gender-queer because I don't feel as though I can accept my male identity any more, nor do I feel ready to embrace myself as female. I still find I have the desire to be/identify as a woman but I don't know if that's enough to justify being transgender - as in, having always known that I was "female".
So to sum up, I have two questions - "Does being Trans mean that you've always identified as being a member of the opposite sex?" and "Do you think it's possible for someone who's cisgendered to convince themselves otherwise?"
If you have any questions, advice or perspectives of your own, then please let me know and I'll respond as soon as I can.
Thanks for reading XD
