Well, hello everyone, you can call me Chris. Hopefully it's ok to post my story here?
I'm here because I am lost on how to help my wife. I am a transman, I began transitioning 9 years ago, been on testosterone for 6 of that and had chest surgery a few years back. I'm still somewhat unhappy with my body but I can get on with my life and that's the important thing to me. I was abused growing up, I know all about how it feels to be suicidal and the struggle to keep going and unfortunately, my wife is now in a ditch and I have no idea what I can do anymore. I was hoping some of you here may be able to help?
My wife is ok with me using female pronouns and using the word 'wife', however she sees herself as genderless. She doesn't want hips or breasts or any body fat. She did have surgery a couple of years ago to make her breasts smaller but the surgeon didn't make them the size she requested and so they're still quite large.
She finds it incredibly difficult to motivate herself on any given day. Sometimes it's so bad I end up picking out her clothes dressing her for school. She comes home and her nose is in her laptop as if the rest of the world doesn't exist. This is an ongoing issue, she refuses to tell therapists what is really wrong and thus believes they are unable to help her.
Last night was the tipping point for me. I've tried everything I can think of, exercising with her (she is slightly overweight and her thighs are her worst feature in her eyes) dieting with her, paying for us to go out to places, accompanying her wherever she needs me. I've tried suggesting she talks to her mom (her mom is great with this stuff) or just any of her friends, just so she can have more support than just me.
She was suicidal last night. She was trying to stab herself with a fork, which i quickly took away. She then proceeded to throw things and become pretty destructive. I tried to calm her down but instead she just turned on me. I'm trying my best to help her but instead she just started punishing me for how she felt. Everything I said had a smart ass sarcastic answer. She grabbed a rope and began tying a noose and begging me to help her kill herself. I grabbed her phone (I don't have one) to call 911 because I genuinely felt like there was nothing I could do and that she needed some serious help. She then started taunting me and laughing because she realized she was hurting me. It was sort of... evil? I suppose? I'm not sure what it is but she is not in control when she's like that. She can't snap out of it or stop what she's saying.
She said if I call the police/ambulance services she will tell them I'm lying and make it out like I'm harming her. Given how manipulative she is in her nature, I know she would and they would probably believe her.
Later that night she snapped out of it, began crying and apologized for what happened, but I know this isn't the end of it. She is severely unhappy. She genuinely thinks there is absolutely no hope of her obtaining the body she wishes she had and I'm at a loss of any ideas or services that can help her. I don't want to lose my wife, I love her more than anything else in this world.
If it helps, we live in BC, Canada, so anyone who knows of services there that we can use that would be great. However if there are any people here who have experience with androgyny and obtaining a genderless looking body, please reach out. I need her to feel like there is hope, that there is a possibility.
Sorry this turned into an essay, but any help would be greatly appreciated.
