(I moved this from Non-Binary. It's better off here. Probably)
I was designated male at birth and raised as a boy. So I have years of experience of being shirtless, mostly in my family home, but also at family and friends' houses, beaches, swimming pools, parks, and other recreational places, as well as just... whenever I felt like it. Which admittedly wasn't all too often, because I was always somewhat self-conscious about my body growing up (I remember sometimes wearing shirts to go swimming), but the point is that I was raised with the understanding that me being shirtless was A-OK in most informal situations.
I did kind of go back and forth on the whole towel thing though. When I was younger I would wear it wrapped around my chest, and as I grew older I switched to wearing it around my waist. But around the time I started my social transition, I switched back to wearing it around my chest - partly because I was trying to reclaim the old instinctive behaviors I'd ground out of myself in the process of learning to be a "guy," partly because of realizing/believing that if I didn't do it no one who saw me would think I wasn't a guy, and partly out of my own body insecurities and my desire to spare my friends discomfort (because a few of them weren't very comfortable with exposed bodies).
ANYWAY. The point I'm getting at is that for the last couple of years, I've been pretty set on keeping my chest covered, although I still consider myself a clothing minimalist (since coming out, I've found that I really like short-shorts and low-cut sleeveless shirts - not because they're revealing, but rather because they're so unrestrictive). I would even wear shirts at the beach and at pools again, just because I wanted the ability to "pass" as a girl (mainly as "not a guy"). If anything, I figured this was practice for when I'd eventually start HRT (I have, now) and start growing noticeable breasts.
But about a month and a half ago, I went to a gay pride (not my first) and for the first time I noticed how many shirtless women there were. Or at least, people with significant breast tissue who were shirtless. And I was kind of inspired, because lately I've been realizing how much I've allowed society's idea of femininity to control my gender expression, and I've been trying to fight against it. So I took a shirtless picture of myself flexing my arm, like Ronnie the Bren Gun Girl's "We Can Do It" pose, and I made it my profile picture. I did this with the understanding (going by recent reminders) that I am still legally designated as "male," and thus my breasts are totally inoffensive.
And everything went effing nuts.
I'm not going to go into all the details, but the major bits were 1) the picture was flagged as inappropriate content and actually removed, despite the fact that my FB profile doesn't even list me as female, 2) one of my trans woman friends basically denounced me and said that I was an idiot and that I was making all trans people look bad, 3) my mother came into the kitchen while I while getting a drink of water, pulled down my skirt so that I was naked, and basically said that everyone thinks I'm a whore. Which prompted me to then leave my parents' house to be homeless instead yet again (the last time was when they were trying to deter me from getting my legal name change). But the whole time I was crying and yelling at her about how effed up it was that she did that, because at some point in my life I stopped being afraid of my mother and started being angry instead.
The thing that struck me most about the whole thing was how ridiculous everyone was being. My mother, who spent all of last summer's family vacation trying to cajole me into taking my shirt off to go swimming, was now calling me a whore for taking my shirt off in the privacy of our family home, where I'd been shirtless many times before. My chest is somehow considered offensive content by Facebook moderators, when there are literally already 2 or 3 pictures of me on Facebook that other people took of me being shirtless. And my friend was telling me that I wasn't really a feminist if I showed my chest and that female breasts are private and should be kept that way, and it's like... I'm transgender! You're transgender! Legally, both of us are considered to be male, which means our chests are also male. And even if we weren't considered male, what happened to feminism being about gender equality and equal rights???
But you know what, it's fine, right? Eff those people and their crazy contradictory opinions, I can do whatever makes me comfortable. Right?
And then a few weeks ago I was on a family beach vacation with my grandparents, cousin, and sister, and I took off my shirt to put on sunscreen, and everything freaked out like crazy even more than the last time. My sister and cousin and grandmother were yelling at me to put my shirt back on, and i honestly couldn't understand what the problem was because I've been shirtless at the beach before, and then my grandfather walked up to me and growled in my face and grabbed me by the throat. Which gave me flashbacks to the time when we were on a family winter vacation and I had broken my wrist (no one believed it was broken at the time because, according to my mom "it was really broken you'd be crying a lot more"), and so I was tired and just wanted to go to bed early, but my extended family wanted me to go play outside with my cousins. I refused, and my grandfather or my uncle or maybe both of them responded by grabbing me (grabbing my bad wrist in the process) and dragging me to the door and throwing me outside in the snow without shoes while I cried and screamed. And another flashback to the time when I told my mom I'm planning to have SRS and she responded by pulling out a butcher knife and waving at me saying she'd cut it off herself right then, and when I yelled at her and threw a banana while attempting to leave the house, she started screaming about how I was crazy and had my dad help her drag me back into the house and then slam me on the hardwood kitchen floor when i tried to kick free.
So I got scared. And I slapped my grandfather across the face, and he let go, and I started crying like a baby while stumbling away and screaming at him to never touch me like that ever again. Right in the middle of a public beach full of people. Which you know, wasn't completely humiliating at all, or anything. Nope. And then I moved away, and my sister followed me, and she was still upset, and she started crying and saying the same things as my parents about how I never think about anyone else's feelings, and how unfair it was for me to do something like take my shirt off when I'm trying to make them accept me as a girl, except I'M NOT because I'm technically NON-BINARY, and THEY'VE KNOWN THAT SINCE I FIRST CAME OUT TO MY ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY AT ONCE. I just left the area and walked down the beach and spent basically the whole day alone (and when I finally came back I was still petrified to be within arm's reach of my grandfather).
But I'm so sick of everyone trying to guilt me about how I "never consider the consequences of my actions, and never consider anyone else's feelings but my own," when all I'm doing is being myself and expressing my bodily autonomy. They have no right to tell me how I should dress, or how I should talk, or how I should walk, or how I should do anything. It's my body. What I do with it is my business. Right?
Gods, this is turning into such a rant. I'm sorry. I just really need to get all of this out at once, and then I swear I'll get to the actual question.
Anyway, after that whole fiasco, I've only become more determined to not let stupid arbitrary sexist rules for women, like not being topless, control my life. I went to New York City with a friend and his other friend, and I basically spent all afternoon into the evening with my shirt off, because there were literally women with star-spangled boobs on Times Square, and if "female" ciswomen can be paid to be shirtless in public, why can't I (someone who is not really a woman and definitely not defined as female) do it for free out a desire for comfort? It's summer! It gets super hot, and I'm almost always wearing a big backpack (to hold important stuff because I'm technically homeless and just left college), so I get even more sweaty than I normally would. And I've been shirtless in public before, and I see guys doing it... so why can't I? The next day we all ended up going to the pool at my friend's apartment, and I had my shirt off there, too. And I was surprised and also really happy when his friend took off zir shirt, too (she/ze is also non-binary but is DFAB). And it just felt normal and nice to be shirtless and not have it be a sexual thing.
But I've been shirtless in public a number of times recently, and sometimes it's just really awful. The last time I was in the city I needed to rush around to various legal offices, and it was super hot and sunny, and i had my big backpack on full of stuff, and so I was sweating like crazy. And I only had the one shirt, and it was my Dad's birthday, and we were supposed to be going to some kind of rally later, and i didn't want to be soaked in sweat for all of that. So at one point I just sat down on a bench, pulled my shirt off, and got back to walking. But it was so bad. I know that people sometimes look at me when I'm shirtless, because I'm me and I'm trans and even when I don't notice (like in New York) other people will alert me to it after the fact. But in New York, the worst that happened is that some guy on the street asked if I was doing it for money, and another guy in the park wanted to dance with me and ended up settling for a picture with me. But you know, that's practically harmless.
But this time when i took with shirt off, someone in a car across the street immediately yelled something about how I had no tits (which makes even less sense) and everyone started honking, and some people who drove by did double-takes and started laughing and screaming. And guys kept saying stuff to me as I walked down the street, and some of it was harmless and I could ignore it, but most of it was just creepy and scary. A guy pulled up next to me in his car and asked if I wanted a ride, and when I told him no and kept walking, he followed me all the way to the city court house without me realizing and waited outside for me to ask if he could pay me to have sex with him. And when I said no, he kept asking to see my chest again, almost pleading, and it was so weird and awkward and I just kept saying no, and finally he got the idea and left.
And then I was walking back downtown to meet my dad, and these guys approached me, and I got nervous, and they kept asking about <not allowed> me, and I kept saying no and trying to ignore them. And then they called down the street to their friends ahead of me, and suddenly there were all these guys near me, and this one big guy was moving to get in front of me and saying he'd me, and I just kept saying no and going past them. And then this woman next to them just looked at me in such disgust <not alowed> said "Really? Really? Why do you have to do that here? There are kids here?" And I didn't even stop, I just said "I'm hot and it's legal so I'm doing it." And I didn't even manage to point out how stupid it was that she was picking me out when I just walked past some guys who had their shirts off, too (my backpack straps were even covering some of my chest anyway). But all those guys were still following me, and then someone was whistling and calling from the other side of the street and saying he'd <not allowed> me, too. And I just started to lose it. I didn't even really look across the street, I just stuck my arms out in that direction and stuck out my middle fingers and kept going. but it didn't stop. The guys across the street kept laughing and calling, and those other guys were still right behind me laughing and saying things, and the woman was still yelling at me from behind them, and I just snapped and turned around and yelled "I have a dick, <not allowed>."
And I still have shudders from doing that. I know how stupid that was, in hindsight. It could've gotten so bad. But I just wanted them to all leave me alone, and nothing else I was saying or doing was working, so I thought that if I could just shock them, they'd all stop and give me a chance to move away. Or maybe they'd just think I was a slightly pudgy boy after all, and leave me alone because of that. I honestly didn't care about people possibly seeing me as a boy in that moment. I just wanted them to stop.
And all the guys got loud, and I couldn't tell if they were laughing or swearing or saying something mean (although I'm pretty sure one of them called me a puta) because I had already turned back around and I was hurrying down the street. People kept staring and I was trying not to cry, but i didn't want to put my shirt back on because that would mean stopping, and I wasn't sure if the guys had stopped following me. and then this one older guy kind of stopped me, and asked what I was doing. but he wasn't propositioning me, he just wanted to know what I was doing with my shirt off. He asked if I was a girl, and I think i said yes, but then he asked if I was transgender, so I just automatically said yes to that, too. And then he started talking about how I looked like a "real woman" and I was just... so done. I just kept going. And I finally got to my dad's workplace and got to put my shirt back on and then I went to my parents' house for a little while before we all went out to eat, and then I stayed the night before going back "home" to my friend who's supporting me while I'm homeless and unemployed.
And I just feel so... Wrecked by the whole thing. I want to learn to be proud of my body, and being told that my entire chest is somehow "private" and needs to be hidden from sight just reinforces all of the crappy body image I've had since elementary school. I like to be shirtless because it makes me feel empowered, like I finally have control over my body (which is weird since I didn't it before when I identified as a boy, but I guess it's different when you have a bunch of people telling you "no"). I'm not doing it to show off, and I'm not doing it to attract men or shock "other" women. I'm just doing it to be me, to be comfortable, and to reinforce the fact that I'm not just "a girl," but really outside of the gender binary... and I guess also to remind other people that it's a thing you can do if you want to, like the women/people at the Pride parade reminded me.
But all those guys and even some women took that empowering act of self-affirmation from me and turned it into something dirty and uncomfortable and scary. And I'm just so sad. And so tired. I want things to get easier, not harder. I feel like I've been fighting one set of battles in my life since coming out, and now all of a sudden everything's backwards and I have to do it all over again.
...There was a question buried somewhere in this mess, I swear. I guess I wanted to ask how other non-binary people or really any people at all deal with being shirtless in public and the harassment that results. But I guess this just turned into a sad/angry rant about other people policing my body. Sorry.
Mod Edit- Post edited since the same piece was posted twice. Also please watch the language. We know you bleeped them out and we appreciate that, but there was so much of it we still had no choice but to edit. Thanks.
