Regarding coming out at work.

[Ltl89]

Hi everyone,

Does anyone have any advice or feedback about coming out in the work place?  I've written a coming out/apology letter for my coworkers.   I'm going to talk to my boss about it tomorrow but I've been so stressed and have been difficult to deal with as a consequence.  I really want to move forward and one is apologizing for some bad behavior during this time as I sincerely feel awful and second is disclosing what is going on so I don't have to be paranoid about what people will think and can move forward.   I'm just so scared and embarrassed about how people will take it and feel really upset by how I've let this effect my performance and behavior at work.  Any tips to help ensure you can move forward in the workplace during transition.   Any feedback,  advice or suggestions are appreciated as my job and work relationship with coworkers is important to me and something I feel I have put in jeopardy with all this stuff.  Thanks for any advice.

[cindianna_jones]

I don't know what to tell you. In some states, you have legal protections. Do you live in such a state?

I announced my change in Utah but it was with a national company and they actually had procedures to follow. Not that they did. But that was many years ago and many things have changed for the better. If you are ready to go for it, do so. It might be wise to have another job in your new persona lined up as soon as possible in any case.

[Eveline]

Honey, if you have an HR department, have you considered working with them on your workplace announcement?

They can pull all the right managers together to ensure your transition goes well with stuff like email, payroll, and also help manage your announcement so that people are aware of how to treat you properly (name, pronouns, no change in work relationships, etc.).

In my case, they even suggested I write the email that was sent out to my co-workers, which was then sent by HR.

Also, something about apologizing in your letter strikes me as not in your best interests work-wise. If you need to apologize, maybe do it in person, and not have it documented in a way that could later be misinterpreted?

[cindianna_jones]

Oh yes, consult with HR before talking to anyone!

[ImagineKate]

HR should be your first stop.

Ask about the policy.

Before you do that, look in the employee handbook and research local laws too.

My workplace treats my transition as not really a big deal. Give them a date, my manager send out an email saying he is now she, use proper pronouns etc. and go take a new pic and get a new ID. Also update any benefits info to reflect name and gender change.

No sensitivity training no nothing. We do have sensitivity training every 3 years anyway for all types of harassment.

[Eva Marie]

All good suggestions above 

I also am troubled by the apology bit - I know that you wish to address it but it seems to me to somewhat obscure your bigger message. Maybe you could simply explain that you are aware that your past behavior wasn't what you wanted it to be and that behavior was caused by your gender dysphoria which was making you miserable. Then further explain that your transition is the solution and leave it at that.

As far as a coming out letter to management - keep it short and sweet, and leave out long winded explanations. Don't apologize; instead be direct and tell them what your plans are and the date when the authentic you will show up for work. You can also put in the letter what your new name is. The reason for keeping it short, direct, and business like is to give them less things to possibly use against you in the future - the letter will go in your employee file forever so limit what it says to the essentials. Also, you don't have to apologize to anyone for who you are. Instead, own it!

The same goes for any emails to employees. Those emails will be around forever and you have no control of them once you hit send. For that reason I would keep any emails to the employees short and sweet and then disclose more information on a one-on-one basis later as you see fit.

I am also curious if you happen to live in a state with protections for trans folks? That gives you a lot of advantages going into this.

[ImagineKate]

Yes I live in NJ and work in NYC. Very strong protections in both places.

[michelle82]

I agree with Eva,

I would't mix an apology with coming out. Stick to simply coming out first. And also if you do have an HR department work with them first so you can ensure you have some protection.

And also think about how fast/slow you want to move. For me..  my work transition is moving slow. I've told HR and only a few co-workers. When i have my wardrobe in better shape, and have some time on HRT, i will let me managers know, and then set a transition date so i can have my name change in place, etc. Between now and that time, i plan on slowly feminizing myself so its not as big of a shock to my office, when I'm ready to go full-time.

[rosinstraya]

If it is at all possible - make sure that work/HR supports you in this. The more you have their backing, and are seen to have their backing, the less likely people are to feel they can get away with ->-bleeped-<-.

And yeah, do not mix it with an apology. No mixed messages.

[Katie]

Apology? For what? That's is a serious red flag in my book.

As far as advice. I would do what you have to do without saying a word. When you get to the point your going to present as a woman then its time to be at least looking for a new job. Many reasons for this.

But alas your still trying to stay at your current job and that's when you go talk to HR.

Finally I have the hardest suggestion for you and that is to learn real quick to keep your mouth shut and not talk about transition things to other people. As hard as you want it does not help you.

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I should note I work in medical office with maybe about 20 staff members or so.  While we are owned by a larger entity, its sort of independently run to a degree.  So I gave the letter to my office manager, as she is the real hr figure at my job which I feel makes the most sense in my current position.

As for laws, I'm in a part of NY that has certain discrimination policies that cover trans, but I'm not too afraid of that.  My boss has known the situation since I've been working there, at least in very vague details, and has never said anything that has made me feel I'm at risk job wise, especially as of late.

As for the apology, I just feel its something personal that I need to include.  This is a small office of people that I've been working with directly everyday.  I care about them and my relationship with them.  And that means j care about how my anxiety as of late has effected the work place.  And even though I probably shouldn't apologize for my transition , I can't help but feel horrible about it as I feel like I'm forcing my coworkers in a very awkward place as well as all of our patients who I've gotten to know well Toma degree.  I'm so scared I'm going to be a problem, a lpsecret laughing stock or hateable for doing this.  I don't know.  I feel I need to apologize.  Maybe the reaction my family had will forever scar me but I've learned that people can take this very hard and do expect you to apologize for putting them through this.  But what you say makes sense too.  J really don't want to make what's been a difficult past few days become a nightmare.  I'm supposed to talk to my boss about this, so I will see what she says.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I've been so freaking scared and terrified about this that Im just breaking down.

As for going tomanoither job, that's a good point, butim very afraid of going through more unemployment which is why getting my masters is on my things to do soon list and I legitimately like my work place and just want everything to be okay.  Besides, there are reasons that i believe tbis may be as good as it will get for me in terms of acceptance int the workplace.  Unfortunately, I can't keep this nhiddenforever and it requires an explanation of a sort.  Believe me, I've been very quiet about this with people in my life and its going to be something that new people in my life will not need to know when I reach that point and have fully transitioned.  But I'm not there yet.

But maybe I just screwed myself.  Maybe I should have never said anything to anyone.  Maybe I shouldn't have written that letter.  I'm sorry but being trans really does suck cause it really hurts how you are seen in the world and even if I shouldn't apologize I feel the need to beg forgiveness for this and the stress its been inflicting on me.  I just don't know what to do.  I wish I could be a normal person. 

[ImagineKate]

To be honest I view it this way-

This is you finally being who you are.
If they can't deal with that then they are saying they can't deal with you.
So essentially you're apologizing for yourself? If anything I would apologize for not coming out sooner!

Oh and nearly all of my coworkers who I have told have either congratulated me, offered support or both. Only one guy gives me a kind of a look but he and his pals have other problems such as being rude to female employees in general. But I'm not afraid to report him to HR and his manager if he gets out of line and he knows it. My manager and HR have pledged full support. I am senior and I have 8 years of service and I am depended on for critical stuff so I'm somewhat valuable.

[Sammy]

Most of people in my unit know, as well as several others from co-departments. So far, I just decided that it will be too much PITA to talk to every single one of them and just start wearing female attire at work (no makeup though). So far, it does not seem that people have noticed, cause they are used to me wearing very androgynous clothes, but as summer will come closer, the body shape should be obvious to note... We'll see.

[JoanneB]

I can understand apologizing for aspects of your behavior around coworkers provided it doesn't surpass the level of an apology a coworker might give say going through the process of a messy breakup or divorce.

I can also understand the deeply rooted shame and guilt about being trans. We don't want to be trans. We did try hard for a long time not to let it define us, to become a disappointment to friends and family. Apologizing for that will only tend to validate societies negative view of us. As much shame I still bear about being what I am, it also what makes me who I am. That "Who", while not an "in your face" sort of person, quite the opposite actually, would have a hard time apologizing to anyone, other than my wife, for being what I am and accepting it.

[ImagineKate]

Most of people in my unit know, as well as several others from co-departments. So far, I just decided that it will be too much PITA to talk to every single one of them and just start wearing female attire at work (no makeup though). So far, it does not seem that people have noticed, cause they are used to me wearing very androgynous clothes, but as summer will come closer, the body shape should be obvious to note... We'll see.

People notice me but they are either polite or fear the wrath of the anti discrimination zero tolerance policy.

Mostly they remark about my hAir or weight loss.

However employees I don't really interact with on a regular basis refer to me as "she" and "her" when I pass by unless I end up talking to them.

[Sabrina]

I am coming out slowly let a few people know who I trust. At the same time, incorporating makeup and lady clothes into my wardrobe. Eventually, I'll come out to the rest when the time is right.

[Ltl89]

I guess what it comes down to us that I still have a lot of shame, fear and embarrassment over being trans.  That is something I don't know if I'll ever get over to be honest.  Yes, I feel transitioning is something I have to do, but its a tough thing when most people see us in w negative light.  But you are right in that I shouldn't feel embarrassed or even need to apologize.  I just don't want issues or to be the secret freak or weirdo in peoples eyes.  I guess there is nothing we can ever do to change that and as hard as I apologize or explain people are going to think what they think.   And nothing is going to change us from being trans as its not a choice for most of us, so we just have to deal with what comes our way.

Well, I've written and submitted a coming out letter.  Kind of poured my heart writing that, but I almost regret it.  I figured it would be like quickly pulling off a band aid so I could get past the anxiety surrounding the what ifs but instead its just dragging out.  I understand why as my boss probably needs time to create a strategy around this all and there is probably a lot of hr concerns, but it seems like a quick and easy coming out scenario isn't likely.  I guess this is really tough because its one of the first big steps I've taken other than telling my family.  I've come out to friends here and there, but I'm mostly deep in the closet, other than people putting two and two together.  To out right say this to a whole group of people you see evryday is really scary and stressful.  I have faith it will be okay cause honestly I work with good people, but its just a very challenging and awkward thing to say even if you sort of have to.  Like I really wish I didn't have to do this, but you sort of can't have a sex change and expect people not to notice.  People have already noticed the changes, so once I stop being so cautious and start making even bigger appearance changes people are going to be like what the hell is up?

The good thing is it's a step forward for good or for bad.  I need to put myself out there and confront my fears.  If I don't, I'm never going to move forward in my transition and I know this is what I want and who I am.  So, I have to stop being so scared and need to confront everything I've dreaded.  Like, enough of worrying about what my neighbors think and all.  Yes I care, but why should I?  Why should they have a say over my life?  They shouldn't and I have a right to be myself, and entitled to happiness like everyone else, but its really scary when you need to confess something so controversial and put yourself in a very discriminated minority group.  But I feel better.  I'm moving forward and getting closer to being where I want to be.  And I need to stand up and admit who I am to people rather than cower about it.  If I do that, I'll never be able to do this and its time that I stop being afraid of who I am and confront it and not shy away for it.   Sometimes I first that I have worth and see myself as trash, but that's not fair to myself and I need to stop being my own worst enemy and fully embrace who I am and not being so damn afraid to show it.  Its just not an easy thing to do and its partially why I'vemived so slow, finance being the other part.

For those in the same or a similar boat, I wish you all the luck in the world and hope everything goes right for you.  Its hard to remember this sometimes, but we all have self worth and have the same right to a happy life just like anyone else.  Good luck to all of you.  And thank you everyone for allowing me to get my thoughts out somewhere.  Its very therapeutic to get these emotions out and its been really nice to hear positive experiences to help me get out of a negative mind frame and think optimistically.

[Rachel]

Hi LTL,

Good luck.

If you own the message you own the content.

I suspect your co-workers care about you and will welcome you.

Being yourself and being the best you is all that matters.

LTL, by going through what you have endured in an of itself makes you a strong woman. Present your inner strength to the outside world and shine.

[rosinstraya]

Whilst I'm having a few quiet days off and going full-time.........my immediate work colleagues (that don't already know) are being told today. They then get anti-discrimination and diversity training next Thursday, and I pop by to say hello. Then the next day I'm back at work full-time and everyone in the organisation (about 200 or do) will be told.

Looking forward to it. The lies are put to rest, and I can get on with living.

[michelle82]

LTL - it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Like you I'm also very embarrassed about coming out at work. I'm HUGELY afraid of what people think of me, and I've always been like this my whole life. For this reason i feel like i've wasted 20 years of my life hiding away. 5 years ago when i thought about transition, i thought there was NO WAY i could ever present at work as female, it seemed just like a silly fantasy. And today i have the ball rolling. If you are sure about what you want, don't let fear control your life. I did this for WAY too long. For me its really been baby steps though.

Because i'm so self conscious about what others are thinking, i have a hard time making any drastic wardrobe changes, so I'm doing everything really slow. people are started to get used to my longer hair, and because i've also had 5 laser sessions, i get comments that i look younger, etc. So i figured once I'm more confident with that, ill start introducing small bits of jewelry and start slowly shifting my wardrobe. For me wardrobe is tricky because i work in a professional setting, so there really isn't an androgynous attire that can be achieved, without looking to casual.

just some thoughts! good luck to you and hope the response from your co-workers is positive.