stop being "Mr. nice guy" - random ramblings

[Kelly_1979]

This topic is rather general and not necessarily connected to transgender issues but it may be. As a kid, adolescent and adult I have been more or less "Mr nice guy", trying to be a "typical" guy, a bit introvert though. I tried being very typical (short haircut, typical guy clothes) - although I hate suits (especially formal pants). I behaved in a kinda masculine way, not doing any crazy things (I regret it now, but it's late for regrets).

I really never went to bars cause I don't like the whole atmosphere, plus that almost everybody is smoking in there (I hate smoke). The only times I went partying (like whole night - up to 7am) was while on an Erasmus program last year (while I was abroad for a few months). I tried to force myself partying etc, went a few times but couldn't find any lines, in the end hated the whole thing. Even after drinking ALOT (I usually don't drink), I didn't find it easier talking to girls....I just wanted to go home and cry.

Before accepting my transgender feelings I would keep postponing in my mind the whole "marriage, family, having kids" thing and even more now...although I'm close to 36. I used to think I want to live with a girlfriend/ partner for sometime before having kids etc. Truth is that my parents may never see grandchildren (I'm an only child). This used to hurt alot, but it doesn't hurt that much now. The only thing I can think of now is going closer to my actual self, whichever way this may turn out to be. I want to take the red pill (Matrix, duh).

Still, last years I've tried to stop restraining myself from doing things I like (kind of) - although very slowly - and think "that's who I am, if they don't like it it's their problem". My parents are still telling me to be a more "presentable" guy (cut my hair; it's still short-ish, etc) but I really don't care anymore. I'm not going to do something just to be considered "ok guy" or even to please my parents (although this isn't easy but still...)
I mean, after all the things I've told them (mainly my mother) why does she still say things about my hair etc (me meaning "come on, isn't it obvious what I'm trying to do?"). Sometimes she's behaving as if nothing's going on and I'm trying not to shout or start crying...

Just had to get it out of my system...I know I'm still generally depressed.....I'm almost in tears as I type this....

[sam1234]

I'm sorry things look so bleak to you right now. You are still young, that is in your favor if you decide you want to transition. As far as kids go, adoption is always an option. I have a son, who doesn't carry any of my genes, but my parents treat him just like they treat my younger brother's kid. Both myself and one brother were adopted and I consider my adopted parents as my only parents. If you decide you want a child but aren't with someone, you can still adopt as a single parent. It depends on whether the idea of adoption is acceptable to you and if you are willing to take a child that isn't an infant.

You know the first thing my mother said when I told her I was a transgender? "We just thought that is just the way you are". They never said anything before I told them, and I had been through a name change, wore a very short to brush cut hair style and refused to wear any female clothing. Don't feel like you are the only one whose parents don't seem to notice. I think a lot of parents don't know about gender dysphoria or are in denial. Remember, to them, you changing your gender might feel like the loss of a child and a replacement child that is the other gender.

I used to get angry that my parents didn't notice or see how miserable I was in general. When I went back to my old high school after transitioning to get my transcripts changed, my old guidance counselor said that all the teachers had noticed that I was depressed and not doing well. Guess how many of them asked if something was wrong. Zilch.

Concentrate on the path you want to walk down and try to accept the potholes. Hang in there.

sam1234

[ChiGirl]

It's tough to accept yourself and tougher to get your family to accept.  Give them time and use this time to explore your feelings and options.  At 36, you've got a lot of life in front of you!

I get the feeling of being "Mr Nice Guy."  Just work on being yourself, not what others expect you to be.  Good luck and hugs!  Remember you are not alone.

[Kellam]

I spent a lifetime trying to be the nice good person but always felt wrong, 'cause I was living a lie. So I tried even harder, never wanting to let anyone down but always letting myself down. Eventually I learned how to start saying no when what someone wanted from me would make me change my plans. I used to be afraid that my parents knew everything about me but weren't saying anything because they wanted me to keep quiet about it. Turns out they didn't have a clue but now they know they are right there for me. I'm 36 but I'll be 37 in just four months. I put my life on hold too, and that's not what anyone wants for people they care about. I have come to realize that for me to be the best person for my family and friends, I need to be the best person for me first. It took me a long time, but my needs are now very important to me. My Mom has been trying to get me to assert myself for ever,
I think I have finally learned how.

Oh, and as sam1234 said, my teachers in school saw how distraught and unhappy I was. So they threatened me with expulsion if I didn't see a therapist. I still harbor trust issues with therapists to this day. I didn't believe she was there to help me, I was certain she was just appointed to reassure to school. So I lied to her and got my pass. Yet another case of just trying to please the world while forgoing my own happiness.

I figure I have at least another fifty years to go in this life, and I intend to live them as a happy, helpful me, not what I think the world wants, what it desrves. Truth is freedom, freedom brings joy and joy spreads to the rest of the world like a warm embrace...