How I'm seeing myself

[JynxRosalie]

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and after replying to some responses on another one of my posts I figured that this was worth its' own post.

Basically, what I've noticed with myself recently is...sort of a downward spiral of sorts. I'm starting to get more and more upset at the fact that I can not start transitioning my body at all. Every day that goes by without me being able to do something about this, now that I've accepted that internally I am a woman, sees me doing the same things more and more. Looking at my reflection and hating every male feature I see, feeling more and more each day that my body will never ever be passable as a female's (even though I know that SRS and hormones does wonders), feeling like the world will always judge my body as male no matter what I do. The longer I go on, the more I feel these things, and in turn the worse I feel about myself and my future as a woman. In all honesty, no matter what reason's to doubt I've put up before, this is the biggest set. These are the main things that make me intensely question myself about whether I truly am trans, because as time goes on I find it harder and harder to see myself as anything other than a guy that simply wants to be (and acts like) a woman.

Not sure what kind of responses I'm hoping to get from this, I just needed to say put it out there.

[Ms Grace]

...my body will never ever be passable as a female's... things, and in turn the worse I feel about myself and my future as a woman...

Unless you are a certified fortune teller or can accurately predict the future then I'd say that these are just the usual doubts that pretty much every trans person goes through prior to transition. And of course you see yourself as a guy, you were born into a male body, but if your mind tells you otherwise and you would rather be in a female body then it is most likely you are trans. However I would strongly recommend discussing these issues with a therapist so you can find a resolution and solution to the issues rather than letting the worries cycle round and round in your head where they then have a tendency to grow out of proportion to reality.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Rosalie

I've had a brief look through your posts, so I understand some of the challenges you are facing.

If you are not talking to a therapist about your current issues, I agree with Grace and strongly recommend that you do find one, perferably female, to work through some of this stuff.

Your photo shows a normal person, and I would urge you not to be critical about your body.  We have what we have - it's not perfect, but in 99% of cases our bodies are not a show-stopper:  we are our own worst show-stoppers!  Get out of your room and onto the metro and into the city, and you'll see such a range of shapes and sizes of women, and you almost certainly will fit inside the range of female bodies.  It's pointless wishing we had supermodel bodies, and guess what - we're in exactly the same boat as virtually all cis women on this subject.

From looking at your posts I think you are perhaps analysing the negatives too much.  If people already misgender you for your voice, hell, this is great - it's a massive problem for so many of our trans sisters, and you're already past it!  So focus on the positives, and work to reduce the negatives.  We all have trouble with inertia, but once you get moving in the right direction you'll be astonished at what miracles you can achieve. 

Believing in yourself is the fundamental point, and if you can put to one side any types of imagined criticisms from society at large you'll advance.

Does some of this make sense?  I hope it does.

Hugs
Julia

[JynxRosalie]

It makes a lot of sense really. Also, you're not the first person to point out that I focus on negatives too much  I tend to get a little....obsessive over my issues and analyze them day and night, partly an asperger's thing and partly a personality thing in my opinion. I do look at the positives as well, like the fact that I've passed as a female for over a year straight in a voice chatting group. That does make me feel good, but the inertia that you've pointed out is my biggest enemy right now. Until I can push past that and start things going, I'm looking over things way too hard because...well....they make me feel bad and unsure about things, so I want to fix them.

Either way, I agree. I do focus on the negatives a lot, but trust me I do my best to focus on the positives. You see more of the negative thoughts here because...well I figure this is the best place to put those out there and get some good feedback. It's not all negative though, trust me on that.

[Rotika]

I was in your shoes about 3 days ago. II focus on the negatives so much. It sux. I look in the mirror and I would get angry because I cannot afford to transition yet at the age of 28. I should be well on my way. But I have to wait.
What I noticed is that the more time I spend in girlmode around other people (friends and family's houses that are ok with me) the happier I get. I just have to create enough positive time to outweigh the negative. And it takes very little of the positive to do so. A day or so in girl mode can counter weeks in boymode. If that makes any sense.
My emotions surface as anger. Everyone around me knows it. And when I've had a little girl time.. people say I glow for about a week after lol.. In boymode. I don't smile. I don't hug. I don't show emotion or get very excited about anything. In girlmode.. I'm like a damn cheerleader LOL.. I have so much fun being who I am openly.
Find your positive. Inject your life with it as often as you can. Forget the negative. Be happy hun.

[CB]

The feelings you describe are very common for a trans person. I'm not going to try and diagnose you either way as gender dysphoric or not but they seem very normal to me. And as far as self reflection goes please don't remind me of it. In the lead up to starting transition I did more self thinking than a monk or nun in a monastery! Eventually this reflection of who you really are tends to go full circle and above and beyond and gender identity you realise that you are just you. When I felt that initially it almost felt like I was questioning my "transness" if that makes any sense. Then i realised I was just accepting me as me. Finally I would then ask myself would i be happier going back to male mode both psychologically and the way I presented. The answer was a resounding NO! Does any of this make any sense?

Hormones can do wonderful things but don't peer in the mirror too much as you will likely be the last to see them. Much to my surprise I seem to be passing pretty much 100% but if look in the mirror or worry too much about my apearance I sometimes still dont see them.

Counselling may help you sort some of this out or become comfortable with what you are feeling.
However, above all be happy and be yourself!

Hugs 

[JoanneB]

In my early 20's I experimented with transitioning, twice. Both times I ended it, opting to try living as a "normalish" guy. At 6 ft tall, big boned, deep voiced, big everything, and rapidly balding, I stood no chance of ever being ANYTHING close to any sort woman. Only "One of Those", a target of ridicule, or worse. I was far from willing to volunteer for a life of that after having spent most of it as a target to begin with.

Fast forward some 30 years and I achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.  No surgeries, not much in the way of HRT. Only a big attitude shift as I started slowly accepting myself for who and what I am

Attitude is 90% of passing.