Questions people ask you when you're transgender.

[melanie maritz]

I absolutely hate it when people ask what my guy name was. It has nothing to do with me anymore, I was never that person to begin with so why should you know it?

[ThePhoenix]

(1) How did you get your voice like that?  (This is by far the question I get asked most.  It's just my natural speaking voice.).
(2) Well, I'm sure you could still sing bass if you wanted to.  (Nope.  And I never could.  Yet for some reason, because I am trans*, I had someone try to recruit me to sing bass in their vocal ensemble.)
(3) So how long since you had "the operation."  (Usually from medical professionals.  I like to ask them what operation they mean and explain there is no single "the operation."  That always makes them squirm.)
(4) How long have you been post op?  So you're post op, right?  (This is the version trans* people ask me.  I usually respond that my private parts are called private for a reason.  It seems cis people are not the only ones who need to learn that lesson).
(5) So where do you go to the bathroom?  (I usually respond by asking them where they think I'd go to the bathroom.  So far they have inevitably said the ladies room.  I respond by smiling and saying, see?  It's not so hard.).
(6) So what was your name before you . . . changed?  (Actually I haven't changed much at all.)

[jeni]

(6) So what was your name before you . . . changed?  (Actually I haven't changed much at all.)

"Irrelevant"

[Sammy]

"Irrelevant"

I had no idea people could still get names like that!

[allisonsteph]

"What is your real name?" - Allison is my real name, it even says so on my Driver's License and Social Security card.

"When did you get your boob job?" or "How much did your boob job cost?" - I didn't... it's amazing what estrogen and a push up bra can do.

"How do you have sex?"  Unless you intend to take me to dinner and a movie, none of your damn business.

[ThePhoenix]

"Irrelevant"

For some reason, I usually get that question while I'm standing around after having given a presentation about trans* issues.  It's the question I'm usually asked by the audience member, but they won't ask me in the open Q&A.  I'm not very sensitive about my "professional stage name," as I used to call it.  And since I'm usually trying to build a relationship and/or teach, I will usually answer it and then use it as a teachable moment.  So I end up saying something like:

"I'm here to educate, so it's okay to ask me a question like that.  But ask yourself why the question matters.  It really is a pretty personal and intrusive question, but it really is irrelevant.  And if you ask other trans* people that, they will see you treating them as objects of curiosity and less than real.  That is not a good way to respect a trans* person, and it can really be harmful to one who is in a vulnerable space."

Since I've been doing this mainly with antidiscrimination enforcement agencies lately, the explanation of vulnerability is very important.  A lot of trans* people are pretty wounded by the discrimination they experience, but they refuse to report anything to anyone because they fear how they will be treated. 

[melanie maritz]

what really ticked me off was that my friend , who is an LGBTI activist and is one of the letters in LGBTI, asked me that question, saying she prefers to know everything about her friends

[ThePhoenix]

what really ticked me off was that my friend , who is an LGBTI activist and is one of the letters in LGBTI, asked me that question, saying she prefers to know everything about her friends

I got asked the question about my private parts and surgery by a trans* person who is among the country's more notable trans* activists.  It blew my mind having to explain to her that the issue of my genital configuration was not really an appropriate topic at the dinner table.  (Yes, she really did bring it up over dinner!!).

Sorry.  I really have a thing about genital questions.  I'm very much of the Carerra/Cox school that we need to take focus away from that and put it elsewhere.  And honestly I'm just sick of the whole topic.  Even when the surgery topics come up in trans groups where it is more appropriate, I ave to admit I just end up zoning out and tuning them out.

And now I'm going to quit writing posts because I've got to go pick someone up. 

[Mary81]

The name question irritates me as well. Though, by far the strangest question I was asked came from the first doctor I saw when I was starting my transition. He asked me to tell him what kinds of feminine things I did, adding: "for example, do you cook or clean?".

[Jen72]

Just thought of a response to what is your genitals. Umm my biggest sexual organ is my brain so you guess. Ok not really an answer but.

[Eevee]

Oh yes. I remember another one.

"If you're a woman, then why don't you dress like one?"

I was repeatedly asked this by the same trans woman on different occasions. Sorry I'm not trying to be "super-feminine" enough for you, but I don't really feel like wearing a dress or heels right now. Drop it. Besides, I don't even have any clothes from the men's section anymore. Women can wear t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers too.

[Ellesmira the Duck]

I think the way questions are phrased and how they are asked is important. An honest curiosity with no malice or judging behind it really doesn't bug me. But if it sounds like people are just going to find fuel to be judgy, yeah, that would get old quick.

[Wynternight]

"Are you sure you're not just gay?"

My fiancee's own mother asked me this when I came out to her. I really should've worded my reply a little better, but I think "If I were gay would I be nailing the hell out of your daughter?" really drove the point home...me and my big mouth though.

That was brilliant!!

**still laughing**

[StrykerXIII]

That was brilliant!!

**still laughing**

Pretty typical response for me...I am, if naught else, a smart***

[marsh monster]

I hate the genital question and I give anyone that asks that quite a look of disgust.

One that is just dumb is "how can you give up being able to fix stuff" from someone that apparently thinks that me being trans means that the ability to fix things is somehow eliminated in the process.

And the one where they ask if you're interested in participating in their little "experiment" to find out something sexual about themselves. That always got a quick no answer followed by their embarrassment once they realize that they are a huge tool for even asking.

[Dee Marshall]

...One that is just dumb is "how can you give up being able to fix stuff" from someone that apparently thinks that me being trans means that the ability to fix things is somehow eliminated in the process....

For goodness sake, don't convert to Judaism at the same time! My Sweetie's family are notorious for being helpless with tools.

[StrykerXIII]

I got this one from my grandmother...

"But...you like girls. And cars. You like building things, and fixing things...are you going to give all that up?"

Oh, I'm sorry, miss 1950s-picture-perfect-housewife, I didn't realise women weren't allowed to like women, cars, building, or fixing.

I can't necessarily blame her for that...my grandfather WAS, admittedly, the kind of man who preferred his women "barefoot n' pregnant"...but still.

[Wynternight]

I've been asked more than once how I was able to have girlfriends when I was trans and then I have to get into a long explanation of how gender identity and sexual orientation are totally different things and that my sexual orientation seems to be aligning with that of a hetero woman the longer I'm on HRT.

Or I tell them to piss off. Depends on my mood.

[RosieD]

TBH the thing I hear most often is "hiya Rosie,  good to see you again. How are you?"

Rosie

[StrykerXIII]

One I literally just got:

"Wait, you're LGBT? But you listen to metal?"

I'm sorry, what did you expect me to listen to? RuPaul? Boy George? You know Rob Halford of Judas Priest is gay, right? *slams face into desk so hard the desk breaks*