AbeLane,
The world isn't ready for us in a lot of ways. I agree that this is not a mental thing, but therapy surrounding transitioning is a good idea. When I went through transitioning, I quit therapy as soon as I could because like you, I didn't see the sense in it and thought I was ready and could handle anything that came my way. I couldn't have been more wrong. My therapist had never worked with transgenders, so after he sent me to a specialist for screening, he allowed me to go onto T right away and quit therapy.
I'll tell you of my mistakes that could have been avoided had I stayed in therapy. Transitioning creates its own "high". You are finally getting to live in the skin you belong in. The feeling of freedom is incredible, as is your new sense of self esteem. I wanted to be normal and fit in right away, and that meant dating and getting my own family started. I had no experience save dating one girl who I had known all my life and was gay. We went out before I even knew that transitioning was possible, so it was a gay relationship, which didn't go over well.
Another F to M introduced me to one of his and his wife's friend. Mind you, I had gone from a complete hermit to being extroverted and full of what I thought was true self esteem at the time. Looking back, I should have known that changes of character that are real just don't usually happen that fast. I started dating this girl I'd been introduced by, and after two weeks of dating, told her I was a transgender. I didn't think it was fair to keep going and not let her know. At the time, I'd been on T and had my chest done, but was waiting for the next step.
The girl accepted the news immediately, and we talked all night about it. Again, it should have made me stop and think because that sort of news usually takes time to digest, especially if they have never even heard of a transgender before. (She had no idea that the guy who introduced us was an F to M ).
Within three months, I had given her the keys to my trailer, and in five months she moved in. During this time, she would make little remarks about the way I looked, wanted me to get a genetic screen because it would make her feel better if I was an xxy. At least once a week she would come over crying because her father told her how freaky transgenders were and that I was going to change my mind and go back. I overlooked those things which, if I'd been in therapy, would have flagged and gone over with the therapist who had no stake in the relationship.
Within a couple of years, we were married. The night before the wedding, I almost called it off because something felt wrong. I thought I just had cold feet. I was afraid to call it off because people had come in out of town and money had been spent on the wedding preparations. This too might have been avoided if I had talked to a therapist first. All the signs of a marriage that wouldn't work were there, but with no experience and the need to be "normal", I went ahead and married her.
After the wedding, things got worse. I had finished my transition prior to the wedding, and the personal remarks comparing me to a cis guy became more frequent. I had told her I didn't want anyone else to know I was a transgender, but she told a friend anyway. Not respecting my privacy was another ding. I kept making excuses for her telling myself that she was still adjusting and this was normal. She became pregnant through AI just before we left the state for graduate school. Once we were away from her family and everything she was used to, she really let loose with comments and emotional abuse. After our son was born, we'd be sitting, holding him and she would say "I wonder what his real father looks like", or "I wonder if we will be able to see what his "real" father looked like.
We divorced after seven years of marriage when our son was just shy of three years old. It was devastating, but the abuse, maxing out credit cards, refusal to get a job even when our son was in day care became too much.
I can't blame everything on a lack of therapy, but I do think that my life would have been very different had I stayed in it and had an outlet as well as a neutral person to go over all that with me. After seven years of an abusive marriage, my hard won self esteem was crushed as well as my belief in my own judgement.
I never saw any of that coming and I could have. You might not have the same issues there, but there are probably things that will happen after you transition that you never even thought of. A big deal is made of therapy before transitioning, but personally, I think therapy after the transition is even more important. Ideally, I think a person should be able to transition when they are ready rather than having someone else tell them when they are ready, but the person should continue the therapy during and after transition. I really do understand your anger. Its not fair that we have to prove we are the gender we say we are, but its a huge change in all aspects of your life with no road map. Do yourself a favor and get as much out of therapy as you can. You will be glad you did in the long run.
sam1234
