Discomfort with Situations Around Me

[SpaceMutie]

It's been a long time since I've been on here, so I'm a little rusty with communicating and so on. But, there's something that's been bothering me for some time that I'd like to get off my chest really quick. I have been working on passing as a male as often as I can, being a 16 year old in a school where everyone knows you and what you previously were-- in my case, female. I used a binder and talk in lower, deeper voices. I enjoy being in the masculine category of things, it's comforting to me.

However, that doesn't mean that I'm really comfortable around men. Thanks to prior trauma, which I can't really speak about without breaking down, speaking and communicating with other men makes me excruciatingly nervous, often enough that I want to essentially curl up and hide in a corner. Most people I talk to consider that a 'female' thing, that I can't do 'guy talk' or play sports or go to the bathroom without having to trek to the nurse's office like everyone else can. It's horrid. I feel like I'm carrying the biggest secret on Earth, and, until I can get out of high school, I have to deal with the weight constantly.

I hide what I feel deep down. My school is Christian-- albeit somewhat tolerant-- and funded by very rich conservative families who would kick me out in a heartbeat thanks to the private school setting. I feel so guilty because I literally feel like a liar to everyone I see every day. The guilt overwhelms me. It makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do and it's killing me on the inside not to be able to just burst forth like some giant metaphorical fountain of queerness like I love doing around my trusted friends outside of school. I Just need help...

[Ms Grace]

Hi! So are you passing as male at your school? I thought you were until the part about it being conservative and that you might be kicked out. Either way you should try and find someone you can talk to about the abuse and find a way to work through your anxiety and fear so that you can interact with men easier.

[SpaceMutie]

Hi! So are you passing as male at your school? I thought you were until the part about it being conservative and that you might be kicked out. Either way you should try and find someone you can talk to about the abuse and find a way to work through your anxiety and fear so that you can interact with men easier.

Ah, I apologize for the miscom, I'm bad at that sort of thing. Let me rephrase: I pass as male for people who don't know me very well, such as freshman, parents, and the occasional teacher that doesn't know me, which is rare in and of itself. I have been a little rebellious lately and sneaking into the male bathrooms simply because I can't stand the thought of spending another moment in the womens' restroom at school or in public. Having another kid ask me why there's a boy in the women's room is too much. So I go in and go out as quick as possible, hiding so that no one can see my face or recognize me if I'm fast enough. That's how I could get kicked out. Which is my fault, given, but I pick my poisons here and there.

I do have a therapist, she's new, and we're sort of in an odd relationship. I don't really trust those sorts of people as much as I should, because I've been to a lot of doctors and psychiatrists and who-knows-whats and none of them have ever given me a good impression. So it's hard to rely on that strength.

[suzifrommd]

I wouldn't sweat too much not being comfortable around other guys. There are a lot cis males that feel that way too. There's no requirement that you love being around males in order to be one.

That being said, if you want to master guy talk, it's not rocket science. I'm sure some of the guys that post in the FtM area would be happy to give you some pointers.

I also would like strongly to encourage you to find therapy to help you through your prior trauma. There are very successful therapies to help people get past trauma, and high school is hard enough without that sort of baggage.

In my opinion, YOU ARE NOT LYING by showing yourself to the world as a male. On the contrary, you are making it easy for them to see who you truly are. However, a lot of people feel more comfortable being out to the people who know them well, even if it means that some people treat you differently from the way they would if they didn't know your history. I tell my friends I'm trans because my history is part of who I am.

Make sense?

[MelissaAnn]

Hi SpaceMutie,

First let me start out with I'm sorry you had to experience the trauma you went through and my heart goes out to you! I too experienced severe trauma in my childhood at the hands of my uncles who abused me sexually for over tan years. With the help of some wonderful therapist I worked my way through it and I'm extremely happy now and can talk about it. It's hard work but it can be done!

There is no rule that says you have to feel comfortable talking and interacting with boys or men around you. You do how ever need to be comfortable with yourself and everything else will start to come together for you. I don't know where you live but in the state I live in you can use the bathrooms for the gender that you identify with.

I know it can be difficult to be true to yourself when societies constraints are tying you down. Try not to sweat the little things and just continue to make small changes a little at a time. Never feel guilty for how you feel. If someone wants you to be miserable for their happiness they are not worth having in your life!

Much Love,

Melissa Ann

[Rachel]

Hi SpaceMutie,

You are doing just fine.

You are not lying. You are doing what is necessary to cope with the situation. In fact you are very brave.

A little secret, most guys are followers because they are afraid of being leaders. 

Trauma is something that must be addressed to grow comfortable with yourself, when you are ready, help from a competent therapist can help you address and release the energy the trauma has over you.

There are no guide books to being a guy; every guy is different. I know a lot of guys that are not into sports and are not athletes.

[SpaceMutie]

Hi SpaceMutie,

You are doing just fine.

You are not lying. You are doing what is necessary to cope with the situation. In fact you are very brave.

A little secret, most guys are followers because they are afraid of being leaders. 

Trauma is something that must be addressed to grow comfortable with yourself, when you are ready, help from a competent therapist can help you address and release the energy the trauma has over you.

There are no guide books to being a guy; every guy is different. I know a lot of guys that are not into sports and are not athletes.

I know that. But, when you have that added layer of insecurity in 'oh god, what if they find out, what if they think I'm girly, what if they misgender me oh god' on top of my natural inclination not to talk and to shy away from others, it's hard to be anything but the most cookie-cutter guy possible. It's easier to fit in, so that at least I'm something every guy knows about and understands, even if it's not true at all. Because I have so few friends, I cling to the ones I have at school by acting like a standard issue dudebro. It's not fun, but it's what I have, I guess. I don't know if that's cowardly or not, it's just me.