Boy does this all sound very familiar, except I'm only 6ft, or was. Technically you can say I was 52 when I started transitioning. To me "Transition" is simply "To Change". I got to the point in my life when I knew I needed to do something about how I WAS NOT dealing with being TG. I relied heavily on my 3D's, Diversions, Distractions, and Denial, to keep my mind off my only one hope, wish, dream in my life, to be a woman. The same dream I can remember since the age of 4-5. At the very least I knew I needed to stop keeping Joanne deeply buried. I was merely playing a role expected of me, not being the real me. I needed to become one whole, healthy and happy person. I needed to embrace that side of me, not bury it.
Five to six years I still am not sure about a full social transition. My career is too much fun and would be at great risk. My wife.... well, supportive since I haven't killed myself yet. No a big fan of the physical changes to date from the HRT. Loves my joy and love of life and how much I have grown as a person. And in this backwoods armpit just 3 miles from NYC we both fear for our personal safety and the safety of our property if I become the neighborhood "Freak".
Gender expression is a big aspect of who I am. It is not the biggest. Other aspects which I define myself are also fairly important to me. Luckily I am not a member of the Transition or Die club, nor thanks to the GD hit a really really low point in my life (almost there 6 years ago) where "Transition is just another word for nothing left to loose".
I also know that without putting in all the hard work to grow as a person, finding a fantastic TG support group, going to therapy for the first time ever to primarily help loose the ton of baggage from Shame and Guilt I carried and learn new ways or use new tools to help manage my life, I would not have been able to achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.
I knew the work was needed by me. Twice in my early 20's I experimented with transitioning. Twice they ended with me opting to try to a "Normal(ish)" male. I know in my heart if I forced myself to go through with transitioning, I'd likely be dead today. I was ill prepared for it emotionally. I had options.
Ignoring the problem does not make it go away. Burying the problem in my case was the same as burying me. I became a lifeless, soulless thing that woke up every morning doing what "He" needed/expected to be doing. I live in more fear of becoming that person again, then the potential consequences of a full transition. I know for sure going back to that I WILL loose my wife. My job will explode once again. I'll be yet another statistic, some 60 y/o engineer out of work and not that super hero problem solver I have been most of my life.
I hope my Super-Hero status will come in handy when/if the time does come I Need to transition.
