Having felt pretty good recently, the last couple of days I've felt like I've been the butt of a joke amongst groups of lads on two separate occasions. I can't be sure exactly what was going on but on the second occasion it seemed fairly blatant that they were talking about me. So some thoughts:
1. I pass pretty well, and I think I look pretty good, but I think my feet give me away. I'm small in height and frame, my voice passes on the phone and in conversation, and I don't wear crazy outfits that draw attention. People have told me they never knew I was trans until I told them. I feel like things areas good as they are going to get now and yet I'll never look like a cis woman. There'll always be someone who figures it out.
2. If these people did clock me, it's logical to think that more besides do, and are just being polite.
3. I know that it shouldn't matter and that I should just ignore what people think but my anxiety is hard wired into me and I can't change that.
4. They didn't fancy me so that's not why they were paying me attention.
5. I am paranoid and I dwell on things, I know that. It worries me how easily I can get knocked off track, and I'm not sure how I'll cope for the rest of my days.
6. I'm worried that I've made myself unlovable. Who would want this, and all the crap that comes with it?
I feel lost at the moment. This world isn't a good place to be different.
