I am writing a super-lengthy response in hopes of lifting you up and maybe helping you see a different outlook than the bleak one you seem to view at the moment. I completely understand your situation.
I knew my parents where totally prejudiced, biased and non-tolerant before starting transition, so I decided not to tell them when I started HRT, and I did the same about a year later, when I had orchi and t-shave while they were away on a trip for almost a week. I have done my transition "in hiding" from almost everybody, because I knew and still know that the world as it is now, is not ready to understand and support transgender people; only a minority of people do accept us, the rest of the world have no idea and no interest in learning about our "condition".
About two years since I started HRT I told my parents I am trans.
Not because I decided to, but because there was an accumulation of years of pressure to tell them what was really happening to me (spending entire days alone in my room, endless fights with both of them, their catching me with some makeup or a fem attire when I was trying to hide that from them, and the evident physical changes, not too big but noticeable enough). The same month, I was sent to a shrink chosen by my mother and started getting sleeping and anti-psychotic medicine "to treat my disorder".
On december last year I started taking a SSRI medication (an anti-depressant, fluoxetine).
This thing was LONG DUE for me. I started taking it because I saw my dad recover from being a total mess that wouldn't even climb down the stairs and ever leave the house, into a normal-functioning being, partly because of taking that medicine, i mean it completely got rid of his depression altogether. This thing has done WONDERS for me, I call it the "I don't care" drug. That means all the things that caused me panic, anxiety and depression, have decreased doing that on me either partially, significantly or completely. Very few things really upset me now, the way they did before. It took me about six weeks to see it work though.
After almost
FOUR YEARS since I told my parents that I am trans, I have come to the realization that they WILL NEVER treat me, address me and regard me as anything other than "their son"
and I have come to terms with that, even if that hurts like a knife through my heart, specially when they scream "my name" and call me "son" but you know, some things are just not meant to change. So I have given up on my folks' acceptance. I will continue transitioning and presenting as the true me for the rest of the world. My close family (folks and siblings and any other blood-related people) may choose to ignore my reality if they wish. Free will. I am not going to put a gun to their heads to "accept me". Trying to convince others of something they are not interested in learning, is something incredibly exhausting both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'd rather focus that energy on improving both my self and my social acceptance through the support of people who do see me as the real me.
Okay, this is very long enough already, so here's the little advice and pep talk I can give you to cheer you up and help you see life is much brighter than how you currently see it:
MY HUMBLE ADVICE IS THISFirst, if and when you start transitioning (HRT and all else) DO IT FOR YOURSELF, not for others. Don't seek the approval of anybody other than yourself. If your GID is huge and you do nothing about it, you will be utterly miserable the rest of your life and you will reflect that miserable life outlook on others close to you. But if you start becoming the real you, some doors will close (mostly from utterly biased and ignorant people, some of them may be very close relatives) but many doors will open as well, just as it happened to me with my BF and a few awesome trans friends I've met through transition.
Second, IF AND WHEN you "come out" (sorry I just don't like that phrase, I prefer just saying when you TELL your folks or whomever, that you are trans person) again, do it for yourself, not for others. In my particular case, I did it because i was tired of telling lies about having depression bouts because of my diabetes, or not finding a job or whatever else. There came a time when I FELT it was necessary to tell the truth, for my own health. The moment I told them, it was an irreversible thing, with me having had an orchi, t-shave, already two years into HRT with breasts and a somewhat feminine body. Too late for them to "stop me" anyways. --Sorry mommy and daddy, the ship has already sailed!!!
Third, LOOK AT THE POSITIVES RATHER THAN THE NEGATIVES of your current situation. If you do, even if just a little bit, you will be amazed at how easily the positives outweigh the negatives. So let's see some of those positives vs. the negatives okay?
You mentioned both your mom and dad, and a sister, in your post. That means you have all of them, your folks and a sister. Regardless of how biased and close minded they may be (as are mine for instance), you still HAVE THEM. Many people don't. Many people NEVER MET one or both of their parents, never knew the experience of having a sibling. So, think about it and cherish that. Would you rather have foster or step parents, be in a foster home treated much differently and less lovingly (even if as someone in the non-preferred gender) than with your own folks?
You said you backed into another person's car, and you were speeding (last one, BAAAD IDEA! better late than never, better late than maimed for life!). Unless you are a car yourself, which I really don't believe you are, you had to be driving one yourself. That means, AT LEAST, that you CAN DRIVE and are licensed to it. And maybe you even OWN a car! Lots of people don't have a car. They have to use public transportation on a daily basis --been there, done that-- and believe me, it totally sucks! So one day when you are driving the car anywhere, just look at what is happening around you. People having to ride the bus or the train, even if crowded, because they have no other choice. Others walking, wandering the streets, maybe homeless, because they can't even afford public transportation, for God sakes maybe they can't even afford a one dollar burger!
You said you are afraid you may lose your job. Hey, YOU DO HAVE A JOB, do you realize that many haven't had "one of those" in years and years, such as moi, and when you haven't had one for years, you have no work history, no references and recent experience to back you up to get a new one? Just think about that and you will see you are blessed, compared with so many others.
I saw your picture. You seem to be a fully-functioning being in it. What i mean is:
How is your eyesight? are you missing any of your eyes or have permanent vision-impairing issues? If not, just think about the millions that do suffer from partial tor complete blindness, and be thankful you are not one of those people. And they still have to struggle every day in life, just like you and me!
How about your ears and mouth? Are you able to hear and listen, can you speak, can you be heard? If so, think about so many others that are hearing and verbally impaired. They have to go through life anyways!
Do you have functioning arms and legs? Do you have fingers, can you grab things, can you change the channels on the remote at will? I would assume you can do all that, simply because of your ability to drive a car into another one, and your ability to drive fast. Remember, millions of people are handicapped, they are missing an arm, a leg, or both, and they are still going about their business every single day.
Okay I could go on and on for ages on this, but you could just take inventory of all you have yourself (you can smell nice stuff, you can taste nice food, you can enjoy a refreshing glass of water, can't you?). You can marvel at a sunrise or a sunset and see the pretty stars and constellations and the occasional shooting star on a very dark quiet night, can't you?
And the main thing,
YOU HAVE YOUR FREEDOM, don't you? If you talk about your folks and sister, driving a car, having a job, it means you are not secluded in a prison or a mental institution, it means you are not being held by a hostile government or terrorist group against your will, you are not a terminal patient who has to spend the rest of his/her life in a hospital or care home, without ever being able to go out for a walk, see a sunset, feel the clean air coming from the trees, see an airplane going above your head, crack yourself up watching some funny comedy, enjoy a yummy meal or a nice drink, i mean the possibilities are endless, when you are free...
This got very lengthy I know. If you had trouble going to sleep and this helped, then I am glad it was of any use! Just as the saying goes, count your blessings. MANY PEOPLE would like to be in your skin, believe me, even if maybe you don't like it so yourself. The grass may be green on both sides of the fence, only we may have a distorted vision of our own grass and sometimes we need to realize it is green, even greener than any other grass anywhere. And remember, whatever you do about yourself, do it first FOR YOU, because the happier you feel, the happier others will feel around you!
Cheers
Bibi B.
