need support hugs - it's becoming real and permanent

[Alexis79]

I finally broke down and told my beatific and wonderful spouse last night. It is the second major conversation we have had, and it went all night. I might have gotten two hours of sleep. It was not an unpleasant conversation...no hostility at all. And she just gave me a text saying she cannot stay married if I go further, but will be my friend unconditionally and offer what support she can.

I'm shaking right now. I can't stop it. Either my marriage is ending now to an incredibly smart and wonderful person, and I get to find and be all of my true self, or I stay and risk getting it wrong and hurting her and myself further.

I know what to do...I just need some comfort and assurance that I am honoring her this way. I only want her to be happy, and I can't offer that to her when I need this so much. Her needs matter, and I'm not sure I can meet them except for letting her go. She is the best person I've ever met in the world, and I hate to do it.

Please tell me it's ok. Please tell me I'm going to be ok. Lie if you must.

[Jen72]

Not that I can read much into it but from the fact she will stay your friend no matter what does say something. However that may mean if you basically just brought this up relatively recently maybe its more give her time and yourself from jumping into this too fast for both of you. Or the ok not lying sorry but maybe she just could not handle you as a women. Really give her some time to let it sink in and things may just work out better then you both think. I hope works out better in the end of course but just let things go slower for her sake and I can see that may be hard for you but might work better in the long run.

Good luck! May a little hard patience yield a better fruit:)

[Alexis79]

This is 6 months and one state to state move in the works. So...not completely sudden.

[Jayne]

No lies needed.
Me and my ex had a rule we both lived by "If you're not happy with yourself you'll never be happy in a relationship"
You're lucky she's said she'll support you & stay friends but be prepared for some anger or resentment in the near future, you've had your life to come to terms with being trans & you have to remember that she is having to accept this very quickly, she's had a huge bombshell dropped into her life & may go through the five stages of grief whilst coming to terms with this, support her as much as she needs even if the support she needs is time to herself.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Alexis. This is really hard. Luckily you are strong.

I don't need to lie. My transition destroyed a marriage that had been going strong for more than 20 years. It was a major loss, but I still am better off being my true self.

I think you're doing the right thing. Your marriage wouldn't be worth anything if you were constantly fighting a battle between what she needed and what you needed. Marriages can't survive that way.

Please protect yourself, legally, though. It will make it easier in the end.

[mrs izzy]

For me Alex I had my saying it all will be good and will work through it.

I was  happy she was also extremely in having a female to shop with. 

In 2 months I will be celebrating now my 9th year marriage with my husband.

Not everything in life can last forever. 

Always look at tomorrow,  it can and will be a better day if you place the effort to make so. 

Hugs. 

[ImagineKate]

Hey Alexis,

You're pretty strong. It's a really good thing that she plans to support you even though you won't be together.

It is really your decision but you probably know which direction you're going.

I too am very likely losing a 10 year marriage. Sadly I don't think I could stay friends with her. We would co-parent and that would be it pretty much. I think she wants to remain friends but I don't think I can.

[ChiGirl]

Hi, Alexis, you are doing great the right thing.  If you are miserable and thus is the thing you need, you would be hurting both of you if you didn't explore it.  I'm in the same situation with my wife.  I with wonder if the certainity about your marriage, that might make it easier to move forward.  And its wonderful that she wants to stay friends.

It's going to be OK.

Good luck and BIG HUGS! Remember you are not alone.

[adrian]

Hugs, Alexis! It will. Be. Ok.

[Jerri]

Hi Alex,
For me I was sure I had the strength to overcome everything and live in a role, that was not true to me, and the last 10 years of a 25 year relationship nearly ended with me killing myself, her hating me for not being honest in the beginning and without any reserve no friendship or support.
All I can say is be honest as soon as you are strong enough to be so, and life will take its course and carry you right along with it. There is no right advice or answer that I can give you, you have to make that call for yourself, I sure can give you a big hug and wish you all the strength and courage to make your choice and to be able to live a full and wonderful life

It really will be ok
Jerri

[Eveline]

Honey, it will be OK.

I know you have an awful choice to make. If you don't transition, you risk long-term unhappiness or worse, and putting your wife through the same. If you do transition, you can find joy in your new life, but you may lose her.

One small comfort might be that with transition, at least you are giving your wife the choice to be with a happier you.

Take care of yourself during all the emotional turmoil, and remember that we are all here to support you in any way we can.

Hugs!

[Athena]

Hugs, it hurts now but it will get better.

[Stanna]

Hugs for you Alexis, you are going to be okay.

Stanna

[JLT1]

Being honest is hard sometimes.   You did the right thing.   It's going to be OK.

I had the same conversation with my wife.   She left me three times but she also came back three times.   We are still together and it's getting better.

Hugs

Jen

[JoanneB]

After a good 5 years into this journey my wife and I have had many similar conversations. We both place the others happiness above our own. We both would rather part ways as friends then to see things slowly dissolve under bitterness and anger. We both especially do not want to come one day to find the other dead.

I cannot ask, nor can I expect her to stay with me if the day comes I need to go full-time. I turned over the tables and she is absolutely correct in that she did marry a woman (mostly). Nor can either of us imagine finding anyone that even comes close.

[Rachel]

Alexis, Hugs

It is a difficult situation. Keep the lines of communication open and give  it some time.