What Am I?

[mnrjpf99]

Ok. I am not really sure where to start, but first off, I am a guy.
All of my life, I have never felt like the one I see in the mirror is me. Growing up, I was never into things that other boys did. My brother would make me play football and stuff with him. I HATED it! Lol I always loved figure skating, dance and so on.
I was always referred to as a pansy. When my brother and I would fight, I pulled his hair an clawed him with my nails. He used to say that "I fought like a girl". I did get into cars and stuff but that is about as boy as I could get.
On Halloween a few times, my sisters would dress me as there lil sister. It really didn't bother me. My Mum wasn't too happy when they tried to pierce my ears once though. Lol My hair was always long so I guess they figured "why not?"
I was a very sensitive kid. I was emotional about "silly stuff", I was told.
I liked having girls for friends more than boys. It has always been like that to this day. I used to talk on the phone a LOT to girls that were just friends. I did have girl friends too. I am and always have been straight. The joke I used to make is, that "I am a lesbian trapped in a mans body". Lol
I have never really felt like a guy. I always felt and do feel, a lot of the time, well... like a girl.
I was always the guy that girls could talk to, because I could relate to them better than most guys. I have been told at least a have a dozen times, that "It's cool to hang out with you. It's like your one of the girls" I guess I didn't realized that it showed so much.
I get along with guys, but I feel like I have to "put on a show" when I talk to them. If I am at a party of some sort, where there are girls in the kitchen talking about the kids and such and guys in the living room talking about sports or slamming their wives or girlfriends, I would much rather be in the kitchen any day. To be honest, I think a lot of men are egotistical butt heads. Lol I can not and will not ever be like that. It's not who i am.
As far as I know, people don't think I am gay. Which is a good thing because I am not. I have nothing a all against gay people, it's just not for me is all.
I don't really get into the idea of wearing woman's clothes, but a lot of times I would buy woman's jeans that looked like they could be a mans, because they fit me better. To be honest I liked the fact that they were woman's pants. I also liked my hair long because first of all, it felt more natural and also I just liked it long cuz it was a way of being my "inner girl" so to speak.
I have funny lil habits that most guys don't have. Even though this is an understanding forum, it is a lil embarrassing to admit that I do the whole hand flappy thing before I sneeze. Lol I have to stop myself from saying things like "oopsy's" in front of people or other things that are "feminine" and soon.
I like to go shopping with my female friends. They like the fact that I don't mind going. Sometimes I will see something pretty and think "If I was a girl, I would sooo want that".
The part that messed up is I feel like a girl at least %80 of the time, but on the other hand, I am only sexually and relationship wise, interested in girls.
I just sometimes don't know where I "fit". I am a middle aged guy, but feel like a girl in my 20's. It's just who I am and always have been. This whole thing is not some sort of "mid life crisis" or something either. God please tell me I am not nuts. Lol
This is the first time I have ever shared these feelings with anyone. Sometimes I just don't know how to be, if that makes sense?

[cindy16]

Hi and welcome to Susan's!

I can relate to some of what you have shared though not all, as I went through a similar questioning phase a few months ago until I finally began to accept myself. I think that's the first step - accepting yourself, and deciding whether you are OK with just feeling a certain way or are you looking to do something more about it. A good gender therapist can be a big help in this process.

Regarding sexuality, I don't think it is 'messed up' at all. Gender identity and sexuality are two different things and both have a wide spectrum which is not necessarily related to the other. e.g. I am mtf lesbian too and there are many others like that here.

About feeling like a different age, well that happens to cis folk too. You are only as old as you feel like.

[cindianna_jones]

Your sexual identity and your gender identity are two different things. Don't confuse them while trying to discover yourself. You might turn out to be a lesbian. I'm pretty femme, but I feel most comfortable talking to a bunch of guys. Maybe I'm just interested in cool toys. When it comes to sports, I'm back with the girls talking brownies. Look, you don't have to make a decision. Just go with the flow. Sooner or later, you may feel a drive that you can't stop. That's when you'll be sure you're heading somewhere. Until then, enjoy your experiences. They are youthful and fun. Remember them too.

Chin up!
Cindi

[mnrjpf99]

I have watched several videos about transgender children lately and I find myself getting emotional and kind of envious of them because of the things that can be done now, such as hormone blockers and such. It makes me wonder if those treatments were available to me as a child, if I would have done the same things? More than likely, yes.
Those videos have made me realize that I have been a girl all of my life and I just never really thought about it much unless it was mentioned to me because it was just the way I was.
I do like who I am on the inside but not on the outside. The only thing that is really male about me is my sexuality.  I feel like I am 2 different people in one body.
Yes in a lot of ways I wish I could be a girl on the outside too, but I know in reality, I wouldn't be able to "pull it off" without someone knowing I am really a guy dressed as a girl. (physically) I think it would cause more problems than do me good, so I guess I just have to live my double life. I am very sad about this but I feel I have no other realistic choice. :0\