Coming out to parents?

[^_^Elaine]

How do I come out to my extremely judgemental parents?
I was taught to be as manly as possible, and to never show weakness of any kind, and have built this whole false persona based on it. Now I'm taking steps to transition, and hope to begin HRT very soon. I'm honestly scared that my folks won't accept that their manly son is really a feminine girl deep down. 
Any advice and/or encouragement is welcome.

[StrykerXIII]

Your folks sound like mine. I'm probably not the one you want to take advice from, because I've dealt with a lifetime of being called heartless and psychotic, but I pretty much decided that I was coming out, and if they didn't like it, they'd get the  over it.

And that's how it went. I now speak with my parents once a month. Twice, if I'm feeling generous.

As I said...I'm probably not the one to take advice from, but that's how my own experience went. It was a lengthy Facebook post that basically ended with, "I'm trans. Don't like it? Go  yourself."

[adrian]

Hi Elaine,

If you don't feel confronting your parents, maybe writing them a letter would be a start? Like this you won't have to deal with any of their immediate reactions. But in a way it also gives you less control over the situation.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation for you!

Adrian

[^_^Elaine]

A letter actually sounds like a pretty good idea. I would have no control anyway, my mom is like the only person that can make me feel the way she does. She's the only one I'm worried about too. My dad won't understand the why, but he's too stubborn in is love for his children for his own good. Lol

[immortal gypsy]

Encouragement: Breathe, relax, be yourself. Have you told people (friends other family members) that do accept you? This way it will not be the end of the world if it goes badly. Not saying it will hurt any less, they are your parents but still.....

Advice: I told mine in a resturant. I knew my mother wouldn't go off in public (in private she would), I played that to the hilt. If there is a way for you to control the situation to make you feel as comfortable as possible, be it environment or means of telling them use it.

[^_^Elaine]

Advice: I told mine in a resturant. I knew my mother wouldn't go off in public (in private she would), I played that to the hilt. If there is a way for you to control the situation to make you feel as comfortable as possible, be it environment or means of telling them use it.

More good advice, my mom is the same way, thanks. ^_^

[immortal gypsy]

More good advice, my mom is the same way, thanks. ^_^

Just a slight word of warning. my mum won't hesitate to call me when she needs my help, (I wrote her speech for my sister's weeding). Me getting in contact with her when I need her help, a whole other story.

Not sure if I'm completley forgiven on HOW I told her yet. Oh well, it was my coming out, my decision, my choice on when and how to do it.

What ever way you choose, you will be fine. We're all here for you

[adrian]

I initially thought I'd go the letter route. I was fairly optimistic my parents would be accepting, but I thought I wouldn't be able to deal with the worry and concern I'd see in their faces. But after writing the letter I figured I had enough "clarity" to actually tell them face to face.

Of course then that plan went down the drain because the situation with my husband turned me into crying heap and I dumped everything onto my mom because I didn't know who to turn to for support. So nothing went as planned really, but the outcome isn't too bad. So I guess what I'm saying is: even if you have plan, things may not go according to it. But that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Maybe your parents will surprise you!

[Ms Grace]

Not sure how old you are or the degree you're still dependent on them. You should consider what you are hoping to accomplish by coming out to them, what kind of help and support (financial and emotional) would you hope to receive from them (like therapy). Just telling them you are trans without some kind of action plan or direction might leave you floundering.

[Laura_7]

You could look up the following resources for a few thoughts:
there is a pflag brochure "Coming Out As Trans.pdf" with a few points... I personally like the twin explanation, you will be like your female twin... with still the same sense of humour etc...
and there is a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf"


Well since you know them best its up to you what you say... many people come out in a letter and show some additional resources later, like some vids...

another idea could be the help of a counselor, maybe even from an lgbt center... and there might be support groups there...

[Emileeeee]

That's a tough one. I have parents like these too. I used a letter but it only seemed to be effective for one, my mother. My father still demanded the tell it to my face "like a man" response. I still feel that the letter was the safer option.

[^_^Elaine]

I'm 21 and rely as little on my parents as possible, especially financially.  My mother can be really selfish about the worst things sometimes.
Talking things out helps me to process my thoughts, and it's nice to have found a place that I can vent my fears. Thank you for the support everyone.

[Devlyn]

I think there's a policy about linking offsite. Here is some information and sample letters that may be helpful: https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Family_and_friends

Good luck and stay strong!

Hugs, Devlyn