Sorry for not posting an update on this thread as I left it off on a very shaky and uncertain way. Like I said before, I'm good about sharing my fears and stuff, but not the good things that happen which I think is unfair for those reading who are in the questioning stage. And for what its worth, positive experiences from others really helped me when I was terrified to begin transitioning. So forgive the delay, I've just been busy preoccupied.
Anyway, I finally did it. I spoke with my boss about it and she made it clear that I have her support and that my place of employment is an accepting place. She even went as far as saying that anyone that has a problem with it would have a problem with her and would be better finding a job somewhere else that is less accepting/tolerant. It felt amazing to here that and it gave me a lot of respect for my office manager to be so supportive. Anyway, i left and she handed the note out to everyone. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I knew my coworkers were nice people and wanted to believe it wouldn't be an issue; nevertheless, my low self esteem and fear have been hurting my perception greatly. Well, it went really well. I got many supportive, caring and understanding texts the night of and received nothing but nice words the next day. I've been so afraid to come out, but I feel so much better know that I am. Its really like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders (and apparently it went to my fat ass in turn,lol). Knowing that I can proceed at work has been a very helpful thing and allows me to continue on without worrying about my job or totally weirding everyone out as I continue to make changes.
With that said, one step forward has shown me how many more there are to take. There are many people I have to talk to and share this incredibly personal thing. I've been putting most of my coming out off until I was more comfortable with my physical appearance and felt comfortable presenting female, but my family has made it clear that I need to begin disclosing or they will do it for me. There is only so much time for me before I can prevent them from telling everyone in their lives. And it sucks to be outed, but I get it. They are dealing with this alone and need to talk to someone and create their own support system as I come closer to presenting differently. And the hardest conversation for me to have is coming closer which is my father. I'm not sure what he knows, but he is aware that I started hormones and there is something different going on. Its been awkward between us and we really don't talk much and see each other like one time a year. Telling him is going to be so hard. Although he and I no longer have much interaction, he is my father and I love him with all of my heart. But I'm not sure he will be okay with this at all. And even though I'm an adult now, my parents have a big hold over me. Well, I have a few weeks to prepare, so hopefully I'll be able to handle it when it comes. Still I don't know why I'm so afraid as I'm so used to having people find out and I don't really blend in as a normal guy anymore. Why should admitting something already known or suspected be so scary? Its funny when you think about it as confronting this will probably be easier than hiding it, at least pfor the most part- can't say that will be the case for my father or other family members who are not yet in the loop.
Anyway, I really don't want to keep holding myself back and hate that I get older everyday and lose time for my life when I am free, so to speak, but I want to make sure I pass as best as I can when I take the steps. But its happening sooner or later than matter what. Im 26 now and can't waste more of my life feeling unhappy and uncomfortable in my skin. I really want to start taking the big risks soon and don't want to go past this summer without making huge progress, though I have seen myself make failing goals before out of passing fears and I'm disappointed in myself. I know I have to bite the bullet and need to be more proactive than just giving the hormones time. That's only going to get me so far and I have to face the fact that its only going to get easier once I face my fears as they aren't going to go away without me dealing with them. And in the particular case of work, facing the fear was much harder than it being actually being out which is really much easier for me. Overall, I'm sure the fear is probably going to be the worst part of it all.
Thank you everyone that's been here throughout my transition. I've been very slow with it, but I'm shocked I've been able to do what I have so far and my life is steadily improving for it. Honestly, I wouldn't have been able to do it without this site and the people here. Thank you for all the support, advice and for listening to my rambling essays throughout my time here.
