In need of Help, Advice, Reassurance

[Delyth]

Its been really hard to make this post.
I thought I was on the cusp of confronting my gender issues a few months ago. I'd got some great advice.
I had been seeing a counselor for anxiety and depression issues, and was trying to build myself up to coming clean about my gender issues but stopped due to embarrassment, guilt and fear.
I think always known that something wasn't quiet right, however I learnt from an early age to hide and conform or otherwise I would have severely bullied and looked on as some kind of freak.
I've tried to do everything to be a good guy. Played contact sport. Been a reservist. Partied hard. Moved away.
Secretly though I like feminine things. I secretly dress. I just returned from a vacation during which I visited a spa and got a facial and some other health treatment. It felt natural.
I just turned 34 a few days ago and have been asking myself whether I should keep up the suppression act for the rest of my life or try to understand and accept myself?
I feel terrified though that I could open Pandora's box. I am scared of the reaction of those around me. Even how a counsellor could react scares me.
Am I a coward for keeping everything bottled up? Would I be accepted as female by all those in my life and society?

[Devlyn]

Hi Delyth, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. The first post is tough, isn't it? Accepting yourself can be hard, too. Get past that and you'll be fine  Get ye to Roll Call too, there are a lot of military folks on the site. See you around!

Hugs, Devlyn

[TracyCakes]

Delyth,

I really am not qualified to give you any guidance.  But I connected with your story.  So I guess I will share with you my experience.  The first person I ever told was a counselor that specializes in trans issues.  I was freaking out just making the appointment but did it because I knew she was bound by confidentiality. I was Shaking on my way into her office. Then the words that I never thought I would utter to anyone just  came out of my mouth.. Totally broke down for about 10 minutes just sobbing. The next words out of her mouth was asking if I had a femme name that she could call me.  one of the most impactful moments in my life because finally another person on the face of the earth knew.  I took me a few years after that to tell anyone else.

Im not sayin this is the right path for you.  Plus I'm always hesitant on weighing in on these things because I dont have the insight that many of the others here have.  Just my experience and don't know where I would be without making that decision.  Good luck. 

[Ms Grace]

Hey Delyth

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

When you say you were working up to coming clean about your gender issues, was that with your counsellor or with family/friends? These things all take time and there is no point forcing yourself if you don't feel ready since that only makes you feel bad about yourself when you can quite get it out. Hopefully your counsellor is a safe space for you to raise these issues. Raising it with family/friends is much more difficult if you do not feel safe and there is no hurry, wait until you have yourself on firm footing through counselling. The attempts to live up to your "designated gender" through manly activities is not at all uncommon amongst trans women, it generally doesn't bring much comfort as you are finding. Secretive activities involving cross dressing, etc are not a sign of deviancy. Hope it works out for you.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Cheers

Grace

[JoanneB]

I fought hard to live up to being the Hollywood facade of a guy that I thought was expected of me for many many decades. I lost my soul, I lost my life taking "The easy route".  Taking on the Trans Beast is not easy.

I think it was well worth it

[synesthetic]

"Do whatever you have to do to be happy."
- Dan Howell

Thought that quote was relevant. Talking to a counselor may be very helpful; if you feel like you're in a place where talking about these feelings would be beneficial, then try to work past the fear and go for it.

Accepting the fact that you're anything other than cisgender is terrifying. It takes time to discover yourself, and you don't have to rush yourself into a label unless you feel like it. You're not a coward and in fact many of us go through the same thing.

Just ask yourself: what do I need to do to make my life the best I can? And go from there.

Best of luck. ((hugs and good vibes))

[Delyth]

I am going to make an appointment with the counselor and go from there. As mentioned, the counselor I've seen has been to provide me with assistance for anxiety and depressive issues. I don't know whether she has experience of people with gender issues. I am a bit worried about what type of reaction I might get if and when I speak up. I ask myself if it might be better trying to find a dedicated gender therapist. I live in quiet a large city, so I don't think it would be hard to find one.
Once I have spoken to a counselor. What is the process from there?

[LordKAT]

Usually a few sessions and if they agree with you and think you are ready, they will write a letter referring you for hormones. Meanwhile, they will guide you through the steps of coming out, dealing with people, work, etc.

[Ms Grace]

A lot of people worry about what their counsellor will say when they tell them, usually they have no problem and the counsellor is supportive. If she has no real experience with gender identity issues she might refer you to someone who does.

[Delyth]

When I speak to a counselor,  will they keep things inside the room until I am ready? I am scared enough. I need to deal with things at a level and pace I am comfortable with. I think I do need support though. I think I need to work through things with a counselor before coming out to family and the wider world. After discussing things with a counselor what is the next step?
It sounds stupid, but this afternoon I made a small step forward. I shaved off my body hair. I don't have the most masculine body, but I think I need to loose some weight. Is there a way I can loose weight without increasing testosterone in my body?

[Laura_7]

You might think about looking for a therapist who has gender on their list.
And you might simply talk to them, about what really moves you. Alone talking helps.
Its their job to keep it confidential, and you can take the time you need.

Being transgender was a huge plus in other cultures. We have an insight into male and female thinking patterns, which was highly sought after.

There is a brochure by the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" which might help... only part I would disagree with is page 7 where they state stress... for many its a huge relief....

well you could start with easy reversible steps if really unsure... growing your hair out, looking for some womens clothes, like some trousers etc... second hand stores could be a source... some womens accessoires which remind you of femininity... I'd say go with a feeling of joy...

for losing a bit of weight you could think about a more vegetarian diet, and cutting on high sugar drinks... more fruits and vegetables, maybe more tea and water... and a bit of exercise like swimming, walking or biking, without overdoing it... maybe half an hour a day, a few days a week.

[ChiGirl]

Hi, Delyth.  It sounds like your on the right path.  Ask your therapist if they have any experience with transgender clients.  That might be an easier way to approach it than flat out saying it.  And if they're totally clueless why you're asking, you know to move on.  If they're receptive, then go from there.

Any good therapist will keep anything you say in that room.  It's part of their job.  If you have any concerns your information might not be kept quiet, then get out of there.

It's sad that matter how hard we try, those feelings never go away.  It's wonderful that you can accept them.  And I was surprised how supportive most people have been.  Good luck and hugs! Remember you are not alone.

[kellypatrick]

Dyleth, We are very much alike. I played football and baseball to hide my self. I joined the army to hide myself. I was miserable most of the time  because I was not being true to my self . I had attempted suicide multiple times and failed Last year i decided it was enough left my girlfriend and came out on facebook to  my friends and family and tried to live as kelly. I once again tried to commit suicide but a friend saved my life. I was living at a VA facility for rehab and homelessnesss for 11 months. I am now in my own apartment, have a 2015 hyundai and the happiest I have ever been. Be true to your self Girl!!!!!!

[Delyth]

Thank you girls for your nice words. I actually feel better for reading your comments. I've been doing some thinking and have decided I am going to speak to a therapist specialising in gender issues. I live in a major city and there are a few. I am looking to make some phone calls in the coming days. I will attend an appointment and then go from there. Wish me luck.

[adrian]

Hey Delyth,

I managed to bottle up everything for 38 years, so you're still a few years ahead of me .

I was already seeing a therapist for issues not relating to gender when I figured out I was trans*. I decided to continue working with him but contacted a gender specialist to see if I was "missing out" on anything by not working with a specialist, and to make sure I had a back-up plan if I needed to switch therapists in the future.

I'd say if you trust your current therapist and have a feeling they can help you with the depression and anxiety, try to figure out with them if they are willing to work with you for at least part of the way. It is possible that your anxiety and depression are related to the gender dysphoria. But you may still need support to deal with them throughout your transition, so if your current therapist is helpful in that department this might be a reason to stick with them.