I do these posts to maybe help someone else .. I am no expert on being full time still in training but want to post my thoughts and experiences .. or at least the ones that stand out to me.
I don't know why but I still feel like the body builder dude I used to be and think I am way to big in the shoulders:
Body dimensions.. I am 5-6 but big boned although hands and feet small.. wear a size 9 womens shoes..
My hips are 45" and my shoulder all the way around is 47" I am thick.. My width at shoulders is 18"
I have a long back and shorter legs ..my back is so long that in a car I sit up pretty high..
If I am sitting down people think I am tall.
Ok. the reason I mention all this is that sometimes we over worry about things that we shouldn't and I am really good at that.
My wife is only 5-2" and is only 115 lbs and she is 17" wide at shoulders.. she is 39 Inches around.. so I am only 8" bigger around at shoulders but much taller.
She is 37" at waist ..
No matter how many times I tell my therapist I am to big she says I am not.. no matter how many times people tell me I have a good build and look ok I don't believe it.
Keep in mind I used to have 18" arms now I have 12" arms.
So the whole point to the above is when I am out full time I feel I am to dang big.. I hope I get over it one day,
My daughter says I have a figure like her baby sitter and she is cute.. so whatever.. I am doomed I think to never be happy with it.
My therapist thinks i have body dysmorphia or something like that and is working with me on it.
Anyway,
This weekend we had a party... The other girls said they think I am an alien no one could change that much in just over a year..
I heard the word bi&*&*th several times because we were comparing DL pics and I said I hated mine but turns out mine was better than all of theirs..ooops!
We danced all night..
When I was standing in the kitchen with some of the girls and three dudes I pulled my hair over one ear and did something I have no idea what but it was a head movement and look and they were like.. who she is learning how to get the boys attn... and I was like what?? What did I do?.. Anyway one of the guys said I was hot.. super hot and I was like no I am not....then one of the girls said own it b*(*&*th you are.. I hate you .. I know she did not mean it just being funny.
So some more experiences.
I go to the pharmacy at Sam's club.. all the girls know I am trans.. and always want to talk.
Shawna one of the techs said she had a dream that I would take my hair and throw it over my shoulder... and she woke up and thought it was funny because girls don't do that like a model or something.. So when I saw her I did it and she busted out laughing..
I told her I felt fat that day turned sideways and said do I look to big.. and she was like no way but your butt cheeks are looking more like mine.
To be honest I kinda stick out in public.. in a good way but its so weird.. guys stare a lot.. and of course first thing I think is they clocked me.
Thats about it.. except I am getting lazy.. as a chick.. not sure why I can hardly get out of bed sometimes and feel so female. I just totally chicked out....
Sometimes I am so happy and sometimes I feel depressed.. hormones?
My wife and I see our divorce attorney Friday.. but we spend time together every day and all weekend.. its just that she likes guys and I do to now.. ugh! Can't believe I admit that ..
My wife did my nails last night.. we do the gel thing that hardens under a light.. I did a really nice red that sparkles.. so pretty. She went with flat red this time.
I started a female facebook page.. already getting friend requests.. I have a whole new bunch of friends.. which makes transition so much more worth it. I have more friends now than before I did it.....
Well I know its just a big ramble but I just like to chat....
I have absolutely no regrets for transition... but sometimes miss the easy dude life.
I am trying to take my own advise and just enjoy the ride... but sometimes its hard. I know it will get better with time..
Love the day... girls.. enjoy being alive... look for the positive possibilities in the future you will have..
You see, when I started to transition I thought I had six months to live because I planned to kill myself after that... so life was just one big party one last moment in time..
So glad to be here, so much to live for.. life is a gift.. enjoy it ok??
Dodie
