I don't know where to really begin. I'm sure you all have the same problems so I guess that's why I'm turning here. I'm looking for help. I'm in a dark place. ( not my first time on Susans, just a different account )
About six months ago I was living on the west coast and began HRT (MtF) on informed consent. I was so excited, I finally was taking the first step. I had so much to worry about but I didn't care because I was finally starting. Nothing else mattered. A few weeks later my parents moved to the midwest. Because I am only nineteen and wouldn't be able to support myself, I had to go with them. So here I am, trapped in the Midwest, and I've run out of hormones.
My family doesn't know that I began HRT, or that I am even trans. I didn't tell them because they are ultra-religious conservatives who would verbally (maybe even physically) harass me and kick me out if I ever told them. My plan was to keep taking HRT up until the point where I started to raise eyebrows around my family, then I'd just leave. The problem is, now I'm 2,000 miles away from the place I can get hormones at and I have no way of getting back to get more. I can't get them here because I don't have a drivers license, so I can't see a therapist, go to a doctor, anything like that. I am trapped in a "9-5" type job (that pays minimum wage) and I just feel so lifeless. The constant "wake up, work, go home, think about transition but never do it, go to bed, repeat" grind that I have done for the last six months has pushed me to my breaking point. There hasn't been a day in the last month at least I haven't thought about suicide. A hotline isn't going to be able to help me. I know what my problems are but I have no way of fixing them.
I could leave home, hop on a plane and go see the endo that gave me hormones and start back up, but then what? I'd be homeless without a car, without a license, no friends, family. Nothing. Getting my license doesn't help me because even if I get a car and all that, I still have no therapist out here in the midwest. Finding a trans-friendly therapist out here is darn near impossible, and even if I did, it would take months and months that I don't have. I can't do this anymore. I look my family in the eye every day and feel so fake, empty, and lost. I just feel like I have nowhere to turn to. I know that there isn't much anyone on here can really do, the power of a keyboard goes only so far, but I just need some advice. Someone to talk to. A plan. Something. I don't know. This just isn't working anymore.
