What a wave. (tw: dysphoria)

[PoeticHeart]

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been away for sometime now. School, life... the usual suspects.

At any rate, I noticed myself floating around in weird gender land today and thought I should come here to let loose some thoughts. As of late, my dysphoria has been in a undecided, unintelligible space flight. That's literally the only words I have for it. It drives me crazy because on so many occasions it seems so elusive and I can't even begin to apply my self care techniques because I can't figure it out. It shifts and changes at rates that surprise me and leave me unbalanced for days.

Today, I had serious pregnancy/maternal dysphoria. Like... even if I had a uterus capable of carrying a child, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to bear a child. But it's the fact of not even having one that is creating issues for me. I think because that... internaility if you will is such a huge signifier of woman hood for me. (Not saying that makes you a woman... just saying that's what woman hood means to me). I've seen mothers with their children and I almost cried because it's just like... I don't know. I want to someday have children but I feel like this old transgender/queer life I lead may not have room for children. I want to make sure my transition is complete before I even take on a child so I can provide for them to the best of my ability. I'm afraid by that point I may be too old and that ship will have long since sailed.

I'm just a hot mess ladies. Please forgive me.

[suzifrommd]

Would it help to feel sisterhood with the millions of other women, most of them cis, who are also incapable of conception?

[Wild Flower]

I been there. I decided if children come I want them in an ideal situation, but I doubt Ill have them because Im not going to bring them into a miserable life. Athough if I had a good career then its doable.... do they need to be mine? I hope so.... do they need to be my husband (maybe Ill marry a transman... who can still provide or frooze his eggs)....

I give myself up to age 45 to have a child.... after that my boat is going on.

My "biological" clock tick hard a month or two ago.... it was bizarre but I wanted children badly seeing women my age having them left and right.


Cute avatar.... I think of Ursula as trans friendly being that shes a diva changing bodies to conform to what the person feels he or she is.

[PoeticHeart]

@suzifrommd: I often try that approach. It is sometimes helpful to recognize that there are millions of women who struggle with this exact issue. However, it remains an issue. That connection is... soothing, but I'm not sure it addresses underlying causes. Certainly valuable insight, thank you.

@wildflower: I could probably write my dissertation on the ways in which Ursula queers gender, but that's a conversation for another day/thread.