still in hiding

[michelle82]

I'm still early in my transition. Counting from the day I decided I was going to do this (about 6 months ago), in which i started growing out my hair, and had about 5 laser sessions since then. I've come out to close family and some coworkers, but I'm still very much in hiding. I don't leave the house and do things presenting as female yet, because i feel i still very much look like a male. I also start HRT in about two weeks.

how long did you stay in hiding before you starting presenting female in public? And how much time on HRT did you have before decided to go out and do typically day to day stuff. I feel growing out my hair to a typical female length is important to my presentation, which can take atleast a few years, especially if you have curly hair like me!! I also feel like removing all traces of beard shadow is important as well (again atleast a year to a 18 months depending on the person?)

I'm kind of very impatient when it comes to waiting for things I want. But i also don't want to make a fool out of myself doing things to early.

[V M]

Everyone goes at their own pace, when you feel comfortable to present in public is up to you

[IAmDariaQuinn]

I'm not even anywhere near where you are, Michelle.  Some of us are still hiding, not sure of where to go, or even if to go.  Not everyone who is trans transitions.  I'm mostly what I'd call "a girl in my own head" at the moment, but I spend a lot more time being Daria now, talking with friends and whatnot online.  I'm even in the beginning stages of a relationship, now, as Daria, with someone who is very aware of my situation and has been incredibly supportive of me so far.  What's important is that you feel more comfortable with who you are as you go along.  You'll hear this a lot, everyone transitions differently.  It's because it's true.  There's no real road map, just what feels right for you as you go along.

Good luck to you, and glad to see you around, Michelle

[Ellesmira the Duck]

It really depends on how you feel, trust your instincts on when you feel like the time is right. I personally was very hesitant. Though getting further away from my home helped boost my confidence, less likely to bump into people you might know me. It started small, some of my friends threw me a coming out party so I dressed for that...just before that I went to a therapy session presenting female but damn if I didn't almost sprint to the building when I was out IG my car. I was out for maybe 6 months and on hormones for 3 when I decided to make the push.   I'm not sure how well I passed, every time I look back at old pictures I feel like there's no way I was passing but at the time I thought I looked nice. Your situation can go a long way to change your speed. I was very lucky to have people supporting me, that helped it sped things up a lot. Starting the coming out process is for me was one of the hardest parts, after that just keep pushing forward and make a little more progress each day. Sounds like you've made a good start so far.

[antonia]

Everyone is different and has a different approach, just do what suits you.

First I came out to my partner, then started going to a local trans support/social club dressed, about 2-3 months after I came out to everyone, did a power point presentation for the whole company where I work about what it is to be trans, went full time and started hormones after going full time.

Basically there is no right/wrong time, you can do it as early or as late as you want, there are pros/cons to each strategy.

[michelle82]

Right i understand that everyone's approach is different. I ask for opinions and A few family members have told me i still look masculine in my face so thats probably hurting my confidence.

Im hoping that once my hair grows out to typical female length and i remove all traces of beard shadow it will go along way in helping my confidence. At which point ill likely be about 6 months on HRT.

[antonia]

Honestly, if you don't mind putting in the makeup work every morning you can hide all/any shadow and contouring can do wonders for the apparent shape.

Hair just takes time but you can still make do with short hair if you don't mind doing some work and learning some tricks, for example:



Not saying this is my every day look but shows what can be done with some work.

Right i understand that everyone's approach is different. I ask for opinions and A few family members have told me i still look masculine in my face so thats probably hurting my confidence.

Im hoping that once my hair grows out to typical female length and i remove all traces of beard shadow it will go along way in helping my confidence. At which point ill likely be about 6 months on HRT.

[suzifrommd]

I went out in public right away. There was no hiding period for me. I certainly wasn't going to wait for HRT to do its work (who knows how long that would take) or for facial hair removal (I'm full time for more than a year and a half and still working on it). I needed to be who I am, and I was willing to have a period of being non-passable to achieve that. In fact, thanks to a wig upgrade, I achieved satisfactory passability only a month or two into being full time.

As has been said, beard shadow is not an issue. A good foundation covers it.

[michelle82]

Honestly, if you don't mind putting in the makeup work every morning you can hide all/any shadow and contouring can do wonders for the apparent shape.

Hair just takes time but you can still make do with short hair if you don't mind doing some work and learning some tricks, for example:



Not saying this is my every day look but shows what can be done with some work.

Wow Antonia you look great girly, is that your natural hair or a wig? My curly hair is very unruly and i don't quite have enough length yet to cover my forehead like you can!

Also my problem with foundation is i have sensitive skin and alway breakout with cystic acne even with the non-comedogenic foundations. Hopefully HRT might help a bit with that though!!

My other dilemma with going out in public is in afraid of running into a
Coworker because I'm not Completely out at work.

So i get myself worked up over all these different worries but then if i go out in male drab i feel angry and sad for not being true to myself. Its a nasty cycle!!

[michelle82]

That's just my hair, I got rid of my wig really early, probably too early but honestly I just wanted to get it done.

I've got some friends that have very curly hair, some use a flat iron to straighten it, some just wait until it grows but that can take a while.

The HRT really should help a lot with Acne.

I'm lucky that I live in a pretty big city so it's easy to get lost in the crowds, just started going out as myself, interestingly I've not yet had a talk with my landlord about this but he has not said anything either, guess we're both silently smiling

Do what ever feels right for you and do things in which ever order works for you, there is no right or wrong and everyones situation is different.

Thanks for the info and ideas! I never heard of that drug but starting hrt gives me hope that at least my complexion will clear up if nothing else happens! I'd love to be able to wear foundations and concealers without breaking out in acne!! Ugh adult acne stinks!!

I did use a flat iron when my hair used to be long (I kick myself for cutting it now!!!) However the flat iron kinda ruined my hair because I used it too much, so this time around I plan to just work with my curls even though it's painfully slowly growing it out

I do kinda of dress somewhat feminine now to kind of ease my way into things. But as others have said sometimes an androgynous look or on the fence with presentation draws more attention to you than being either typical male or female.  I'm trying to avoid the "guy in a dress" appearance.

[AnonyMs]

HRT should clear up acne, I'm pretty sure its related to testosterone.

[awilliams1701]

I accidentally partially outed myself before I started HRT. Usually I closed the windows when I was in girl mode, but one day I missed one. I said you know what? Screw it! I don't know if anyone saw me or not.
The next day I said you know what. Lets just go for broke. I've been out ever since and it was awesome. Yes I've had some people judge me, but mostly I've had people accept me as I am. Its been a pretty amazing journey for me so far. It has caused issues with some of my sisters unfortunately. But living my life as myself without hiding? Its freaking awesome.

[Devlyn]

Might want to read this: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,19242.0.html

Hugs, Devlyn

[antonia]

I was not aware that discussing medications in the context of other things than HRT was not allowed and I would never endorse the usage of such things or HRT without medical supervision, I have therefor deleted previous messages.

[Emileeeee]

I came out to a couple close friends and every once in awhile I test the waters by dropping hints elsewhere. I still plan to do the part time androgynous thing until I "hopefully" start getting "mis"gendered in male mode. I'm full time at home though and I always smell like a woman when I leave the house. Nobody's ever said anything.

[Ltl89]

I think the key is to go at your own pace as different people with feel comfortable at different speeds.  I've been going slowly and cintinue to move that way which seems rare for those around d my age group. So, there is no shame doing this however you see fit.  The only thing I would warn you is that its easy to say you weren't ready and that you need more time when really you are just putting yourself behind out of fear of moving forward.  Its hard to tell the two apart, but its totally different.  Take as much time as you need, just don't hold yourself back cause of fear.  I warn you of this as my transition has gone at a slower pace for both reasons and don't want to see others make the same mistakes I made.  When you feel lime you are making excuses or justifying your pace rather than explaining it, that's when you know you are letting fear get to you and impact your progress, at least that's what I've found.  But this is a hard thing and there is no need to rush yourself into something you aren't ready for as you need to be able to handle this all.  Just remember, sometimes you may think you can't handle something or aren't ready, but you really are.  Its hard to explain.

[Mariah]

Michelle it comes down to what you are comfortable with as to when and to what degree you decided to present as female outside the house. I happened to start presenting as female outside the house a few months before HRT, but I was also comfortable doing so and was ready. You need to move at what pace works for you. Some people start before hormones others wait a few years on hormones before doing so. You need to find that pace that works for you. Certainly this is where a good gender therapist and support group could help you out a lot. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

I'm still early in my transition. Counting from the day I decided I was going to do this (about 6 months ago), in which i started growing out my hair, and had about 5 laser sessions since then. I've come out to close family and some coworkers, but I'm still very much in hiding. I don't leave the house and do things presenting as female yet, because i feel i still very much look like a male. I also start HRT in about two weeks.

how long did you stay in hiding before you starting presenting female in public? And how much time on HRT did you have before decided to go out and do typically day to day stuff. I feel growing out my hair to a typical female length is important to my presentation, which can take atleast a few years, especially if you have curly hair like me!! I also feel like removing all traces of beard shadow is important as well (again atleast a year to a 18 months depending on the person?)

I'm kind of very impatient when it comes to waiting for things I want. But i also don't want to make a fool out of myself doing things to early.

[Beth Andrea]

I came out to myself, and about a month later I didn't recognize my face and body as "me."

Once I'd decided to begin the process, I started with "no more haircuts", earrings, and nail polish. These things took about 2 months to complete, and toward the end of that I started wearing Capri's and women's sandals outdoors. For shirts, I either wore "girlie" t-shirts (ie, fairie print, pegasus, etc) or regular shirts I'd got from the women's section at thrift stores.

I wore that style for many months, during which time I was taking herbs and doing the process to get on hrt, which happened about a year after I came out to myself. 6 months later my ex and I separated and within a day I'd chucked all my man-clothes and started introducing myself as Beth.

But...everyone's journey is different. Do things when you feel ready for them; you'll know when that is. And take it slow, or at least deliberate in your choices. Enjoy the process, savor each step of the way!

[michelle82]

@learningtolive - Thanks, i agree that fear can play into this and prevent me from moving forward. I'm sure part of it is fear driven for me now. However i think realistically there is a lot more I can work on.

@mariah2014 - I think i have yet to find a pace that works for me haha. I'm like super anxious to go out and show the world Michelle, but I'm also super hesitant!! When i planned out my transition initially, i said i wanted atleast 18 months to two years before going full-time.

i think i need to get back into therapy, I've been out of it for a few weeks because my therapist is on medical leave. so I'm sort of lost right now 

[Wild Flower]

Im in hiding. Been hiding all my life.