Part of being a girl in a boys body

[Larisa]

I was thinking about this the other day how if I didnt have a mind, a brain that was very much girl unlike guy, I wouldnt be myself. That is a part of me. Even to those who call me by my boy name at birth, those people without know me if the girl was taken out of me when even if they dont know Im a girl down inside, they still see how I react, talk and who I am. Id be not myself if I tried to be a boy all day feeling like Im just playing a part and when I play that part, you feel fake as for me I dont have that innate part of being a boy inside.

For me, I have to have like my mom, or my boss who she is also a good friend tell me this is how you deal with a guy who I can't relate on often and Im like you know them better than I do. It's not a thing like I like girls, not guys. It's working with them, it's relating to them and it's having guy friends. Im better than I used to be to this day because of who I am, I feel disconnected from guys unlike girls. Being around girls and guys is a very much different feeling. With guys, I feel solo like I feel disconnected from guys. I feel like Im on my own.

Im independent and Ive always been very independent minded but with guys, I feel below them sometimes and sometimes not but I feel like I dont belong. It's a feeling of fake and it makes me feel so distant that Im like, this is stupid. I could friendly tease a guy calling him tinkerbell and he deep down does NOT want to be tinkerbell or anything girl. That same guy could tease me about maybe I should have highlights and long long straight hair. Now I deep down, ya Ive always wanted highlights and long straight hair that is beautiful. So that guy thinks Im teased but Im not and Im depressed either. Im amused how he thinks it would bug me but it doesnt. It's a strange feeling of disconnect but ya.

So ya that innate feeling, it's worse when you look, sound, smell and the whole thing. They think your a guy and so treat you like a guy. They think nothing different not even thinking oh he's happy being a guy. Nothing, nobody thinks about it. Me, it's just one big acting job and me doing it the best I can for many many personal reasons within me, no one elses influence. The acting however falls apart more and more since playing the guy Id say is 75% or around their fake and only 25 is real. The girl comes out more and more since trying to hide your true self becomes harder and harder all the time.

When your around girls, my mind flips where now it's the feeling of I want to be you. It's so odd but I actually dont feel so disconnected. I get you, I relate to you, understand like you and it's innate to you. It's one thing, my body is not matching my brain and Ive always thought of myself as Id be a tomboy.

I dont know where else Im going with this all but Im glad to get some of this out of me. The above, you can't fake this what I wrote unless you know what it's like to be transgender proving all those people who insult transgender people are ignorant again. I went to sleep kinda teared up last night at how cruel so many can be just because they dont understand. It gets me bad sometimes and I just dont get it. I didnt ask to be in the situation I have and I dont understand why I should be insulted for something that was NOT my choice. Im a person to.

[VeronicaLynn]

I can relate is most ways to this. My only real differences are that, around girls my mind flips back and forth between I want to be you and I want to sleep with you, and with guys it's just always I'm not interested in anything you have to say, will you please go away...

[katrinaw]

I was thinking about this the other day how if I didnt have a mind, a brain that was very much girl unlike guy, I wouldnt be myself. That is a part of me. Even to those who call me by my boy name at birth, those people without know me if the girl was taken out of me when even if they dont know Im a girl down inside, they still see how I react, talk and who I am. Id be not myself if I tried to be a boy all day feeling like Im just playing a part and when I play that part, you feel fake as for me I dont have that innate part of being a boy inside.

For me, I have to have like my mom, or my boss who she is also a good friend tell me this is how you deal with a guy who I can't relate on often and Im like you know them better than I do. It's not a thing like I like girls, not guys. It's working with them, it's relating to them and it's having guy friends. Im better than I used to be to this day because of who I am, I feel disconnected from guys unlike girls. Being around girls and guys is a very much different feeling. With guys, I feel solo like I feel disconnected from guys. I feel like Im on my own.

Im independent and Ive always been very independent minded but with guys, I feel below them sometimes and sometimes not but I feel like I dont belong. It's a feeling of fake and it makes me feel so distant that Im like, this is stupid. I could friendly tease a guy calling him tinkerbell and he deep down does NOT want to be tinkerbell or anything girl. That same guy could tease me about maybe I should have highlights and long long straight hair. Now I deep down, ya Ive always wanted highlights and long straight hair that is beautiful. So that guy thinks Im teased but Im not and Im depressed either. Im amused how he thinks it would bug me but it doesnt. It's a strange feeling of disconnect but ya.

So ya that innate feeling, it's worse when you look, sound, smell and the whole thing. They think your a guy and so treat you like a guy. They think nothing different not even thinking oh he's happy being a guy. Nothing, nobody thinks about it. Me, it's just one big acting job and me doing it the best I can for many many personal reasons within me, no one elses influence. The acting however falls apart more and more since playing the guy Id say is 75% or around their fake and only 25 is real. The girl comes out more and more since trying to hide your true self becomes harder and harder all the time.

When your around girls, my mind flips where now it's the feeling of I want to be you. It's so odd but I actually dont feel so disconnected. I get you, I relate to you, understand like you and it's innate to you. It's one thing, my body is not matching my brain and Ive always thought of myself as Id be a tomboy.

I dont know where else Im going with this all but Im glad to get some of this out of me. The above, you can't fake this what I wrote unless you know what it's like to be transgender proving all those people who insult transgender people are ignorant again. I went to sleep kinda teared up last night at how cruel so many can be just because they dont understand. It gets me bad sometimes and I just dont get it. I didnt ask to be in the situation I have and I dont understand why I should be insulted for something that was NOT my choice. Im a person to.

I think I can certainly relate to a lot of this, especially the detached and not really a "Guy with guys"... I have certainly had to pretend, but when it came to the "boozy drinks after work" and the Sexist Jokes I found myself becoming distant from them, and of course they then ignored me to a degree, despite whether I ranked higher than them or not.

I used to hate my parents for getting it wrong, how could they dress me like a boy and give me a boys name, then I found out that there was a difference, I was horrified, trying to figure out how I could remove the bits that stop me from being a girl... I hated being a boy, then later when I had to, no choices back then, I pretended, and did the "right thing", getting married and having kids, but always going into semi depressed states, but not to dark places. But I do remembering crying a lot about what I had been dealt, then later crying when I found out that I could have changed!

I can relate is most ways to this. My only real differences are that, around girls my mind flips back and forth between I want to be you and I want to sleep with you, and with guys it's just always I'm not interested in anything you have to say, will you please go away...

For me, in girl company, its mostly been 'I want to be like you, so much, you have no idea how much'

L Katy 

[sam1234]

I went the other way, boy in a girl's body, but the idea is much the same. I dressed like a guy, even at school, and if a school function meant wearing girl's clothing, I simply wouldn't go. I dropped out of the orchestra because I had to wear a dress at concerts.

I felt like a guy, but at the time didn't know a person could transition. Sometimes I would find myself liking a guy, and then realize that I liked them as friends. It was confusing. If someone made a comment like "here comes the quarter back" or "doesn't she know she's a girl?", I would find those comments flattering even though they were supposed to be insults.

I think the worst part was when I hit fifth grade, all the guys I had been friends with in elementary school suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. The gym locker room was humiliating and I slowly withdrew. Even without knowing that transitioning could be done, I still knew I was in the wrong body.

sam1234