Hi, so I promise that I will try not ramble but I think I have to write writing everything out,so here goes.
I am Renata, hi
So my story is probably not that unique, I don't think I am that unique of a snowflake.
My birth certificate says Male, but I think I have known that was wrong probably as early as 6. I grew up in a relatively strict religious home, where my father repeatedly would threaten me to not show the least bit of feminine nature. When I was in middle school I had started to steal my mom's clothes, I don't have a sister so that was my only option. When I was caught I was pretty much threatened with beating and hospitalization so I lied to myself.
I would go to high school and I always wanted to be in groups with other girls, I couldn't relate to male students and let's just say as the fat kid, I was alone a lot.
I never even heard of the concept of transgender until I was in college, but even then since I was very religious I was told that it was wrong, I spent nights praying for forgiveness for hating my own body like I did. I kept thinking that I was wrong that all I needed to do was find someone that maybe if I started dating I would find my happiness there. I met my first girlfriend when I was 20 and we forced a very bad toxic relationship for years until I got away. I never shaved, keeping a long beard anything to hide the scared woman I was inside I was constantly alone and I feared that if I became friends with them they would sense what I thought was a wrongness within me. Undiagnosed depression led to poor health choices and weight gain
Thankfully I never got into drugs or too heavily into alcohol but I had a couple times I could have.
I lived in constant fear of my father until his death in 2010, even though we had stopped speaking his words still carried so much weight. I finally came out to my brother, but it was more of a "I think I might be" as I still kind of wanted to not jump in and admit everything even to myself
Right now over the winter I took the step and finally gave up on keeping it inside and I also finally have a real job, my depression kept me from keeping any meaningful employment and brings health coverage which is allowing me to seek out a therapist that I feel I need. I turn 34 this week and finally feel like I might have some motion towards healing.
But other things aside I am music lover, I am passionate about film and have a not small love of superheroes I think the secret identity thing always connected with me
But after my long rant hi nice to meet you and thanks for letting me share if you made it this far
