Weird feels about my "reference group" -- anyone else?

[Future_Tense_Spence]

Hi, all -- I lurk here on Susan's a lot, but this is one of the first threads I've started -- apologies if I was supposed to make a formal introduction first!  (I'm Spencer, a trans man living in MI.)

So, I've got my referral letter and am about to start T, but I'm having some weird feelings about it.  I've always been told how masculine I am -- the butch dyke that anyone could call at fifty paces -- but in those moments, people have always been speaking about my masculinity RELATIVE TO OTHER WOMEN.  Now that I've come out and socially transitioned, people have started to compare me to other men, which is great.  But I feel more insecure than ever, because relative to other men, I seem MORE FEMININE.  I tried to bring this up to my therapist, but she just waved her hand and told me I was being ridiculous.

Has anyone else ever felt this way -- worried that as their reference group changed, their relative masculinity/femininity had changed with it?  I'm almost afraid to start transition--if being seen as a man means being seen as effeminate, maybe I'll start T only to find that others read me as more masculine as a female-presenting person.  Am I just being stupid?  Does my inclination to make this about other people's reactions and not about my own perception of my body suggest that I'm not "really" trans?

Sorry for the long post -- thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Eveline]

Spence, I think one thing is the same with both guys and girls - your attitude is a huge part of how people perceive you.

Before I transitioned, I worked with many small, not-physically-masculine bosses over the years, who commanded respect due to their attitudes alone.

In two cases I'm thinking of, both had beautiful wives and made a lot of money in high tech. Their personalities and actions were what made them masculine more than anything.

Just another perspective...

[suzifrommd]

Yes, Spence, I've definitely had that feeling. In reverse of course, since I'm headed in the opposite direction you are.

But I've always prided myself on my "feminine" side. I'm nicer and more sensitive than almost any other male I know.

But entering the world of women, my niceness and sensitivity doesn't hold a candle to women who were wired to be mothers. I am in awe of the way it's second nature to them. They are the real thing. I just want to be that way, but I fall short a lot of the time.

This has NOTHING to do with whether or not you're trans. The fact that you're thinking of this is a sign you're trans. Cis people generally do not think about transition.

Here's the GOOD news: There is no femininity/masculinity requirement for transition, right? We are allowed to be whatever kind of man or woman feels right to us.

Transition is not a test. True there will be people who judge you. That's true no matter who you are. In the end, the only person you need to please is yourself. Anyone who doesn't like the way you are a man, well their opinion is unimportant. You're allowed to be you.

Does this help?

[sam1234]

Before I started HRT and transitioned, I was always the strongest "girl", the most aggressive and weight lifted a lot. If I was able to pass as a male, it would make me feel on top of the world.

After I transitioned, there were moments of realization where I would realize that compared to cis males, I was shorter, not as strong and didn't know all the inside male jokes. It seemed like i went from the top of the pile to the bottom as far as strength and size. I never fit in with females, but the fact that I was far more masculine made me feel good.

After a while, I realized that there were other guys who were as short as me and didn't have the heavy bone structure that I thought of when I thought of a regular guy. After that, the feeling started to come less and less. Now, after a couple of decades, I rarely get those feelings. Sure, I'd like to be taller and have a heavier muscular figure, but I've learned to like myself the way I am.

FYI, I used to look in on sites for transgenders but never sign up. It sounds like that was part of your process as well.

sam1234