feeling depressed and dissatisfied with transition...

[ana1111]

this has been happening to me a lot lately...it happened in the beginning too especially right before I got on hormones.. I have just been feeling really dissatisfied with the way my transition is... like I just feel like if I ever wanna look close to the way I want im gonna have to pay thousands and thousands and I will have to wait a long time probably...im only nineteen and started hormones at eighteen and been on them a year and still don't know that I pass fully...im pretty sure I got sired for the first time a couple weeks ago... I just constantly compare myself to others both cis women and transwomen and I always find stuff that makes me feel inferior... ive pretty much grown distant with all friends I had not because im trans but more just the situation...I don't feel anything in common with my family and I only really have my boy friend... and although I love him and enjoy his company I don't think he will ever get or understand how I feel being trans or know how to make me feel better...our relationship has other challenges too which make it not ideal but nonetheless he's the best thing right now..i don't have a job and im so afraid to get one assuming I could get one...everything I want that would make me feel more comfortable with myself and working at a job costs thousands and I guess would require me getting a job and feeling very uncomfortable.... anyways Im kinda drunk right now (don't know if im allowed to say that??) so if anythings incoherent that's why...but ya anyone else feel this way any advice??

[Beth Andrea]

*hugs*

Alcohol isn't the best thing when one is depressed (I say this with a rum and coke in my hand...).

Be patient with transition. Give it 2 years, at least. And you're young! OMG what I would give to transition at 19! (I'm 50, started when I was 47).

Passing? What's that? Transition is so much more than passing...But we have to transition. There are many here who started when they were younger (say, 20's and 30's), and then stopped...only to re-start when they were in their 40's or 50's. They all regret waiting iirc.

This is all a personal journey of course, but maybe do something that will cheer you up? Have your BF take you out to a movie, dinner, maybe a nail salon. Get a new hairstyle, or fluff up your current one.

Look in the mirror, make a list of a handful of things that you don't like. Keep it to a handful (think 5 or less) and ask "how can I improve this without surgery or alcohol?" Eyebrows can be thinned and shaped, skin can be moisturized, whiskers can be shaved baby-smooth (or get a laser treatment for $100ish).

*hugs*

[ana1111]

ya I realized that... that I have to transition and its not really a choice cause going back to being a "boy" would not help at all.. as far as the last part I do that all the time and im pretty sure theres not much more  I can do for under thousands... and that's what sucks cause im still not happy

[Jade_404]

Well, you look beautiful. You are an inspiration to me

-Jade

[Isabelle]

Hang in there. A year on hrt is nothing. Just keep your head down, work, save and keep on keeping on.

[ana1111]

keep head down?

[Jill F]

Thought for tomorrow:

My transition solved only one set of problems.  The rest of them remained. 

Big hugs (and an aspirin with plenty of fluids),
Jill

[Isabelle]

keep head down?

Sorry, it's an expression from my part of the world. It means to not worry about things and just focus on moving forward

[Squircle]

Hi Anna,

I've felt the same way at various points over the last year. Like you I compare myself to cis women, and when I do that I feel like there's this huge gap between me and them and that I'll never look how I want to. People tell me differently but I never seem to be able to just believe them and instead get hung up on any little negative thing. If I feel like someone has clocked me, my mind tends to fill in the supporting evidence so it becomes fact in my mind, even if that's not what happened at all.

The thing to bear in mind is that when you are feeling down, your thoughts are being distorted and everything seems worse than it is. It's easy at this point to let your thinking follow these spirals down further until you become convinced that things are hopeless. The truth is quite different; you are young and attractive, there's endless possibility in front of you.

If you want to take a step forward then start applying for jobs. There's nothing stopping you, apart from your own belief that you need thousands of dollars in treatment before you can work, which you don't. I transitioned in work so I was lucky to have supportive employers but I still hid myself away in the office and stopped going to work related social occasions etc. There's an artist in my industry who is pretty well known and does a lot of training DVDs and public talks, and I found out yesterday she has transitioned and is living and working full time as a woman. She has a new Dvd coming out and carried on being very visible throughout. It made me realise I have been creating barriers for myself and convincing myself that they had been put there by others.

Take care and feel free to message if you ever need to talk

[bibilinda]

Hi, Anna!

I have a few things in common with you:

-I also feel I'd need to spend dozens of thousands, mainly in surgery, just to get CLOSE to where I'd like to be.

-I get misgendered on occasion too, specially by people who knew me before transitioning. It's strange that most people seem to keep an "old picture" of one, from before, and just can't see the "new picture". But as I gain confidence, they are starting to not make such a mistake.

-I also make the mistake of comparing myself to cis women. There's no point really. One should compare mostly to oneself, before and after. If I was 51-38-40 (chest, waist, hips as a male bodybuilder at the end of my puberty) and now I am 43-33-42 (breasts, waist, hips), then that's what counts. Compared to MYSELF before transition, I am doing great. Compared to many super-lucky cis women who are naturally curvy , super-fem and delicate, I still look too different, but i have to compare to myself in the past, not to others with very different physical features than mine, from birth.

-Not only don't I have anything in common with my family, but they all have also distanced themselves from me since I told them I am trans. It seems this is a common story for maybe 80% or more of the trans population (just my personal estimation). So we have to grow a thick skin and get used to it. Some of them relatives will, in time, accept you or, at least, tolerate being with you. That's better than nothing!

-I don't have a job either. Since I haven't been able to do my legal name and identity change, I just can't apply for jobs "as a guy". I live with my parents currently, so I have to put up an act with them, then go out and be a different person, and all this takes a big psychological toll on me.

-I also have a supportive boyfriend that means the world to me, and without him, I'd have probably terminated myself by now. To him, I'm 100% a woman, in fact, more a woman than all cis ones he has ever  met. Talk about a vote of confidence! JUST FOR HIM I want to keep going on with my transition. If I know I am making one person real happy by being the real me, in spite of my non-supporting family and the occasional peanut-brained bigot, then I will keep at it!

*And now, ta daa,  the commentary and advice:*

First, if that picture is you, WOW. You'd have to be very tall (six feet even is my height) and have a big bone structure like me, in order to not pass with a face like that. And you actually look petite. But pictures are way different than reality, I know. Yet if someone looks like a female model in a picture, then in reality they shouldn't look too bad IMO.

As for advice, first, I have been almost six years HRT and almost five since orchi and t-shave, so evidently, I am not anywhere as young as you are. I started my HRT after my puberty had ended.

It has taken me all these years (and the highest dose of estrogen, for close to a year non-stop for the first time in my life), to FINALLY get self-acceptance, and care MORE about how I see myself than how others see me, and this confidence, strangely but surely, makes others accept you in the end, in case they have some doubts or issues with you at first sight.

So, the simple suggestion from me is this: LET ESTROGEN DO ITS JOB. If you're not there yet, start working towards getting the highest estrogen dose possible, a safe one of course, supervised by your endo and checking your blood work. I made the mistake of thinking that being post-op, after orchi, I should go to the lowest possible estradiol dose, and that really messed me up for several years. Now that I am at full dose, everything is different in my mind, and I also see changes in my body, that I didn't see before.

Also, instead of alcohol, why not try exercise and watching comedy or fun stuff to crack yourself up? I love doing the leg and butt Mike Chang workouts, they only take about 20 minutes, but I feel totally energized during and afterwards. Then I do one of those oldie stretching routines from Cindy Crawford, to warm down, it feels so nice!!! Then I play some nice/relaxing music, and then a nice shower, a little pampering of myself and now, looking and feeling good, maybe go to the convenience store or the mall or whatever, with a face naturally glowing... then back home, watch funny comedy stuff like Tosh.o or whatever stuff that cracks me up (American Dad is cool too, I love watching Roger's shenanigans).

Bottom line, for me the key things to finding self-acceptance (and thus getting social acceptance that I didn't have before, except my bigot family, but I am sure even they will accept me, in time) are all these:

--Estrogen, the fullest possible monitored dose you can handle.

--Exercise (Chang, oldie Cindy Crawford and aerobic dance workouts, anything fun and feminine, not too complicated, stressing the lower body) and listening to nice music, as opposed to alcohol and drugs.

--Listening to cool music, cracking myself up for whatever reason, and, in public, avoiding having a "resting bitch face", instead, at least a small grin, and whenever I hear something funny from the people I'm talking to, having a nice feminine smile or laugh. That helps way more than surgery or tons of makeup!!!

--Just recently I started taking SSRI medicine, for depression and social anxiety. It has worked fine for me, but everybody is different. I am also taking progesterone, half dose, daily, they say it also helps decrease depression, and it has actually helped my breasts grow a bit fuller.

I hope you had the time to read all this super-lengthy drivel, I rarely respond to stuff on here, but your situation seems somewhat similar to mine, so I wanted to share it with you!

Cheers

Bibi B.

this has been happening to me a lot lately...it happened in the beginning too especially right before I got on hormones.. I have just been feeling really dissatisfied with the way my transition is... like I just feel like if I ever wanna look close to the way I want im gonna have to pay thousands and thousands and I will have to wait a long time probably...im only nineteen and started hormones at eighteen and been on them a year and still don't know that I pass fully...im pretty sure I got sired for the first time a couple weeks ago... I just constantly compare myself to others both cis women and transwomen and I always find stuff that makes me feel inferior... ive pretty much grown distant with all friends I had not because im trans but more just the situation...I don't feel anything in common with my family and I only really have my boy friend... and although I love him and enjoy his company I don't think he will ever get or understand how I feel being trans or know how to make me feel better...our relationship has other challenges too which make it not ideal but nonetheless he's the best thing right now..i don't have a job and im so afraid to get one assuming I could get one...everything I want that would make me feel more comfortable with myself and working at a job costs thousands and I guess would require me getting a job and feeling very uncomfortable.... anyways Im kinda drunk right now (don't know if im allowed to say that??) so if anythings incoherent that's why...but ya anyone else feel this way any advice??

[Beverly]

Like you I compare myself to cis women, and when I do that I feel like there's this huge gap between me and them

I do this too, but I prefer to see ugly and overweight cis-women. It reminds me that not ALL women are  beauty queens and that I compete very well with many cis women eve though I am in my 50s

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi there Anna

As an older trans woman, I watch many very young women like yoursef obsessing needlessly over your progress, passability and other issues.  Almost all of us have days where we look in the mirror and think "Urgh!" - it's a woman thing, not a transitioning trans woman thing.  I also see people comparing themselves with catwalk models or the one or two gorgeous trans women who make a noise on television, and this is both unhealthy and unnecessary.  We should not set ourselves such goals nor allow the media to manipulate us with images of women who have been given the full Fotoshop treatment.   The truth is that you are probably extremely passable, and if you spent an hour on public transport you'd see lots of women who are faaaaaar less feminine than you are.  The trick here is that they see womanhood as their right whereas you still need to make that vital psychological step, not so?  When you do so you will see that society will treat you as you expect to be treated.

Another thing I strongly advise is not to isolate yourself socially.  While it's nice to have a boyfriend, make the effort to get out there with your friends, and make the effort with your family to find some type of workable livable relationship.  Don't think that one day you will magically transform and suddenly family and friends will just be there - you've got to make that effort now, for yourself!   Your life won't magically improve one day after SRS - life is a gradual process of learning, living and building - the effort is continuous and only you can make it.

I hope this makes sense?  How would you propose some positive actions to make these things realities?

Hugs
Julia

BTW, I'm having a bad hair day.  Yesterday I looked like a goddess; today I look like cr*p.  It's a girl thing.  Vogue is a magazine, not a reality.  Be kind to yourself! 

[ImagineKate]

I mean I could jump on the bandwagon and ask WHO is annabolton talking about when she says not passable? She's probably talking about me...

I dunno, every picture I've seen of you screams pass, as in you are a cis woman who is just messing with us, right?

That said, I totally get it.

People tell me I pass. My therapist says no issues whatsoever. I get male failed female victoried pretty often now, it's almost embarrassing as a (gay) guy at work didn't even recognize me this morning until I opened my mouth and said hi and many people at work now refer to me as "she" and "her" even when in male drag.

I'll always have some image issues. I'll never be happy with myself... Firstly all women do I think, secondly I have 36 years of male past and non-accepting people (who I thought were friends) who make me feel like $h**.

What can I say. You have your whole life ahead of you and you're looking pretty darned good!

And I agree, get out there and socialize. Big mistake I made when I got married (the first time) was to basically dump my social life in favor of married life... Very big mistake. But luckily I know how to make friends.

[April_TO]

Julia, thank you so much for reminding me that I shouldn't isolate myself socially. I've been seeing a pattern lately and it's causing me some anxiety that I am not as sociable as I was before. I guess I am dealing with shame, guilt and just avoiding people socially. However, I know deep inside this won't do me any good.

As for Anna, you are one of the prettiest girl I've seen in this community. Just like what everybody said  - you are young
and you have time on your side. I started my transition last year and I am already 34.

I understand where you are coming from as I have more days feeling depressed and frustrated  than feeling secured and confident about myself. Fortunately, I have this community, a wonderful therapist, an amazing support group and a sister that loves me so much and it makes a huge difference.

We need to stay strong and be confident of who we are. There's nothing to be ashamed about us - in fact we are unique, special and the most beautiful people that ever graced this world.

We love you!

April

Hi there Anna

As an older trans woman, I watch many very young women like yoursef obsessing needlessly over your progress, passability and other issues.  Almost all of us have days where we look in the mirror and think "Urgh!" - it's a woman thing, not a transitioning trans woman thing.  I also see people comparing themselves with catwalk models or the one or two gorgeous trans women who make a noise on television, and this is both unhealthy and unnecessary.  We should not set ourselves such goals nor allow the media to manipulate us with images of women who have been given the full Fotoshop treatment.   The truth is that you are probably extremely passable, and if you spent an hour on public transport you'd see lots of women who are faaaaaar less feminine than you are.  The trick here is that they see womanhood as their right whereas you still need to make that vital psychological step, not so?  When you do so you will see that society will treat you as you expect to be treated.

Another thing I strongly advise is not to isolate yourself socially.  While it's nice to have a boyfriend, make the effort to get out there with your friends, and make the effort with your family to find some type of workable livable relationship.  Don't think that one day you will magically transform and suddenly family and friends will just be there - you've got to make that effort now, for yourself!   Your life won't magically improve one day after SRS - life is a gradual process of learning, living and building - the effort is continuous and only you can make it.

I hope this makes sense?  How would you propose some positive actions to make these things realities?

Hugs
Julia

BTW, I'm having a bad hair day.  Yesterday I looked like a goddess; today I look like cr*p.  It's a girl thing.  Vogue is a magazine, not a reality.  Be kind to yourself! 

[Athena]

Possibly talk to your endo, maybe you need your dosages adjusted.

[ana1111]

im feeling a bit better today and I read all these messages and feel a lot better now... I think im probably comparing myself to people and pictures that aren't even real most likely... I should probably be more thankful and optimistic and I usually am but at times I think insecurity and dysphoria magnify's everything in your mind..i think I have a inferiority complex, low self esteem, and a black and white way of viewing myself and im very perfectionistic.. my parents finally have agreed to help pay for some therepy if it helps me get a job and feel better and more confident

[ana1111]

Hi, Anna!

I have a few things in common with you:

-I also feel I'd need to spend dozens of thousands, mainly in surgery, just to get CLOSE to where I'd like to be.

-I get misgendered on occasion too, specially by people who knew me before transitioning. It's strange that most people seem to keep an "old picture" of one, from before, and just can't see the "new picture". But as I gain confidence, they are starting to not make such a mistake.

-I also make the mistake of comparing myself to cis women. There's no point really. One should compare mostly to oneself, before and after. If I was 51-38-40 (chest, waist, hips as a male bodybuilder at the end of my puberty) and now I am 43-33-42 (breasts, waist, hips), then that's what counts. Compared to MYSELF before transition, I am doing great. Compared to many super-lucky cis women who are naturally curvy , super-fem and delicate, I still look too different, but i have to compare to myself in the past, not to others with very different physical features than mine, from birth.

-Not only don't I have anything in common with my family, but they all have also distanced themselves from me since I told them I am trans. It seems this is a common story for maybe 80% or more of the trans population (just my personal estimation). So we have to grow a thick skin and get used to it. Some of them relatives will, in time, accept you or, at least, tolerate being with you. That's better than nothing!

-I don't have a job either. Since I haven't been able to do my legal name and identity change, I just can't apply for jobs "as a guy". I live with my parents currently, so I have to put up an act with them, then go out and be a different person, and all this takes a big psychological toll on me.

-I also have a supportive boyfriend that means the world to me, and without him, I'd have probably terminated myself by now. To him, I'm 100% a woman, in fact, more a woman than all cis ones he has ever  met. Talk about a vote of confidence! JUST FOR HIM I want to keep going on with my transition. If I know I am making one person real happy by being the real me, in spite of my non-supporting family and the occasional peanut-brained bigot, then I will keep at it!

*And now, ta daa,  the commentary and advice:*

First, if that picture is you, WOW. You'd have to be very tall (six feet even is my height) and have a big bone structure like me, in order to not pass with a face like that. And you actually look petite. But pictures are way different than reality, I know. Yet if someone looks like a female model in a picture, then in reality they shouldn't look too bad IMO.

As for advice, first, I have been almost six years HRT and almost five since orchi and t-shave, so evidently, I am not anywhere as young as you are. I started my HRT after my puberty had ended.

It has taken me all these years (and the highest dose of estrogen, for close to a year non-stop for the first time in my life), to FINALLY get self-acceptance, and care MORE about how I see myself than how others see me, and this confidence, strangely but surely, makes others accept you in the end, in case they have some doubts or issues with you at first sight.

So, the simple suggestion from me is this: LET ESTROGEN DO ITS JOB. If you're not there yet, start working towards getting the highest estrogen dose possible, a safe one of course, supervised by your endo and checking your blood work. I made the mistake of thinking that being post-op, after orchi, I should go to the lowest possible estradiol dose, and that really messed me up for several years. Now that I am at full dose, everything is different in my mind, and I also see changes in my body, that I didn't see before.

Also, instead of alcohol, why not try exercise and watching comedy or fun stuff to crack yourself up? I love doing the leg and butt Mike Chang workouts, they only take about 20 minutes, but I feel totally energized during and afterwards. Then I do one of those oldie stretching routines from Cindy Crawford, to warm down, it feels so nice!!! Then I play some nice/relaxing music, and then a nice shower, a little pampering of myself and now, looking and feeling good, maybe go to the convenience store or the mall or whatever, with a face naturally glowing... then back home, watch funny comedy stuff like Tosh.o or whatever stuff that cracks me up (American Dad is cool too, I love watching Roger's shenanigans).

Bottom line, for me the key things to finding self-acceptance (and thus getting social acceptance that I didn't have before, except my bigot family, but I am sure even they will accept me, in time) are all these:

--Estrogen, the fullest possible monitored dose you can handle.

--Exercise (Chang, oldie Cindy Crawford and aerobic dance workouts, anything fun and feminine, not too complicated, stressing the lower body) and listening to nice music, as opposed to alcohol and drugs.

--Listening to cool music, cracking myself up for whatever reason, and, in public, avoiding having a "resting bitch face", instead, at least a small grin, and whenever I hear something funny from the people I'm talking to, having a nice feminine smile or laugh. That helps way more than surgery or tons of makeup!!!

--Just recently I started taking SSRI medicine, for depression and social anxiety. It has worked fine for me, but everybody is different. I am also taking progesterone, half dose, daily, they say it also helps decrease depression, and it has actually helped my breasts grow a bit fuller.

I hope you had the time to read all this super-lengthy drivel, I rarely respond to stuff on here, but your situation seems somewhat similar to mine, so I wanted to share it with you!

Cheers

Bibi B.

wow you made me feel better and I appreciate it...I guess when I hear from others saying stuff like there family disowned or distanced themselves and stuff it just makes me feel blessed cause although my parents don't necessarily like or fully agree with my transition they have been way more supportive lately...paying for hormones and calling me anna and she and her and more...took years to get to that point though and they sucked and were horrible before...I guess I just feel nothing in common and feel weird around them..and im honest in saying I don't have any real in person friends anymore... I have a trans support group I go to occasionally and used to go all the time but I just don't feel much in common with them anymore and don't have any close friends there either... theres not really anywhere to go to make friends...I finished highschool, went to a "collage"(not really deserving of that term) for makeup artistry and finished that but didn't make many close friends cause I was even shyer and more uncomfortable with myself than now...I don't have a job and don't have a real license cause ive put it off cause the gender and name thing....im working on the name and gender marker change now though so I hope to have my license real soon.. basically ya what can I do about the social stuff lol

[Julia-Madrid]

im feeling a bit better today and I read all these messages and feel a lot better now... I think im probably comparing myself to people and pictures that aren't even real most likely... I should probably be more thankful and optimistic and I usually am but at times I think insecurity and dysphoria magnify's everything in your mind..i think I have a inferiority complex, low self esteem, and a black and white way of viewing myself and im very perfectionistic.. my parents finally have agreed to help pay for some therepy if it helps me get a job and feel better and more confident

Hey Anna, this is some good news - I'm a great fan of therapy to help with specific issues.  Be kind to yourself, and measure yourself against yourself and not against others.  During our transition we so often focus on the deficits - the things we don't have - rather than the things we do have.  I don't have big breasts, buuuuut finally, after 20 years of wishing, I've now got small ones. What a great gift, and what a brilliant gift that you and I live in a society where we can transition and where the technology exists fix the stuff that nature got a bit wrong.  That's how I try to see the world.     

xxx
J

[Wild Flower]

I dont know. Alcohol dumbs you down but then makes thoughts seem more powerful.... I do this to cry... then ill be better.