Good evening!
I'm Handkerchief (yup, it's silly, but I wanted something absolutely gender-neutral since I pretty much don't know what on earth I am right now), fifteen years old, biologically female and from Germany. The last fact explains that my English may sound a little off sometimes, even though I've been learning the language since I was six and pretty much think in English now because of all the exposure to the language I get from media and American friends, I'm still not a native. Bear any grammar that sounds as if Yoda taught me how to speak with me!
I, as stated above, am a bit totally at loss about my gender identity and my sexuality right now. I have been born female (you guys call that FAAB, right?) and more or less never thought about my gender or sexuality until a couple of days ago. I sort of always assumed that I was cisgender and somehow asexual-straigt-ish with that little thing for girls going on. Doesn't seem to be the full truth, however.
The whole mess started with a haircut. I simply was tired of my hip-long hair and had it cut off into a pixie. No gender motivations here, just a young girl wanting to experiment with her style.
The first thing I discovered was that in hindsight, long hair made me look like Gollum. The second thing was that I have HUGE eyes. The third thing was that I look like a dude with a collared shirt now.
Whilst thing one and thing two definitely are shocking, thing tree kind of freaked me out, but it freaked me out because it didn't freak me out. It was weird. Two weeks after the haircut, I grabbed one of my collared shirts that I sometimes wore before I got my hair cut, got dressed, looked in the mirror, realised I looked like a guy, shrugged my shoulders and went to school.
That day was sort of amazing, in a weird way. Perhaps "weird" isn't the best word, "new" or "different" might fit it better. It was...exciting, almost. I moved a different way. I say down a different way. I even talked a different way, and people looked at me a different way. I have virtually zero curves (runs in the family, we are all stick-thin women that simply questioningly raise an eyebrow if girls talk about the backaches they get from their boobs), I wore no makeup that day and my pants were kind of wide, so I assumed that most people assumed that I was a guy.
And somehow, that felt...Right. At least, it could have felt right. I don't know.
What I definitely know is that I can't stop thinking about the whole guy-girl-somethinginthemiddle-thing now. The simple sentence "I am a girl" isn't simple anymore. At the same time, the only slightly more complicated sentence "I am a FtM transgender" isn't simple too. I don't know who I am anymore.
I started fantasising about me being a guy. I suddenly discovered that I definitely have some sort of attraction going on with girls-I always liked the way girls look, move, act, but never had a crush on a girl. I definitely had a crush on a guy once, but now, I can't bring myself to finding any guy even remotely attractive at all anymore. Instead, I kind of developed a little crush (at least, it could e a crush, I never really have crushes normally) on a female celebrity.
The situation is complicated because I definitely do have fantasies about brig a guy and there are moments when I want to be male and actually feel male, but then, at the same time, there are moments when this isn't the case. I never really felt female in the sense of "housewife, pink, and fairies" but after all, that's not how most women feel female, yet they are women nonetheless. I always had a lot of guyfriends and felt more connected with them than with most girls, I always displayed non-female behaviour, so there are some signs for eventual ->-bleeped-<- present.
I really need to think about who I am- a cisgender female "going through a phase"? A FtM transgender? Am I bisexual? Am I only attracted to girls? Is my male side only attracted to girls, and my female side only to boys? How does that whole mess even make sense?
Well, after I wrote this novel, I'll go to sleep now and think a little about these questions. Hopefully, I will find support here on my quest to answering them :-).
Gold night!
