I hesitated a few times before posting this, then I thought which board I should post it in, but since some of the points below are somewhat general, I thought this might be the best place to share it.
So as I have shared in my earlier posts, I have been talking to a therapist for the last 2 months or so, meeting for about an hour almost every week. It is covered by my employer, and she knows a lot of other people at my workplace but is obviously discreet about whatever we discuss. She does not specialize in gender issues, but has still been helpful so far. She also referred me to a psychiatrist a few weeks back but I only met him for about 30 minutes before he said that I do not seem to have any 'problems' as such, so I didn't see any point in meeting him further. As far as I know, both of them are not directly in touch with anyone specializing in gender issues, or any trans friendly doctors/endos etc. At least with the therapist, I have been fairly open about looking for an endo so that I can be prepared to start HRT whenever I decide, but she hasn't ever said that she knows anyone who could help. In fact, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I even had to explain to her about HRT and how some people end up self-medicating.
More importantly, a couple of other issues have recently cropped up. Firstly, I decided that instead of just cribbing about how there is no support (at least openly or 'officially') for LGBTIQ folks at my workplace, I can do something to change that, so I've started talking to a few people to start some sort of group for this purpose. Since there is a growing awareness of such issues here anyway, it is possible for me to present as just an 'ally' for now. Since the therapist is also related to my workplace, she has also been involved in this, and we have a few other allies already. But now, our conversations sometimes mix up (mostly my fault) what we are doing for this group with what we are supposed to talk about in the therapy sessions. I think it might be better to therefore limit our conversations to starting the group and getting it going instead of mixing things up.
I am also a little worried about making this group thing look like my initiative or drawing too much attention to myself, since I am also experimenting a bit with my appearance and so people may start putting all of it together and asking questions about me.
Secondly, I am coming to the realization that I have mostly figured out who I am, what I can or cannot do at present, why I am this way, and how will I go about transitioning if/when I decide to do so. Some of the things which I am still trying to find out more about, I am doing it on my own anyway. I do get anxious about people finding out about me before I am ready to come out, or what may happen if I cannot transition, or what if I start down that path but decide to turn back, but again, I think I can answer those questions for myself now.
However, with the therapist, the recent conversations have been less about these anxieties and more about random stuff from my childhood or teenage etc about why I felt 'different' and what it meant to me, and the general sense that I get from her is that I am not opening up enough about my feelings.
The way I see it, I am naturally a shy person, plus I simply do not remember many things from early childhood (and I think my parents don't remember a lot of it either), plus I also do not like to discuss a lot of stuff out of respect for others involved. For example, there are certain things only between my wife and me which I will neither post here nor discuss with my therapist, and I don't think it is anybody's business. Or there are some things about being trans (or about sexuality or gender identity in general) which I did not even know, nor did my parents, and I think nor did most of the world in the 80s and 90s when I was growing up, so there is no point trying to remember things from that time or blaming myself or my parents or anyone else for it.
Despite all this, we end up discussing some of these futile points for too long and then we run out of time and I end up feeling like there was so much of other more important stuff to talk about. I don't think it's her fault or my fault or anything, but it's just not working for me anymore if I end up worrying about stuff at the end of these sessions rather than feeling good about it.
Lastly, I have also come across a psychiatrist specializing in gender issues who is from India but now based in Australia, but he is willing to do Skype chats and also give certification when required. I have heard about him from other trans people here too, so I know he's good. Whether he can directly put me in touch with an endo or not, I don't know yet, but we'll see about that.
I still think at the end of all this that I need someone to talk to about everything that I am going through. Talking to my wife isn't enough because she's often busy with her work too, and she's so directly and emotionally involved in our decision-making. I need an objective outside viewpoint, but I think instead of trying to get it from a therapist, I may need to find some friend who I can come out to. I don't think that is possible right now, but I just thought I'll ask for people's views here about stopping therapy at this stage when I am still pre-everything.
