Female Voice and Not Losing It When Speaking in Public

[Gabrielle_22]

I've been practicing my female voice for a while now, and I thought I'd finally gotten to an androgynous place where I had rewired my brain to go to that new, more feminine voice naturally rather than my deeper male voice. I was able to use the female voice on the phone with my best friend without too many issues, and so I thought I was getting somewhere. However, when I went before my undergrad students to teach today (I hadn't seen them for over a week because we just came back from spring break), I got nervous and reverted to my male voice. I tried during a video I showed them to get my voice back to how I'd had it before, that more feminine/andro range, but I couldn't.

Does anyone have any experience with stuff like this happening--practicing your voice at home, but then being unable to use it in public because of nervousnes? How do you get over it? And did any of you who started transitioning before you worked on your voice just start using your 'new' voice(s) in front others, or did you try to prep them for the new voice first?

I know this could go in the Voice forum, but since it's about some broader things to do with transitioning and public nervousness, I thought it might work here, too. I'll move the thread if I need to.

[Laura_7]

I'd say take your time... you were in a situation where you have been before with your other voice... so a slipping back is some kind of habit...
you could train a bit more with total strangers... like in everyday situations, while shopping etc...

and you could train the situation a bit at home... saying a few things you would say then... so you could get comfortable with the thought...

hugs

[Beverly]

Never ever use your male voice for anything. You need to get out of practice using it. If you have discomfort making the change then start with a more androgynous tone for a few days and gradually work your way up to your female range, but if you use that old male voice for 1 minute it will undo days of work.

After a month or two everything settles into place and all the muscles and such are accustomed to their new tension/positions. For me it has been 3 years and if I try to get done to my male range it hurts my throat and I lack all chest resonance so I sound like a woman imitating a man - which suits me just fine.

[michelle82]

This happens to me too. A little bit of it is nerves and sometimes i just forget and i naturally drift back to a deep voice. Its pretty frustrating so i know how you feel!

[CB]

Oh yes I get this happen all the time. I could practice and practice and feel reasonably good about my progress but any time I needed to use it it was almost as something in my throat tightened up and my voice dropped. Even when I was not nervous it would sometimes happen.

I was discussing it with my speech therapist a while back. Her take was that I could obviously do the voice in a physical sense so we worked on the psychology. She asked me things like "what are you afraid of happening?" Er...well "sounding like the proverbial bloke in a dress" I said/ She then went on to suggest that before each situation where I wanted to use it I should make a list of what the best outcome I could hope for would be and then the absolute worst outcome and added "you will probably soon realise that the positives outweigh the negatives. Well you know what I walked out of that session and into a cafe and nailed it. It felt so good!

My point here is that its  as much about the psychology and hang ups as it is about physical factors. Now it's not all as easy as I just described above and today I'm feeling a bit discouraged again. But I know that I'll eventually get there, one day that is.

As to if you should prep people? No don't. You should start using it from day one. At the beginning it's not going to be that good anyway and maybe even more M than F but hopefully as you try it will become more F over time. That way they'll slowly get used to it, maybe not even notice the change. That's whats happening with my parents.

You are not alone in this. I totally share your frustrations!! 

[Gabrielle_22]

Thanks for all the feedback, girls! I'm going to just keep using my voice as best I can, without trying to ever revert to my old voice. I did have another situation today, since I had to teach my second class of the day after posting my thread earlier; I was a little more successful at first, but then I felt into an in-between voice and couldn't get out of it. And because it's a discussion/lecture class, I'm talking often. And so I guess my other problem is vocal stamina, sort of--I need to learn to use my female voice for long periods of time without my voice going hoarse, as it tends to, or dropping back down to male range from fear.

I'm finding I can maintain the voice better in front strangers or close friends. I used it at a Starbucks without a problem and with my office mate before I taught, but I think it's the 30+ undergraduates making me the most nervous, for whatever reason. It's not so much that my voice passes as female as that I can keep it in a more andro range in some situations, but I just need to be able to convince myself that the positives of potentially being embarrassed outweigh the negatives of never getting past my masculine voice.

Would you girls say you found your female voice over time and through trial and error, or did any of you just find the right tone one day and were able to work towards it quickly? I'm also nervous, you see, about having people hear my voice transition, especially if it sounds bad at first. I'm just a very shy person in general, and so a lot of things like that unfortunately weigh on me.

[Isabelle]

Ditch your "male" voice. You don't need it. Switching between just makes it harder. Once I figured out the "trick" to my voice, I never went back. Don't worry about how you're presenting.  Just don't use your old voice. Practice practice practice.

[Mariah]

That's been my problem is that everyone once in awhile that ends up in a tone between the two instead of the range that I have trained it to. It's irritating when it happens. I hope your able to to and not have any problems of it reverting anymore and instead have stay in the female range. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

Thanks for all the feedback, girls! I'm going to just keep using my voice as best I can, without trying to ever revert to my old voice. I did have another situation today, since I had to teach my second class of the day after posting my thread earlier; I was a little more successful at first, but then I felt into an in-between voice and couldn't get out of it. And because it's a discussion/lecture class, I'm talking often. And so I guess my other problem is vocal stamina, sort of--I need to learn to use my female voice for long periods of time without my voice going hoarse, as it tends to, or dropping back down to male range from fear.

I'm finding I can maintain the voice better in front strangers or close friends. I used it at a Starbucks without a problem and with my office mate before I taught, but I think it's the 30+ undergraduates making me the most nervous, for whatever reason. It's not so much that my voice passes as female as that I can keep it in a more andro range in some situations, but I just need to be able to convince myself that the positives of potentially being embarrassed outweigh the negatives of never getting past my masculine voice.

Would you girls say you found your female voice over time and through trial and error, or did any of you just find the right tone one day and were able to work towards it quickly? I'm also nervous, you see, about having people hear my voice transition, especially if it sounds bad at first. I'm just a very shy person in general, and so a lot of things like that unfortunately weigh on me.

[Damara]

I definitely notice that when I talk to people I've known before starting transition it's very difficult to maintain my higher pitch.. I think that is due to nervousness of seeming silly or strange to these people that knew me before, but with strangers I can do a pretty good job maintaining it!

[CB]

I definitely notice that when I talk to people I've known before starting transition it's very difficult to maintain my higher pitch.. I think that is due to nervousness of seeming silly or strange to these people that knew me before, but with strangers I can do a pretty good job maintaining it!

There's definately something psychological going on that I don't understand. Before I went full time my partner claimed that my voice was better when presenting in F mode than M node.

[Isabelle]

This is where being a bit old and crusty helps I'm 34 and it's totally acceptable and normal to not sound like a child when you talk. I know plenty of women my age with a lower pitch than me. The real key is resonance. Not pitch. Pitch has less to do with gendering a voice than a lot of people think. I've never once been "sir'd" on the phone. I've had phone calls from companies looking for my old name that don't believe I'm who they're looking for when I tell them I'm me.

[Gabrielle_22]

Thanks again for all the feedback. Unfortunately, I met a friend today and almost immediately lost the voice again out of fear of sounding ridiculous. I just need to have the courage to not worry about that, but I don't like how my andro/female voice generally sounds, and so practicing with it in front people is difficult for someone with self-esteem as abysmal as mine. I'm aiming for a lower female voice--I don't try to sound like someone in falsetto for the most part--but it still sounds 'off' to me.

Back to square one....

[ImagineKate]

I definitely notice that when I talk to people I've known before starting transition it's very difficult to maintain my higher pitch.. I think that is due to nervousness of seeming silly or strange to these people that knew me before, but with strangers I can do a pretty good job maintaining it!

Yeah I always fail to use my higher voice because I think it sounds fake. Well guess what! I use my lower voice and it instantly gets me clocked. So maybe I should stick with the higher one.

[michelle82]

Also i do a lot of sound recording of my voice when practicing, so i hear what i sound like. I think this helps to realize that you don't sound as bad as you might think.

[katrinaw]

My understanding, and it will be my biggest fear, is that, from what I understand, that under stress your brain is wired to basic responses e.g you have no control on how you react, you just react! This means that whatever you have learnt and Practised could be voided in high stress situs... You probably have little control. Unless you can manage stress or rather control it!

When I speak in public I am relaxed, unless my confidence is seriously challenged... Hence my fear... If you can control your responses to situations, then you have it nailed!

I will go for voice surgery... As long as nothing goes wrong... In theory My problem would not be one!

Not sure if it helps, but I know you are special if you can control every emotion!!!!?

L Katy

[spooky]

I relate to this problem 1000%.

All of the 'just don't use your male voice' advice jn this thread isn't helpful. As Katrina pointed out, this isn't about voluntary reactions.

It doesn't help that, in a situation that's stressful enough to bring out your male voice, sounding male only compounds that stress. It's very hard to get out of at that point.

This past summer I went out to a business dinner with my boyfriend, his grandmother who I had just met, and the members of the board of a foundation loosely involved with my boyfriend's family.

I was VERY concerned about sounding female and under that stress I became nearly unable to. Instead of panicking, I just said Screw it, I'm going to sound how I'm going to sound--and that helped to release a lot of the anxiety. I then had a couple of martinis and by the end of the night I was able to get to a place where I was completely comfortable with the situation and with how I sounded. It worked out, but obviously relying on substances to help relax isn't good!

In a couple of weeks I am traveling to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. That will be another trying experience but with some mindfulness and calming exercises I'm sure I'll manage to stay on top of it.

I just did a quick Google search for mindfulness exercises and here's a decent example of a few that you could try: http://www.pocketmindfulness.com/6-mindfulness-exercises-you-can-try-today/

[kittenpower]

Never ever use your male voice for anything. You need to get out of practice using it. If you have discomfort making the change then start with a more androgynous tone for a few days and gradually work your way up to your female range, but if you use that old male voice for 1 minute it will undo days of work.

After a month or two everything settles into place and all the muscles and such are accustomed to their new tension/positions. For me it has been 3 years and if I try to get done to my male range it hurts my throat and I lack all chest resonance so I sound like a woman imitating a man - which suits me just fine.

I concur