Getting the courage to stand up for yourself when being misgendered

[Orangaline]

Okay, so when i first came out, all i wanted more than anything was to be referred to by my chosen name and with male pronouns. I fought tooth and nail to try and get my family on board, unfortunately that has yet to happen.

This has not been without progress at all, i came out early december, and since then my grandmother refers to me as a male version of my name, and i go to group therapy, not for trans related topics for mental health treatment (if you need to know or if your worried just ask, i just dont feel like explaining it all on this post cuz its off topic, but if you wanna know ill tell) with kids around my age group and i had asked my therapist if i could go to group as kayden, my chosen name. It was approved and now im only known in that group as kayden. My T, usually does not slip up but theres 3 therapists that do group and one of them who knew me before slips up occasionally, but she corrects herself and i know shes trying.

Thats honestly all ive ever cared about,. I knew that coming out would not only be hard on me, but the people around me, and i didnt expect for everyone to get it perfect all the time, i just wanted people to try.

The only person that attempts to get my pronouns right is my GF. even at group and at home no one gets it right.

The thing is, the last time i was hospitalized, i basically got told to stop trying to get people to use the right pronouns and name etc. and because of that i have been very quiet and just tried t brush of getting misgendered.

i dont let it bother me as much as i did a couple months ago, but that doesnt change the fact that it does.

i just dont know how to find the courage to stand up for myself and say, "actually its he" because of my bad experience before.

I know it hasnt been that long, but

i dont know.

im just afraid to go down that road again, it was so stressful and emotionally taxing....

what should i do??

[Contravene]

Was it your therapist who told you to stop trying to correct people? Maybe they told you that because they knew how stressful it was for you.

You have every right to correct people who are misgendering you but at the same time you shouldn't feel pressured to. It might be good to practice allowing things to roll off your shoulders just do you don't stress out so much. Anytime someone misgenders you remind yourself that you know you're male and don't need others to confirm that then correct people whenever you feel ready to.

[Orangaline]

Was it your therapist who told you to stop trying to correct people? Maybe they told you that because they knew how stressful it was for you.

You have every right to correct people who are misgendering you but at the same time you shouldn't feel pressured to. It might be good to practice allowing things to roll off your shoulders just do you don't stress out so much. Anytime someone misgenders you remind yourself that you know you're male and don't need others to confirm that then correct people whenever you feel ready to.

it was my case manager in the hospital  i was in, and she said pretty much the same thing you did.

Its strange sometimes because one of my friends in the group corrects them for me sometimes, they are genderfluid so they get it, but its like i dont have the courage to do it myself, i want to, i think that i could when it happens, im just a little cowardly when it comes to actually saying something.

but i have always been a bit of a mouse.

[Alexthecat]

Maybe you just need practice. Go to a mall and test it out, if they ma'am you then correct them. If you fail go to the store next door and try again.

[aleon515]

It's more stressful to me NOT to correct people. Of course, how nice I am about it kind of depends, and it is happening less and less frequently.

--Jay

[CarrotInsanity]

Your family might have to adjust to it, but yeah, out of respect and acknowledgment, they should at least try to use correct pronouns.  Occasional slip-ups are understandable, but they're just in denial at this point.  Sorry, man.


I can kind of relate, I'm trans-ish, or at least - in a perfect world, I'd transition completely.  I am a boy, always been a boy - but whether I'm going to tell others?  That's tough.
I'm only out to my brother and his friends.  Too risky to talk to my family about this stuff yet. 

They call me Matt and use male pronouns, but forget a lot, regardless.  Sucks.

[pianoforte]

When it's someone I know & am out to, I just make some passive aggressive remark... Heh. Probably not great. I am not good at being assertive and I feel your pain.

[sam1234]

If you just correct them casually, ie if someone says she, just come back with "its he", and the person who misgendered you will probably be more embarrassed than you are.

Its going to take your parents a while. They lived with someone they thought was their daughter for a long time and are used to using female pronouns. Not only that, but I think there is a little bit of them that wishes you still were, and it may come out subconsciously as she. Try not to take offense. I've been a male longer than I was a "female" and my mother still slips at least once every time I visit.

Don't take it personally and if the person who uses the wrong pronoun gets really emabarrassed when you correct them, just tell them, "no big deal" (even though it is to you), and it probably won't happen with that person again.

sam1234

[Orangaline]

thanks for all the replies..

i will actually get in trouble for correcting my family though, and so will my 7 yr old little brother.

i know it isnt right, but honestly im just working on accepting it, its not the worst my family has come up with....


i think ill try to correct people at group though.

[Amadeus]

Until I have surgery, I'm gonna get misgendered and I accept that.  Course, once the Devil's Dumplings are cut off, I will definitely correct people when they misgender me.

I've been lucky.  My housemate and her girlfriend have been my biggest supporters, even though it took my housemate a while to get the pronouns right.  Dad and Step-mum are trying, but I think Mum is still in denial.  A couple months ago she did that 'list your relation to this person' thing on Facebook and labelled me as her daughter.  Really pissed me off.

If you don't want to be misgendered, you do need to speak up.  If you have a good imagination, try visualising yourself telling someone politely, "It's 'he', actually."  Or even practise with close friends who are supportive.  Your courage will come.  Your identity is valid and sod anyone who refuses to acknowledge it.

[Lady Smith]

I can remember one occasion where somebody was consistently using the wrong pronouns I asked them, 'Do all the guys you know look like me?'  They blushed red to the roots of their hair. but usually I tried to be a little more polite than that.

[Cindy]

Just stepping in. I transitioned at work, been there for 25+ years. The women never miss pronoun me and some men do.

After coming back from a lab where I felt I had been heavily miss pronouned by males I complained, in tears, to my lab staff. These guys love me. They knew I was upset.

They said (two of them one male, one female), we find it hard. You are obviously a woman, we respect you but for so many years you pretended to be a male and we slip up. We have to overcome a lifetime, you always knew you were a woman, but we didn't.

We try hard and if we slip up, please forgive us, we are not doubting your gender, we just screw up.

Family: another issue, one person in the family miss pronouns me. Not my 94 yr old mother in law and not my brain injured wife, but one sister in law.

I asked my therapist how to deal with it. She said you realise she is jealous? You are 5' 7'' 60 kilo, good looking, successful, attract men. She has nothing going for her, she is unfit, unhealthy and a dead end job. She is jealous.

While I am MtF the same things happen to you men. Transmen are often stunning in looks, very emphatic, wonderful communicators and friends who I cherish. Other men get jealous. Cisgirls get jealous of your male privilege.

Family can see you as 'the woman' who was going to carry on the family - and not have a clue how awful that comment my be. It may not be meant in such a way we read it.

I dealt with my work issue. I invited all the men to a meeting. I told them that I had had enough of being mis- gendered. I asked them how many transwomen they had ever met?

The response was just I.

I asked them how long had I been FT with them? Ah three years; what is my name? Ahh Cindy.

So why can't you remind yourself that every time you talk to me it is to me. Cindy, a woman. Grow the F up.

Never had a problem with that lot since.

My sister in law? We only meet at Family get togethers. I told her that if she could not treat me as her sister in law she would be shown out of my home and she would not participate in family gatherings in my house.

It was an idle threat. It was enough.

So what does all of this mean?

You find a way to control the situation in a manageable way. It takes planning.

You split groups into sizes and units you can communicate with. When you have one group on side, you use that influence over the next.

It is not easy. But it can be done and Humans have done it forever.

[Orangaline]

Until I have surgery, I'm gonna get misgendered and I accept that.  Course, once the Devil's Dumplings are cut off, I will definitely correct people when they misgender me.

I've been lucky.  My housemate and her girlfriend have been my biggest supporters, even though it took my housemate a while to get the pronouns right.  Dad and Step-mum are trying, but I think Mum is still in denial.  A couple months ago she did that 'list your relation to this person' thing on Facebook and labelled me as her daughter.  Really pissed me off.

If you don't want to be misgendered, you do need to speak up.  If you have a good imagination, try visualising yourself telling someone politely, "It's 'he', actually."  Or even practise with close friends who are supportive.  Your courage will come.  Your identity is valid and sod anyone who refuses to acknowledge it.

i have never heard them put that way before makes me smile just a bit.


To everyone: thanks for all the replies, i have group today so i will update when i  get home on how it went.

[Orangaline]

well then


i wasnt refered to in group at all, so i was never misgendered.

it was just a bad day, well leave it at that.

but when i got home my cousin was here and blatantly said to my face " you don't have any boy parts your not a boy"

and i couldnt correct her, because i was at home.

although i did threaten to punch her in the stomach if she didn't get out of my room..


i wish i had, maybe then she wouldd know half of what it feels like to be misgendered.

[ReubenIsTheName]

and i couldnt correct her, because i was at home.


i wish i had, maybe then she wouldd know half of what it feels like to be misgendered.

I know how that first part is.  I actually tell my friends to misgender me at home to avoid conflict and/or ugly stares.

Second part, I also know how that is.  The person who I consider to be my best friend (we got really close after my old best friend moved across the country) still misgenders me and calls me by my previous nickname (which she first knew me as).  I usually just stay quiet and/or cringe when I hear people misgender me, and remind myself that once I really start transition (i.e. binder, packer, T, eventual surgery), that'll happen so much less often.