My dilemma: should I tell new close friends?

[sweetie87]

Hiya all,

I feel my last contribution to Susans is like ages ago. So I'm not sure if you know me. I had my SRS 4 years ago and transitioned some 10 years ago during my late teens. Currently I'm in college.

First of all I am happy with myself and my life. I really am. However there's this question that keeps popping up in my mind and I really need to get it off my chest. Susans seems like a safe place to vent, so here I am. I know a lot of us asked ourselves this question with regard to romantic relationships, but I couldn't find any stories about (close) friends. I am making new close friends through college who I hold very dear. We share laughter and tears, exchanged histories and we know pretty much everything about one another. Except for one thing - I have remained silent on the matter of being born a boy. It is mostly out of fear, a fear of rejection. And also a fear that they will stop seeing me as the girl I am and start seeing me as being 'different'. Once I tell them there is simply no way back, but this dilemma keeps on haunting me. I wonder if the potential pros of being able to tell outweigh the cons of it. The question I am facing is: Should I reveal my 'transsexual' history to newly made friends whom I'm getting close to or not? I don't intend to say that I feel an obligation to tell, but I'm generally someone who feels a need to be open about anything especially when getting close with people.

The life I'm living right now is maybe an ordinary life, pretty much the life I'd always wanted to have and the life I could only dream of as a young teenager. Little did I know that since transition this question to tell or not to tell new friends is driving me crazy for months – if not years. When having slumber parties where all the girls undress in front of each other it makes it pretty clear to me that no one questions my girl being, but the thing is that it somehow is still there, in the back of my mind – me feeling inadequate or incomplete for not being born a girl. Yet this may seem contradicting for I was always the one advocating how one should embrace being TS because after having gone through all we went through we can after all really enjoy life, feeling gender euphoria and not taking anything for granted. It is ironic how that feeling subsides and wears off, and a feeling of incompleteness sets in. It's like not wanting to be different but at the same time feeling/being different while no one knows about it, kind of a lonely feeling. I'm not sure if anyone can relate; it feels good to vent though.

It's like having been through so much(transition) to finally be myself, which was at times a huge ordeal and at other times causing great euphoria. But I've made it and after all I went through to be myself I feel I deserve it to feel completely free and be able to be myself today. Transition is just one of the pieces of a puzzle that made me who I am to this date and I feel sorry for not being able to fully share my whereabouts with new close friends. It is like having all of my doors wide open, but anxiously keeping this one door shut. This is not to say that this dilemma I'm facing means that being trans is something that defines my life. On the contrary, I do not see myself as 'trans' but just as a girl (or girl-next-door as some say ), and I just live my life. I rarely talk about it anymore, simply because it is not that relevant to my daily life anymore. I'm a sophomore in college, doing internships and having multiple side-jobs, including the occasional slumber party or dance. My classmates don't know about it and I have been blending in with everybody. I hope this doesn't sound shallow, because I am not – I'm just really taking the chance to enjoy college life after my life in both high school and community college have been dominated by transition (amongst other causes of distress).

Also because this history is what made me who I am today and by not sharing it with those I'm getting close to I feel like I miss out on a chance of really connecting with these new friends and also with some classmates who definitely have 'friend potential'. I rather quit making up stories about having periods or reinventing my childhood or feeling like I need to be on guard or giving people censored versions of my life - I just want to be myself completely – 100% (as opposed to 99.9%). I like to be able to be open about myself, having this weight of my shoulders - but will I be rewarded for it or will I pay the price?  Will I be able to be myself better after having shared this part of me or when people are unaware of my TS being? Again I feel some sort of fear that people will reject me after knowing or that they will start treating me different or find it weird. My biggest fear is that there is simply is no way back after telling them and that I am blowing my chances of totally blending and being stealth and being a 'normal girl' (which in a way I am and in another way feel I cannot be). I also feel all of this has been dragging on me for too long.

I am eager to hear your thoughts on this. Ultimately I am the only one who would be able to answer my  question, but maybe some insightful comments or questions could help me further in my search. But it would also be helpful to just hear about others facing this stuff. In that case I wonder how you dealt with and how friends or other people responded.

Ooh.. and sorry for this waaayy to long ramble!

Love and hugs,
Sweetie

[melanie maritz]

that's quite difficult. being born a boy and having gone through all the things you did to be you is part of who you are, and when you can't share entirely who you are with the ones you hold dear then it reels like you aren't connecting as well as you could be.

I think it could be good for you , so that they understand you better, know what you went through and then you can be totally honest about your childhood as well which is also nice.

Just be very careful, if you're living stealth and want to continue living stealth be careful that the people that you think of as really good friends right now, won't go and tell everyone that you were born a boy after you tell them your history.

but if they do accept you, I believe you might be a lot happier around them as you can then be 100% you without any worries. I'm saying that, because again I believe that you are a woman, not a trans woman, but it is part of who you are and what made you who you are

[jfong]

Just as what Melanie said, imo if they are close friend then be truthful. That way you can actually see whether they are worthy to be kept as friends for life. I did that and haven't lost any single close friends, for they see me as who I am.

I know it is hard to be outed especially if you are living stealth, but no matter what your transition is what brings you to who you are today and we should be proud that we were able to go through that and survive.

Not being truthful for me is just like living in a closet, it is so hard to keep that part of you hidden.

If they are strangers, then don't care as long as they don't do any harm to you.

My $0.02


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Rejennyrated]

Whereas with a prospective partner I am of the opinion that they should always know, in the case of friends I have a slightly different viewpoint.

I think its a matter of weighing up the risks and rewards. What will you or they get out of the knowledge? What might go wrong? In short is it going to add anything to your friendship? If you feel the answer is yes then by all means go ahead, if not then probably not.

It may surprise people to hear me say this who have read my rather forthright views on the, in my view, utterly moronic idiocy of trying to have a romantic relationship with someone you don't trust enough to be open with, but in this case I am quite selective and I would advise everyone to be the same.

Some of my friends know, other don't, at least not from me. A few may have gathered from others, but that is different. Either way I've never lost a friend as a result of it, probably because while I think sometimes telling people can be positive I always do it in a well chosen and very matter of fact way. There is never any big announcement or awkward disclosure, it just sometimes gets slipped into the conversation much as one might mention a passion for coffee, or any other minor but interesting aspect of your personality.

Those of you who don't have the benefit of being 30 years post everything, and having had an openly andogynous childhood in the 1960's and 1970's, may struggle to comprehend how this uber casual approach that I am describing is even possible. I'm sure for many of you the disclosure is big scary set moment. All I can say is that over the years I've grown very relaxed and skilled at doing it, and actually it doesnt have to be a big major moment. Indeed if you can do it in such a way that it isn't, then that is probably the best indication that being open is the right thing to do. I wouldn't ever tell someone whom I had to sit down and tell in the "big announcement" way, because they are clearly not the people with whom I'm sufficiently onboad.

So I don't think there are any hard and fast rules beyond following your gut instinct. Ask yourself if it will add anything to the friendship, if yes then fine, if no then why would you even want to? Also part of that is being comfortable and confident that the people you choose to tell will understand the subtleties of what they are being told. Whichever way you play it there are risks and reward. So just weigh it carefully.

[Lady_Oracle]

I'm constantly dealing with this same issue.

It's like having been through so much(transition) to finally be myself, which was at times a huge ordeal and at other times causing great euphoria. But I've made it and after all I went through to be myself I feel I deserve it to feel completely free and be able to be myself today. Transition is just one of the pieces of a puzzle that made me who I am to this date and I feel sorry for not being able to fully share my whereabouts with new close friends. It is like having all of my doors wide open, but anxiously keeping this one door shut. This is not to say that this dilemma I'm facing means that being trans is something that defines my life. On the contrary, I do not see myself as 'trans' but just as a girl (or girl-next-door as some say ), and I just live my life. I rarely talk about it anymore, simply because it is not that relevant to my daily life anymore. I'm a sophomore in college, doing internships and having multiple side-jobs, including the occasional slumber party or dance. My classmates don't know about it and I have been blending in with everybody. I hope this doesn't sound shallow, because I am not – I'm just really taking the chance to enjoy college life after my life in both high school and community college have been dominated by transition (amongst other causes of distress).

Not shallow at all and I'm at the same point in my life except I'm pre-op.

I've come out to a few people but not everyone. It just depends like if I know they are not very accepting then I don't say anything and just don't get any closer, I keep them at a distance. If they show me that they are an understanding individual then I disclose and they don't treat me any differently than before. Thats my main issue with being out to everyone I get to know or meet in my life. Some people will treat you way differently after you tell them and some won't. Its annoying and I'd rather not disclose to people like that so I feel them out and get to know them as best as I can. I feel like sharing that intimate part of my life is a huge sign of trust in the person you're telling and they should recognize that. If they don't they're not very good friends to begin with. I think that's the best part of coming out to anyone, is that you really get to find out if they're truly your friend or not.

I'm moving on with my life and I'm at the point where I'm pretty much done with it. I'm not a fan of talking about my past. It makes my dysphoria jump back up, so that's another reason why I just avoid it.

When it comes to talking about my past or period/girl talk and such. I just don't comment on certain things. I do have my own pms cause of injections. So I might comment on that and thats not a lie. I just don't say what my pms is from. You don't really have to lie at all. If someone asks you a direct question about like having a period then I just say I don't get them due to a medical condition I have, which isn't a lie. So there's always ways around talking about your past and not actually revealing specific details without being dishonest. I'm fortunate enough that my life growing up wasn't very male-ish to begin with or at all. My parents didn't enforce strict gender roles on me. I spent the majority of my adolescence locked away in my room due to severe depression. So whenever I talk about my own past, it isn't rooted in any gender.

I wish that this wasn't an issue at all for us. Its really frustrating to deal with. I'm very friendly and social. I love talking with people and befriending as many peeps as I can, so this is pretty annoying. When it comes to transition stuff I can't really ever talk about it cause most don't get it nor do I want to deal with ridiculous opinions about it. Everyone sees me as a girl and I'm happy with that. I guess what it comes down to is your personal level of comfort. If it really is nagging you like this then I say go for it and ready yourself whatever negative stuff may happen after.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Sweetie

Please bear with a bit of bio for context, and I shall answer you. My take on this is different, as I'm in my 40s. Last year I transitioned, and with astonishing good fortune I went from boy to girl in 6 months.  My friends and family are wonderfully supportive. And, although I assumed that new friends to our circle would have been told the story, I discovered that this wasn't the case - the newcomers saw a girl, and were surprised when I outed myself.  At work through, everyone knows I'm the girl who was once a boy - I am one of the office gossip topics.  And to be frank, as much as I knew it would happen, it pisses me off when newly arrived colleagues know.

To your dilemma:  I fully undertand the frustration and desire to "come clean" and be totally open about all aspects of your life and persona. It feels good to know that you're not hiding the truth, and there is always some internal stress when you partially recast the history of your life to totally match your gender.  I do it; we all do but, if you think about it, all of us tweak our personal histories to suit our needs regardless of gender.

I am going to come down firmly on the side of keeping your past undisclosed.  University is a time of of rapidly changing social allegiances, and today's best friend can turn into tomorrow's bi*ch.  Looking back at my uni days, I would never dare to disclose something so personal, because there were just too many drunken occasions for things to slip, not only from me but from other people.  I extracted astonishing personal information from drunk friends and strangers.  I never used it, but I was surprised at how easy it was for them to disclose this, and if so, no privileged information, such as gender history, is safe.  For a girl who might have an abortion, or worse, in her past, her story ultimately becomes public knowledge.  For young people, who haven't lived much "scandal", anything like this becomes a big thing; older people are more discreet for having lived their own scandals, for lack of a better word, but I suspect that your world is mostly composed of young adults.

The difference between my story and yours is that I cannot hide my gender history - I have 20 years of adult personal and professional life behind me, and it would require a self-defeating effort to do the stealth thing.  I don't see a need to disclose my history to people, but if they decided to dig, they'd find the evidence.  In your case, however, I think it would be crazy to expose yourself to the risk of gossip and possible prejudice.  That doesn't mean you should never tell anyone anything, but you need to be really, really, really, REALLY sure that this information will forever remain confidential.  Young adults, sadly, are probably not the best confidants, sorry.

And returning to my initial point, if you recast the story of your life in female terms, so what?  You're probably already being more candid about most things than many people.  Yes, I agree that transition is a major life event, but you've shared this with some people, so keep it to that group.

I hope some of this makes sense.

Hugs
Julia

[2cherry]

I agree that it is a good idea to ask:

What are they getting out of that kind of information? It is something similar like telling you had your hand in the cookie jar. The only result seems to be catharsis, with the risk that people will start to treat you differently.

I know someone who disclosed a secret to me. He killed someone. I rather would not wanted to know his story, because my view on him changed. The net result for him was catharsis, and a new label.

I need catharsis as well, but I rather go to a therapist than smudging the lens to distort some established view.

[mac1]

Sweetie87 there is no reason for you to tell just anybody. Reserve that information for possibly a male with whom you may choose to share a long term intimate relationship and with whom you trust to respect your privacy. If you choose an intimate relationship with another woman or even a casual one with a man sharing that information might not be necessary.

[pretty pauline]

Sweetie87 there is no reason for you to tell just anybody. Reserve that information for possibly a male with whom you may choose to share a long term intimate relationship and with whom you trust to respect your privacy. If you choose an intimate relationship with another woman or even a casual one with a man sharing that information might not be necessary.

I agree 100%, no reason to tell just anybody, why go there when you pass completely , why fix somthing that's not broken, my husband knows my history, but his family and friends don't, no need for them to know.

[sweetie87]

Wow, I'm really moved by all the comments here. Really it means a lot to me knowing that I'm not alone in this!

In retrospect I think a part of my question also stems from my little quarterlife crisis and a search in knowing what I want out of my life. Finally this has led me to quit my job and pursue college instead. In my studies it is really important to know yourself and to be aware who you are. I think I know myself pretty well and as my peers are going through the same reflections it is not unusual for us to engage in pretty deep conversations, so maybe that explains even better my need for openness. What's also difficult for me is that some friends who I have known since a longer period of time do know about my past (because we met during a time when I was pre-op so I felt it was easier to tell) and my newer friends do not know, so I don't know what will happen once these friends start mingling and get to know each other. It somehow feels awkward to have different circles that know different parts of my background mixing up. Maybe it would be easy for someone to slip up at some time...

@Melane Maritz: Your comment was really encouraging. It made me feel a little stronger and more positive and it made it clear to me that I need to be careful as well.

@jfong: Thank you for being uplifting. And I feel that if they are true friends they'll understand.

@Rejennyrated; It was really helpful how you came with a new insight. For me it's hard to imagine such an easy-going and casual way to bring up this 'disclosure', but it's definitely something worth considering should I choose to reveal. At this point I tend to think that disclosing will add to the friendship, but it is still a scary and daunting prospect and it's hard to put my finger on how it will add to the friendship,... my hopes are that it will get us even closer, get better understanding of each other and have a stronger bond or something?

@Lady_Oracle: I love your avatar! Ontopic though ; I can relate to so much what you are saying. I'm quite sure my friends will accept me, even after coming out, but it will be a test nonetheless. And that is something I can prepare and ready myself for, just like you said. Maybe the reason I got so close with some of my friends, is because we trust each other so well so I don't feel any need to keep people at a distance.

Anyway we are really alike I think, I'm also a social butterfly who loves talking to lots of peeps, making new friends. Ooh, and maybe I should indeed refrain from making comments on the period talk and move somewhat to the background when the subject comes up in groups

@Julia_madrid: Your comments, like you said, were quite firm. You offer perspectives I didn't even consider, especially on recasting the past and the possibility of losing friends. For me it is so hard to imagine to lose these close friends, but yeah I've seen it happening too already between people (luckily I was not involved). The thing is that the kind of people I choose to hang out with are usually the more mature ones, so it is hard to imagine them using this information against me.

@2cherry: Thank you as well for replying. I had to google 'catharsis' :$ hehe, but yeah I really understand it now. If catharsis is the only reason of disclosing then it's probably not a good idea to tell, so then I go back to what jenny said, what will it add to the friendship?

@mac1 and pretty pauline: It feels empowering to know that I don't have to tell. In a way I feel the same that I shouldn't be obligated to tell, however I am so used to being open about myself.

I'm still contemplating everything and let it all sink in. Again thank you all!

Xoxo
Sweetie

[mac1]

Sweetie just enjoy being the girl that you were meant to be.

[sweetie87]

Sweetie just enjoy being the girl that you were meant to be.

True! maybe i am just making it so hard on myself..

[noleen111]

I also as a post-op girl... don't tell anyone i was born a boy.. for me its in the past...

I have a number of girl friends that I met as woman.. they have not a clue that I was born a boy.. they accept me as girl.. I do feel bad sometimes when I have extend the truth sometimes to make fit for a girl.. I normally change something that really happened to me.. but were possible make it suit a girl.. which I know is wrong. The only topic that does make me a little uncomfortable is when the topic of periods come up.. My story is I had my first one at the age of 12.. how i came up with that.. listening to the other women who were there so I took a average age.

To hide my SRS..as they all knew me when It was time to have SRS.. well I told them I had to a hysterectomy  due to a large non cancerous (non, because I don't want to tempt fate and say I had cancer) growth I had on my womb.. (This took some goggling, these growths are quite common in women...ok not big ones..). I said a hysterectomy due to the longer recovery period. At least the period problem went away.. My one friend actually said.. wow you are lucky you don't get periods anymore.

I do feel terrible i had to lie.. but I am scared that they will reject me if they know.. I know I was dumb.. but I am very protective of my past.. the boy i was born is dead to me.

[mac1]

I also as a post-op girl... don't tell anyone i was born a boy.. for me its in the past...

I have a number of girl friends that I met as woman.. they have not a clue that I was born a boy.. they accept me as girl.. I do feel bad sometimes when I have extend the truth sometimes to make fit for a girl.. I normally change something that really happened to me.. but were possible make it suit a girl.. which I know is wrong. The only topic that does make me a little uncomfortable is when the topic of periods come up.. My story is I had my first one at the age of 12.. how i came up with that.. listening to the other women who were there so I took a average age.

To hide my SRS..as they all knew me when It was time to have SRS.. well I told them I had to a hysterectomy  due to a large non cancerous (non, because I don't want to tempt fate and say I had cancer) growth I had on my womb.. (This took some goggling, these growths are quite common in women...ok not big ones..). I said a hysterectomy due to the longer recovery period. At least the period problem went away.. My one friend actually said.. wow you are lucky you don't get periods anymore.

I do feel terrible i had to lie.. but I am scared that they will reject me if they know.. I know I was dumb.. but I am very protective of my past.. the boy i was born is dead to me.

That sounds like good decisions. Keep the other details for somebody who may have a real need to know, and whom you can trust with the real truth.

[Rejennyrated]

As I tried to say before I think its terribly important not have rigid rules about this. What works with one person won't necessarily work with another. The key point is, will telling someone be a bonus and add to the friendship or will it be a barrier? Well the truth is you'll never know for sure until you take the risk. My experience is that I've either been lucky, or a good judge of who to tell and who not to tell, because the people I've told seem to have respected the information and certainly haven't rejected me, indeed it seems to have deepened the friendship, whereas the people I've not told don't seem to have any suspicions.

There is of course the fact that once the information is out there in the wild you no longer control it, but of course that is also a very good argument for telling people because you'd be surprised how small the world has become since the internet got going, and even without that its surprising how often people from the past suddenly cross your path again. It only needs ONE such chance enounter for the whole edifice to crumble and the secret gets out. I've seen it happen to others.

So I think you have to weigh the whole thing and be flexible. Do what seems right, but please don't live in fear. After all what the heck is the point of swapping one closet for another. Pre-op you live with the hidden desire to be different - post-op you live with the hidden fear someone will find out that you once were. That's hardly an improvement, so the sane person puts themselves in a position where if the worst happens, it isnt going to be a big deal. The politicians that fall in disgrace are not the ones that have skeletons, they are the ones who have sekletons and then try to cover them up.

If you want to check out what I say try finding out about me - and see how easy it is. These days if you are even moderately active online you leave footprints, and they can be traced. At one point in my life I did some work which involved finding certain things out that other people might not have wanted found out... Its surprisingly easy if you know how to synthesize multiple searches to find a lot of information and form quite a detailed picture of an individual. You may have moved, you may have changed name and gender marker but if you have credit records, if you have any online accounts or government records you can be traced.

Anyone one of you could find out who I am, where I live, where I study, many of the places I have worked, who my friends are, what my previous names were (and remember in my case they go back to the 1960's) You could find all this out in less than ten minutes without doing anything ilegal, and I'll wager I could do much the same for almost any of you if I wanted to.

Yes, most people don't have the time or motive and so isn't an everyday event, but that's the ultimate bottom line of what CAN be done, and the wise person factors all of that in when they weigh up the pros and cons.

There are still people I don't tell, because a.) it wouldnt add anything to the situation b.) they wouldnt understand and c.) I don't care what they think anyway. So its not an all or nothing situation.

But... don't have rules, don't say always, dont say never. Follow your instincts and trust it will be ok, because it generally will. Finally and most importantly don't be faux and ashamed. Be proud of who and what you are, because ultimately its all you've got. So don't hide in shame.

OH and PS - for those who were suprised by my assertion that a reveal doesnt have to be a big announcement, here is an excerpt from a real conversation that I had with a friend not so long ago.

Her – "yes we had a great night we went to a club dressed as drag kings"
Me – "oh yes I did that once, they even had a competition which I lost... I found that quite amusing under the circumstances!"
Her – "How do you mean?"
Me – "Well of course when I was just out of my teens I transitioned and had sex reassignment surgery."
Her – "Oh how fascinating... I never would have guessed."
Conversation goes on to talk about something else...

[Lady_Oracle]

@Lady_Oracle: I love your avatar! Ontopic though ; I can relate to so much what you are saying. I'm quite sure my friends will accept me, even after coming out, but it will be a test nonetheless. And that is something I can prepare and ready myself for, just like you said. Maybe the reason I got so close with some of my friends, is because we trust each other so well so I don't feel any need to keep people at a distance.

Anyway we are really alike I think, I'm also a social butterfly who loves talking to lots of peeps, making new friends. Ooh, and maybe I should indeed refrain from making comments on the period talk and move somewhat to the background when the subject comes up in groups

Ha thanks! I can't for the new season of Game of Thrones! yeee 

Yeah to be honest though when it comes to talking about periods and pregnancy my heart just sinks. I get this terrible reminder that I'm never going to pregnant  I have wide hips too so I could totally do it if I just had the organs...That's why I just stay out of the convo about that stuff, I just listen unless I'm asked something directly. I hate shifting the conversation onto me since it would just make me feel even worst talking about it openly. 

Making new friends is the best though. I love finding other like minded people and the newness that comes with forming friendships. 

[Julia-Madrid]

I do feel terrible i had to lie.. but I am scared that they will reject me if they know.. I know I was dumb.. but I am very protective of my past.. the boy i was born is dead to me.

Yes, I fully understand this as it does jar, but we're not obliged to disclose absolute truth on such highly personal things.  People go into hospital all the time to deal with sensitive or embarrasing interventions, and they certainly don't tell almost anyone the truth.  In your case Noleen it's unlikely that you'd be rejected, but why take the risk - the boy is dead and long live the girl..! 

Even amongst my closest friends who know everything, I recast my past in feminine terms when we talk.  They all know the situation, but why go for accuracy when the person they're seeing in front of them is a girl?

Hugs
Julia

[sweetie87]

Ha thanks! I can't for the new season of Game of Thrones! yeee 

Yeah to be honest though when it comes to talking about periods and pregnancy my heart just sinks. I get this terrible reminder that I'm never going to pregnant  I have wide hips too so I could totally do it if I just had the organs...That's why I just stay out of the convo about that stuff, I just listen unless I'm asked something directly. I hate shifting the conversation onto me since it would just make me feel even worst talking about it openly. 

Making new friends is the best though. I love finding other like minded people and the newness that comes with forming friendships.

Omg, i can't wait for Game of Thrones either

Yeah the period talk is a nasty reminder of not being able to get pregnant. In the past i would feel so hurt about this, it is just so unfair. Over the years however i have learnt to accept it somewhat and I have even met girls who are perfectly able to get pregnant but prefer adoption instead because they want to give to the world. That gives me hope, because not every girl *should* get pregnant....so it makes me feel more normal in way.

Ooh and yeah I alsothink making friends is so awesome! If feels so good to have likeminded people and to feel accepted and everything. Its nice to hang out and have fun and I really enjoy chatting for hours and learning about ourselves through each other