In a relationship with a FTM - need advice

[sam1234]

Ho boy, does that hit home! I was married to a cis woman for 7 years and my not having a working part turned into a big issue. I lost her, but that was more because she didn't believe I was really a male, so its not quite the same.

I can give you some pointers from a transmale's point of view. Not having working genitalia can be an issue for a transguy. Having to deal with strap ons etc instead of being completely spontaneous just reminds him that he can't give you everything you need in that area.

There are some very realistic phalluses in different sizes as I'm sure you know, and when I was married, we had two different sizes. I let her choose.

Since it is an issue and you have to talk about it, I would suggest that you don't bring it up during or right after you have had sex. That just makes a guy feel like he failed. If you really love him and don't want to end the relationship, make sure that he knows that you love him anyway, and if he satisfies you, let him know that too.

I'm not suggesting that a strap on is an equal replacement for a normal penis, but it isn't for him either. He may be going out of his way to please you at the expense of his own satisfaction, I don't know and that is between the two of you. I'd like to say its not a big issue, but as you know, it is for some. That doesn't make you a horrible person.

If at anytime, you decide that you aren't going to be able to stay in a relationship with him, tell him instead of dragging it out. He is probably wondering. If on the other hand, you are willing to do anything to stay with him, let him know that as well.

I wish you luck with what ever you two decide.

sam1234

[seekingadvice]

Ho boy, does that hit home! I was married to a cis woman for 7 years and my not having a working part turned into a big issue. I lost her, but that was more because she didn't believe I was really a male, so its not quite the same.

I can give you some pointers from a transmale's point of view. Not having working genitalia can be an issue for a transguy. Having to deal with strap ons etc instead of being completely spontaneous just reminds him that he can't give you everything you need in that area.

There are some very realistic phalluses in different sizes as I'm sure you know, and when I was married, we had two different sizes. I let her choose.

Since it is an issue and you have to talk about it, I would suggest that you don't bring it up during or right after you have had sex. That just makes a guy feel like he failed. If you really love him and don't want to end the relationship, make sure that he knows that you love him anyway, and if he satisfies you, let him know that too.

I'm not suggesting that a strap on is an equal replacement for a normal penis, but it isn't for him either. He may be going out of his way to please you at the expense of his own satisfaction, I don't know and that is between the two of you. I'd like to say its not a big issue, but as you know, it is for some. That doesn't make you a horrible person.

If at anytime, you decide that you aren't going to be able to stay in a relationship with him, tell him instead of dragging it out. He is probably wondering. If on the other hand, you are willing to do anything to stay with him, let him know that as well.

I wish you luck with what ever you two decide.

sam1234

Thanks sam1234. I appreciate the feedback and suggestions. Our sex life has definitely been at a low recently and it is something we need to figure out how to fix. While I do enjoy sex with him - you hit the nail on the head about spontaneity  as for us its just always so.. planned. And there are times where I feel like it and he doesn't and vice versa (as I'm sure in any kind of relationship).  I do love him a lot and I accept who he is and respect the struggle he has been through in his life and I want to continue to be there for him but I don't want to live like feeling like something is missing. I know we need to have a big heart to heart conversation but I guess I'm kind of afraid of how that may go.

[RomeoEcho]

It was sort of a conclusion we came to together but separately. It had been coming for a long time, but ultimately, I ended up taking a job overseas and it was the catalyst that finally brought us to talk about it. I knew he wanted it, and decided that I was ok giving it a try because the alternative was to separate completely. I wanted him in my life and I didn't want to try to be platonic best friends after living together as romantic partners for five years.

We didn't read the book until after we did it wrong at first and it was really ugly. I would suggest reading it yourself first. Then ask him to read the book. It does have sections about how to first bring it up, though that part wasn't helpful for me. It took a couple months of working out the details honestly. I don't think it needs to take that long, but you do need to each reach your own conclusions about what matters to you, what your objectives and hopes are, what you are and are not ok with. The more detail the better, don't assume that you mean the same things. And you need to both be willing to listen to what the other has to say and support it even if you don't understand it. It's been really hard for me to learn to talk about my feelings and fears, especially as I am not actively pursuing other partners and he is.

He has met someone online and is soon to meet them in real life. And it is incredibly hard for me. I want him to be happy, but it does bring up all sorts of insecurities. I recently wrote out a list of my fears for us to try to tackle, and there were a lot more than I expected. But we are continuing to talk about it when it comes up and when I tell him I'm afraid he'll leave me when he has someone with a "real penis" (or any number of other things I feel I'm lacking in) he reminds me that he's doing this because he doesn't want to leave and he's exploring his sexuality not looking for another partner. And letting me talk about it has made a huge difference. We remind each other that both of our sexualities matter and it's ok to want things and still care about each other. He is supporting my gender exploration, and I am supporting his sexuality exploration. Ultimately, the process of discussing it and negotiating the logistics and supporting each other as we actually start doing it has brought us immensely closer and I am very grateful for that.

[mac1]

So I am a straight female in a relationship with a FTM. We have been together for over 3 years and I knew he was a FTM right after we started dating but I gave him the change as he is a wonderful person and I loved everything else about him.

Recently I have been struggling intensely with missing parts of the male anatomy that he just does not have. I love him and while of course our relationship takes work above what perhaps a "normal" relationship may take that doesn't mean I am wanting to be done. We try to work on the testosterone side effects with anger issues together and get through them when they happen. I am missing have sex with someone with male genitalia rather than using a strap-on. Sorry to be semi-"graphic". I don't want to give up on our relationship but I don't know how to get past this or how to get past it for the rest of my life. Do I bring up the desire for an option relationship? I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to not be with him either.

I appreciate any feedback or thoughts.

Your post is confusing. It sounds like you started dating him in a F-F relationship and were satisfied with that at first. Then later in your relationship you desired penetration with a real penis. Which is more important to you: being with him as a loving and committed partner or being with him because he has a great penis and sexual ability?

You will never have a great and lasting relationship with anybody if it is primarily based on sexual fulfillment. There may be a time when penetration will become a painful experience for you due to menopause and he will still desire it. There may also become a time when he can no longer penetrate you and you will still have a passionate need for it. How will you handle it under either of those circumstances if that activity is the basis of your relationship?

[seekingadvice]

Your post is confusing. It sounds like you started dating him in a F-F relationship and were satisfied with that. Then later in your relationship you desired penetration with a real penis. Which is more important to you: being with him as he is or being with somebody with a penis?

I see that I had a typo in my initial post of "change" not "chance" - I have corrected that. When we started dating it was not in a F-F relationship - he has been transitioned for over a decade now.

[seekingadvice]

It was sort of a conclusion we came to together but separately. It had been coming for a long time, but ultimately, I ended up taking a job overseas and it was the catalyst that finally brought us to talk about it. I knew he wanted it, and decided that I was ok giving it a try because the alternative was to separate completely. I wanted him in my life and I didn't want to try to be platonic best friends after living together as romantic partners for five years.

We didn't read the book until after we did it wrong at first and it was really ugly. I would suggest reading it yourself first. Then ask him to read the book. It does have sections about how to first bring it up, though that part wasn't helpful for me. It took a couple months of working out the details honestly. I don't think it needs to take that long, but you do need to each reach your own conclusions about what matters to you, what your objectives and hopes are, what you are and are not ok with. The more detail the better, don't assume that you mean the same things. And you need to both be willing to listen to what the other has to say and support it even if you don't understand it. It's been really hard for me to learn to talk about my feelings and fears, especially as I am not actively pursuing other partners and he is.

He has met someone online and is soon to meet them in real life. And it is incredibly hard for me. I want him to be happy, but it does bring up all sorts of insecurities. I recently wrote out a list of my fears for us to try to tackle, and there were a lot more than I expected. But we are continuing to talk about it when it comes up and when I tell him I'm afraid he'll leave me when he has someone with a "real penis" (or any number of other things I feel I'm lacking in) he reminds me that he's doing this because he doesn't want to leave and he's exploring his sexuality not looking for another partner. And letting me talk about it has made a huge difference. We remind each other that both of our sexualities matter and it's ok to want things and still care about each other. He is supporting my gender exploration, and I am supporting his sexuality exploration. Ultimately, the process of discussing it and negotiating the logistics and supporting each other as we actually start doing it has brought us immensely closer and I am very grateful for that.

Thank you for sharing this with me and for sharing some of your fears about your partner exploring his sexuality. I wish nothing but the best for you both.

I am definitely going to sit down and read that book and get some perspective from that as well. I'm trying not to feel like I want to "have my cake and eat it too" so to speak.
(On a side note, I think this post may bump me up to the next status so I may be able to continue this in pm).

[Gemma93]

Hi,

this post is almost 10 years old now but I'm gonna give it a try regardless. I am currently in a similar situation in my relationship and I am very curious to see what came out of this situation for you, OP. You may not read this ever but I figured I'd give it a go.

[Lori Dee]

Hello Gemma,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

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@Gemma93
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Moonflower]

Hi,

this post is almost 10 years old now but I'm gonna give it a try regardless. I am currently in a similar situation in my relationship and I am very curious to see what came out of this situation for you, OP. You may not read this ever but I figured I'd give it a go.

I would like to be helpful to you and supportive of other Susan's members who would like to reach out to you. As we respect your boundaries, I ask you how you feel about sharing more about how your situation is similar and different from the OP. We are here for you.