I feel phony

[orangepeel]

Hi, my name is Ernest but everybody knows me as Emma. I never thought to much about gender and I was generally ambivalent about the role that I had been given at birth. By the time I was 13 I knew I was a lesbian, but I thought that was it. I remember hating dresses and then growing fond of them and even buying a few. I really didn't care actually. As long as people let me do what I want, I was ok.
However, a couple months ago I started feeling dysphoria. I had problems with self-image in the past, but this was on a whole different level. I felt as if there was something inherently wrong with me. Now, after thinking it through I have decided to call myself a 'male' but I am still worried. I am worried that I am going through a phase and I am constantly doubting myself. I really hate it. I really don't know what I need to do or if I have to somehow validate my masculinity or whatever. I am just generally confused. Sorry if this sounds whiny or anything.

[Jessica Merriman]

Not whiney, just real. Most of us here get you completely if that makes you feel any better.

[JenSquid]

It took me nearly two years of working with my therapist to sort out my own doubts. I had long felt that something was fundamentally wrong with me, but my dysphoria grew over time. Part of me had wanted to be a girl since I was like 10 or so (and looking back, there were signs even earlier), but because I had been ambivalent about gender before, I had trouble saying I actually was one. According to my therapist, she's never met a trans person who did not at some point question the authenticity of what they were dealing with. The confusion you're dealing with is very likely normal, and if nothing else, I can relate. I'm sure in time you'll figure it out. It just kinda sucks in the meantime.

[Rachel]

Don't feel that you need to validate anything. Do what you are doing and keep an open mind. Do what feels good. Acceptance comes and when it does you will make an action plan to be yourself.

[Pizzaparty78]

No need to feel phony, I too can relate. All those doubts were in my head every hour, torturing me. I kinda just got over them when I realized that they weren't getting me anywhere, and I slowly started making some changes. Some things I might suggest to help ease your doubts may be to try having a couple close people call you "he" and try it out, or go anonymously online like I did in my favorite games, try different styles (hair included), explore. Don't feel bad or rushed, just do what feels right.
-Grayson

[Laura_7]

You could have a look here for a few thoughts that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185096.msg1646042.html#msg1646042

You are not alone in this... there are many others who go through this... just take the time you need, but keep at it...

and keep asking questions... alone writing might help... and people here will try to support you

hugs

[billiejane]

Hi Ernest i felt incredibly like you, and if im honest i still fear all that still, but it came to the point for me where everything was going crazy and i felt like it was all pointless, so i thought, what is the worst that can ever happen? i started coming here and even made a thread similar here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,171545.msg1636203.html#msg1636203) what you feel is not unusual to me, just the other side of the coin from me lol

i still fear all these things, like what if i don't like this journey, or what if im just being silly etc, and that ill  never really fit, but its not just a road you can take and never turn around. i think because society says you are either male or female, it can make it feel like everything is a definitive choice and that once you decide you cannot change at all, but you can stop transitioning at any point, or take it slow, sometimes its just about finding you by exploring, which is very hard from people who feel like you must know everything about yourself.

i think the best thing i ever did was see a therapist where i could talk about everything, and eventually i came to the realization that the only thing stopping me was fear from other people, not really about myself. i think you could really do with talking to someone similar and just talk about everything, and remember, you don't have to become a steryotype male just because you changed, which is what i felt like i should have done, like i am too 'male' to become female, but then i met some actual trans people and it made me come to the realization that i am me, and my gender does not define my personality.

i hope you find someone who can help you talk through it all, and who can give support, if you are in the UK i really do recommend talking to your doctor for a referral to a gender clinic, where they dont force you to instantly  chose a path, but really talk about it and hopefully clear up alot of what you feel

all the best billie xx

[amber roskamp]

Hi, my name is Ernest but everybody knows me as Emma. I never thought to much about gender and I was generally ambivalent about the role that I had been given at birth. By the time I was 13 I knew I was a lesbian, but I thought that was it. I remember hating dresses and then growing fond of them and even buying a few. I really didn't care actually. As long as people let me do what I want, I was ok.
However, a couple months ago I started feeling dysphoria. I had problems with self-image in the past, but this was on a whole different level. I felt as if there was something inherently wrong with me. Now, after thinking it through I have decided to call myself a 'male' but I am still worried. I am worried that I am going through a phase and I am constantly doubting myself. I really hate it. I really don't know what I need to do or if I have to somehow validate my masculinity or whatever. I am just generally confused. Sorry if this sounds whiny or anything.

I struggled with this for like 2-4 years. it lead to me attempting suicide, so I know your pain. something I can share is that their is nothing that you have to validate to anyone. You can dress however you like and still identify as whatever you identify as. Nobody can tell you what gender you are besides yourself. Take your time and relax transitioning is not a race. Find supportive people like a support group and talk to a therapist. if you decide you don't think you can transition then you have explored that side of you and hopefully it can erase some of the uncertainty you feel.