...actually it's not but I was trying to be humorous before embarking on a serious introduction.
My name is Paul (Shads works just fine) but I feel like I am Jane (the name I would have been given if I had been a girl). I turned 48 this summer but for the longest time I have always felt "different" and that I did not quite fit in. That I was on earth to just make up the numbers. I rarely seem to find happiness in pretty much everything I do.
I know that I have had happy moments in life, the general things, like getting my first job in 1983 a few months after leaving school, passing my driving test on the first attempt in the 90's and then getting a decent job with a local bus company, shunting around the yard and cleaning. However, I have spent more time out of work than in in the last 32 years.
This years I have been asking myself a question, am I Transgender and I think the answer is yes to some degree. Youtube and the web is a wonderful place to learn from. I think back to when I was a child watching tv shows with my Grandmother (black Beauty and Heidi in the early 70's and always wished I was the little girl in the show. I then remember getting out of the bath and wrapping a towel around my waist, thinking it was a skirt and that I looked like Mum.
Growing up I didn't like playing with the boys too much because of the rough games they played. I was skinny and weak. I got picked on by kids that were 2 and 3 years younger than me, boys and girls and I never fought back.
Fast forward to when I was 16 and my Mum caught me in her clothes. She was horrified to say the least and hoped it was just a phase. I dressed everyday at home for what seemed like 2 years but it was probably not that long. I had grown my hair and it was past my shoulders.
I used to go to meetings that were arranged by Beaumont Society but felt I didn't fit in there. Everyone was much older. Perhaps my cross dressing was just a sexual thing for me at that age, not having a girl friend, wanting one and trying to have one in strange way.
I had gotten hold of a book about sex and relationships and that is when I first learned about SRS. I had read about a Turkish singer called Bülent Ersoy and thought that was me, that is how I feel inside.
I made an appointment with my GP to discuss things but even though I went, I chickened out of saying how I felt. I was brought up in the way that men are men and girls are girls! I did not want to cause my Mum any grief or sadness.
One night I went for a walk in the neighbourhood and said hello to a lady. I saw her again some time later and 2 men came out of nowhere and accused me of scaring this woman. I said I don't know why she is scared, I am gay and walked off as fast as I can. I felt hot, bothered and so upset. I threw all my clothes away and had my hair cut the next day, number 2 clipper all over
Over the years I acquired a few items of clothing but NEVER ventured further than my back door. It always made me feel sick that I enjoyed the clothes because of who I am on the outside.
I tried to "man" up and grew a moustache, in a vague attempt to hide who I was. For 20 years it was there, not doing a good job. I tried to compensate in other ways too, I gambled when I was younger, did some drinking, tried to be manly with some of the pursuits I tried (and often failed at). I just wasn't a "normal" guy. I hate being around guys. I feel weak, inferior and always feel I have to apologize for being me. I played computer games and feel happiest when I am playing a female as it represents how I feel inside. The male characters I played were the sort of males that I had wished I was, but I am not. I have always identified myself as male though. Wherever I go in the real world in this male body or online with my female persona, I feel that I am a total fake. The 2 halves I have that make me person I am are just not joining properly, there is always a large crack in the middle.
I do not think that I have Dysphoria with any of my body parts, just what is often in my head and heart. I am attracted to woman and often think, like suspect a lot of others do, with what is between my legs and not what is between my ears. I feel safe around women and just want to be one of the girls.
My best friend of 16 years asked me if SRS would make me happy. I said I don't know. The thought of that is too far off in my mind. The thought of being female scares the hell out of me as all I have known is 48 years of the person I see looking back in the mirror.
I'd say I am totally confused but that's an understatment.
