Asking for advice - anxiety

[SwedenMtf]

I have a problem. Like a big one right now.

So 1 month and a few weeks ago I started to self-medicate. I started to self-medicate because after talking with a few doctors they said even tho I have an extraordinary heart condition they thought I'd be going through the process without a problem. So I started self medicate - and I told my friends and family right away.

Now my boobs are growing, there's fat behind them my nipples has been growing and they hurt like H***. and I've started to realize "What will I do if I can't do the surgery?" Because no doctor has really given me a straight answer - just what they think. Then I will stand there having boobs and being a hybrid male-female person that can have no surgery?

In my mind I can have the surgery. I've been put under anesthesia about 5 times where 3 out of them are large open-heart surgery. And the SRS takes about 1,5h to do.. and breast implants takes 45min. So in my mind I will be able to do them without a problem - but what if?!

So I called my cardiologist - who said that she will try get in contact with someone who knows more about the procedurs so she can make a statement wheater I can have the surgery or not. But she said it could take 2-3 months. She also said that she doesn't know that much about HTR - but she said girls that have my heart condition is advised not to take any birthcontroll pills that increases the risk of blood clots. That made me scared.

So.. I don't know if I can have the surgery, and if I continue with the medication I'm afraid I end up forever a ->-bleeped-<-. I'm also scared of blood clots now since she said what she said about girls having same heart condition as me is advised not to take birtcontroll pills.

I know the most logical thing is to stop self medicate until I know if I can have the surgery - and when I can be monitored by a doctor. But If I quit I feel like I might die. and If I continue I'm afraid too. If I stop and in 3 months know that I can have surgerys I will be so angry with myself that I stopped...Gaaah

All these thoughts.. Im trying to stay in bed - it feels like Im gonna go do something stupid if I leave my apartment.

[Jerri]

it is with my highest regard that I advise you to seek a professional gender therapist and do not engage in self diagnosis or self medication. walk into the process with knowledge and support to help YOU, this is not something that you will ever get to do without the proper steps being followed. the risk you are putting yourself in in my opinion is not acceptable. there are many support groups and medical facilities that can and will help you follow a path that will have the best results for you.

best wishes
Jerri

[Muffinheart]

Hmmm, I can't help but think if I were you, knowing what your doctors have said, why continue self medicating?
Seems they've told you there are risks, but your defying their advice.

Personally, I would have transitioned regardless of HRT. While popping pills seems comforting, they are not magic pills. You'll benefit somewhat, but there are other things that can contribute more to passing ie. Hair removal, trachea shaves, other surgeries, voice training.

I know of a few trans who had liver problems, and HRT isn't possible. It did not stop them from going full time. In fact, one of them has been a stewardess for years.

[Mariah]

This is something you really do need to talk over with your doctors and seek a good therapist to talk about. Secondly and most importantly, please don't self medicate you can cause yourself more health problems including ones with your heart as a result. It's extremely dangerous and I would hat seeing you not be able to continue transitioning or not be able to have the surgery as a result of your self medicating. As long as your health conditions are under control and your not a high risk of certain problems during or after the surgery their shouldn't be a reason they can't do it. I went full time before HRT and had all my legal documents updated for gender and name before HRT too. I was transitioning regardless of their being able to put me on HRT or being able to perform SRS. Three years ago they wouldn't have allowed me to since I was in terrible health so please do take care of yourself. Good luck and big hugs
Mariah

[femmebutt]

You won't find anyone here that will tell you different from the comments above.

But I will commend you on your resolve to follow your calling. That you would risk your own health, your very life, speaks to how committed you are to live fully as the person you know yourself to be. Perhaps your mortality is more keenly felt as a result of your medical issues. Harbinger. Urgency.

I don't think your situation  necessitates a trans or die approach, however. You have options.

[michelle82]

2-3 months is not that big of deal in the grand scheme of things. you should probably have a doctor check your bloodwork NOW even while self medicating and let them know what you are doing.

[kelly_aus]

I am going to comment on some of the other things you've said.

I find parts of this post quite rude to those trans women who are unable to have surgery due to medical reasons. Using myself as an example, I'm a woman, not some kind of male/female hybrid, regardless of what I may or may not have in my pants. AS for suggesting it makes me a ->-bleeped-<-, well, I don't do porn, so that's really heading towards offensive. Some people are unable to have surgery, or simply have no pressing need to have it, that doesn't make them any less of a woman.

[Susan]

Kelly they are from Sweden so there may be some language issues here .

[JoanneB]

If your "End Game" is to have GCS, look beautiful, and be fully and readily accepted as a woman, be deep stealth.... You REALLY need to get yourself to a Gender Therapist. No way is GCS going to happen without several recommendations.

With any heart condition most surgeons will be nervous performing an elective surgery. Your best course of action is to directly contact the potential surgeon or surgeons and get the answer straight from the one whose license and reputation is at risk. This may also require more specialist recommendations such as a cardiologist clearance. Of course whatever they say today will not carry much weight in a year or two or more when GCS time comes around

And +1 with Kelly. Many of us don't plan on or want GCS. In my case the last thing in the world I am worried about is a Crocodile Dundee "Panty Check".