Just venting…I feel my head is blowing up….

[Kelly_1979]

I know I need to do a lot of things and shouldn't really being complaining but my emotions have been like crazy. One day I'm happy because I'm sure I'm a girl but next day I'm self-conscious of how I look and how many issues I have to overcome (receding – sparse temples, terribly body hair etc) and feel fake and very depressed.
This got more intense after the 2nd therapist visit when he kinda told me a have a female identity (I knew this but still...). The only other time I've felt like this is 10 years ago when I was considering transitioning but got convinced by some sex psychiatrist that I was 100% not trans. Just now it's different. It's not that intense nonetheless quite painful. Now I'm more apathetic towards many things and the future.

Even listening to songs that make feel like a girl, now I almost can't stand doing it 'cause it hurts too badly.

The most logical thing to do it take the issues one at a time but I can't think of a way right now.

Currently I try avoiding my parents (although I live with them) because it's too stressful talking with/ to them. They keep thinking I'll have to work out this somehow as a guy (they think of me as a guy - even a guy who wants to be a girl).
When I'm out with others I try to be (or pretend to be) a guy...I don't feel ready for things becoming known...at least not until I start doing something obvious.

Other times it's like this matter doesn't exist at all but when I see or hear or think or feel something...there we go again. I know I'm probably saying the same things I've said before but it's how I feel now.

I just feel so empty...

[Kelly_1979]

Now I feel stupid for writing this yesterday. I know I need to think positive and try to ignore certain feelings or suggestions.

What I keep finding out by reading other people's posts is that many of them are not happy with how they look (after transition) and keep seeing their "old self", when in my eyes I see them as gorgeous and having achieved what they wanted.

edit:

ok, I keep editing but nevermind... this is a venting (whining too heh) thread anyway

These days I may accidentally remember my teenage years, trying to be "right", setting timelines "I'll do that until I reach x years age", wasting time wishing I was someone else or fantasizing. I feel I've tried to cling to my youth until now, trying to postpone things but not dealing with the issues; a bit like I've wasted my years. It's like all these years I have been trying either to suppress, control or ignore my feelings.

Many years ago I would think of this as a "kinky secret" or some other thing. I can't understand how all these years passed without me trying to do something. Still am more of a hermit....