Hello all. It's been a bit over a month since my last post here, partially because I never have anything to say and partially because I tend to read forum threads and rarely post anything. I think this is the closest category for my post, so please excuse (or move to a better category) this post.
My sense of being the incorrect sex, or dysphoria, has been consistent for about nine months now, and had always existed somewhat in my childhood, though not as explicit. It was much more a subconscious thing. I have tried to analyze my feelings, tried to pin down exactly how and what I feel, but I've not been able to. It's like when you stare at a painting you've made, or a paper you've written for so long that you can no longer tell whether or not it's good. So I've reached a mental block, if you will, that prevents me from being able to make any conclusions about what I'm feeling.
The problem is: I'm not quite sure what I'm asking. I require some validation, both in trans concepts and in feelings. The feelings being that inevitable waterfall of shame and guilt that I am struggling to get past, and as I've been reading, a fair lot of trans people struggle to get past. The former is more difficult. As I've been reading, it appears I am a particularly unique case.
I have almost no preconceived notions about gender. I have no assigned actions or roles. I see nothing unfeminine in anger, construction, sports. I see nothing unmasculine in poetry, emotions, baking. Even clothing is neutral in my mind. It takes me a minute to see what is "out of place" when a male is wearing a skirt, because I don't see anything wrong at first. I don't mean to suggest that those who do see these distinctions, who do have things categorized this way, are in any way wrong. If their feelings or decisions are based upon these distinctions and gender roles, then they are entirely legitimate as far as my understanding goes.
My point in regards to myself is that I have no desire to change from male to female in order to behave a certain way. It is not that I want to do feminine things, so I should be a girl – I can do feminine things and be male, and I see no issue with that. It is entirely the feeling of being female and not male that I want. To look at myself and know, "I am a girl," would provide me not bubbly joy, but simple comfort. Relaxation. A sense of rightness.
In addition, I do experience vague ghost feelings, particularly in my hips, that suggest a more female shape. However, I have always had a powerful imagination, and it is possible that I am simply forcing imaginary feelings.
I recall that when my father tried to teach me how to shave, I ran into the other room, because it made me very uncomfortable. Shaving was a "boy" thing to do, and I somehow felt it was not for me. When my parents tried to teach me about puberty, I tossed their books away. Everything about the male body disgusted and made me uncomfortable. (It should be noted my parents had only some opposition to homosexuality, so I was never taught not to like male bodies.)
My friends have always been girls majorly, with little exception. I have always "fit in" better with girls, again, not for any reason of action or demeanor, but simply because they were girls. I am also swept under a great fear, that one day the psychologists will say that being trans is some product of Freudian repression, that we were all just abused or confused. That these feelings are not the result of inconvenient genetic mutations, or of an unfortunate fetal hormone wash, but that we're all just seeking attention and not wanting to admit it. I hear it too often that transition is a poor decision.
But doesn't the data conflict with that? Doesn't the overwhelming amount of satisfied SRS patients, the number of people who feel so much better, show that transitioning is usually a good idea? Again, I don't really know what I am asking for you all to respond with. Some confirmation that I am not insane, confirming for me that what I feel makes me trans or something thereof. I keep shying away from admitting to myself that I am trans, or whichever word, and I suppose I need confirmation that my feelings are legitimate.
- Valiya
