After how long should we break the silence of stealthing to a serious partner?

[Evolving Beauty]

Girls, as the worst type of stealths I've learnt by experience of life mine and others that no matter how beautiful, passable you are and even you had all your papers changed. TRUTH DO BREAKS OUT BY THE END NO MATTER WHAT. I'm borderline to enter in a serious relationship. I'm just wondering when is the right moment to thrash out to your partner? 1 month? 2? 3? 6? 1 year? It's too tough & heavy to tell straightaway. It's by extreme rejections in the past that I always stealthed for sex or for frivolous stuff but this one is f... serious. I can't tell immediately to give him time to know me and digest me but can't hide for long neither. So the experts in long term relationships, please guide me.

[Sunderland]

I'm not stealth and never have been, but if you want to tell him and are looking for the right moment, I'd say whenever you're at a point where you feel you have both gotten to know each other fairly well and things are getting serious (putting a strict time on it doesn't seem reasonable to me, since relationships progress at different paces).

*hugs* Good luck, sweetie.

[Rejennyrated]

25 year long relationship long enough for you? Sadly I'm now widowed, but I met my late partner when I was already several years post-op.

While I don't "advertise" my history I've never concealed it either, and I've never had a broken relationship because of it.

I concur with Sunderland. The right time to "tell" is earlier rather than later, but with no specific time limit in mind. For me its just one of those things that I slip casually into the conversation when getting to know someone much as you might for example mention a previous divorce.

It probably helps to be dating someone educated and intelligent, but if you present it as no big deal, nine time out of ten I've found they don't either.

[Muffinheart]

I'd rather be rejected upfront than down the road when you've gotten to know each other.
Every vanilla dating site I've been on I've been open about who I am. I don't want to deal with the awkard convo later on.
Guy I'm engaged to, we met prior to my surgery last year.
There are great guys out there, no doubt, but must be patient.

[joannaelyse]

I've tried everything: putting it out there before we even go on a date, telling after a couple dates, telling after a month or two (before the serious relationship starts) and being with someone for 6 months or more and never telling. Here's my analysis of each method.

1. Telling Right Away: The good thing is that you don't have to deal with the anxiety of rejection while going out with the person. The negative part is that there are a good number of people who won't be comfortable, so you are constantly opening yourself up to be rejected. Also if you live in a small community, you may not want everyone to know about your past, and this is a way for it to get around fast. However, all the people you go out with know about you and you won't be wasting your time as much.

2. Telling After One or Two Dates: This still allows for you to tell your truth pretty early before heavy feelings get involved. The problem is that the person has an idea of you already in their minds and they are now confused and have to re-evaluate. In my opinion, this method isn't great. It's too soon to allow a connection to form for them to be attached to you, and it's too late to be considered really up front and honest.

3. Telling Only When The Relationship Is About to Get Serious: The positive side of this method is that it allows the person to get to know you well before you tell them about your history. They likely have formed a good connection with you and have some attachments. It is likely going to be harder for them to reject you. However, they very well might feel deceived. They have started to form feelings for someone whom they now have a completely different understanding of. This can take a toll on the relationship, and cause them to distance themselves or leave. This also makes you more vulnerable because now your heart is invested, and could get broken if they decide to leave because of your history.

4. Not Telling At All: If you pass well, this may work for a little while (as long as you don't live in a town where everyone knows and is going to tell your partner). This really affects your ability to allow the relationship to develop to a serious level though. You won't be able to share much about your life without embellishing or re-writing your story for the sake of non-disclosure. You may feel closed-off and like you aren't being authentic. In my experience, these relationships never became serious because I could never invest my full authentic self into them. The relationships stayed pretty surface-level and casual even after a matter of months. Also, there's a chance they could find out and be REALLY pissed. This puts you at risk not only for your heart getting broken but for you being a victim of violence.


So with all of these options considered, I'd choose option 1 if you have the ability to be out in your community, and I'd choose option 3 if you are not comfortable being out in your community and/or it is not safe for you to be out as trans.

-Jo

[suzifrommd]

My therapist has been working with trans women for more than 20 years. She says she's never seen a relationship between a cis man and a trans woman survive the man finding out that the woman is trans. The only relationships she's seen last is when the man knew at the very start.

[Muffinheart]

My therapist has been working with trans women for more than 20 years. She says she's never seen a relationship between a cis man and a trans woman survive the man finding out that the woman is trans. The only relationships she's seen last is when the man knew at the very start.

Yep, I agree 100%!

[herekitten]

I know how you must be feeling with that mix of dread and anxiousness to just get it over with. I was just talking with my husband about this topic last night in attempts to get a male perspective and voila! - your question. I am not an expert and my relationship with my husband did begin with him knowing from the onset (long story). Up to meeting him, I had never experienced a relationship with no hindrance emotionally, spiritually or physically. We are now on year 17 - I think. Husband said it would not have mattered what is twixt my legs because he loves me. I in turn posed the same question to him and me how he would disclose that if he had a vagina where a penis should be. Would I love him any less after getting to him? The answer is no -- I would love him no less. I do not know how I would handle a vagina on a man, but if my emotion is deep and true, I probably could because as they say -- love conquers all.   I am greatly hoping you will experience the same.

All relationships preceding him were with gentlemen whom I had to disclose about my female problem at some point when I felt it was time and they were the caliber of  individual I was looking for in a mate (husband material).  One thing I always avoided when having the conversation was never to mention or allude to anything male, man, boy, trans, etc. I always approached as a matter of fact problem in girl town.  I'll never forget my ex-husband's remark of "I love you no less" -- now that, to me, is a gentleman (we were married 16 years). There were other questions and I was straightforward with him after that awful moment of having the 'talk'. 

I've had other long relationships prior to my ex and I often wish I could call each of them and ask them to critique our "talk" so I could gain some insight from it.   So back to your question of when to have the 'talk'. To me, it sounds like it is time. It sounds like he is someone worth taking that risk with and perhaps you could preface your talk with that. Just take a deep breath in and let it out, once more and say "You mean so much to me and I am about to take a risk with you........    "   fill in the blanks.   oh and please be somewhere that you feel safe. I did it in a Mexican restaurant once while he ate the speedy #2.  BIG HUG and be brave and strong. Wish I could be holding your hand when you do it but you will have quite a few holding it via cyber world when you do. 

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[joannaelyse]

My therapist has been working with trans women for more than 20 years. She says she's never seen a relationship between a cis man and a trans woman survive the man finding out that the woman is trans. The only relationships she's seen last is when the man knew at the very start.

Your therapist hasn't seen everything. One boyfriend I had didn't know until 2 months into our relationship. When I told him, it was not a big deal to him at all and we stayed together. I broke up with him later on for completely separate reasons having nothing to do with my history.

[awilliams1701]

I'm planning on leaving it in my OK cupid profile no matter what. If I met someone without online dating I would make sure to bring it up by at least the 3rd date no matter how well I pass. If she can't deal with me being trans then she doesn't get me.

[Evolving Beauty]

I've tried everything: putting it out there before we even go on a date, telling after a couple dates, telling after a month or two (before the serious relationship starts) and being with someone for 6 months or more and never telling. Here's my analysis of each method.

1. Telling Right Away: The good thing is that you don't have to deal with the anxiety of rejection while going out with the person. The negative part is that there are a good number of people who won't be comfortable, so you are constantly opening yourself up to be rejected. Also if you live in a small community, you may not want everyone to know about your past, and this is a way for it to get around fast. However, all the people you go out with know about you and you won't be wasting your time as much.

2. Telling After One or Two Dates: This still allows for you to tell your truth pretty early before heavy feelings get involved. The problem is that the person has an idea of you already in their minds and they are now confused and have to re-evaluate. In my opinion, this method isn't great. It's too soon to allow a connection to form for them to be attached to you, and it's too late to be considered really up front and honest.

3. Telling Only When The Relationship Is About to Get Serious: The positive side of this method is that it allows the person to get to know you well before you tell them about your history. They likely have formed a good connection with you and have some attachments. It is likely going to be harder for them to reject you. However, they very well might feel deceived. They have started to form feelings for someone whom they now have a completely different understanding of. This can take a toll on the relationship, and cause them to distance themselves or leave. This also makes you more vulnerable because now your heart is invested, and could get broken if they decide to leave because of your history.

4. Not Telling At All: If you pass well, this may work for a little while (as long as you don't live in a town where everyone knows and is going to tell your partner). This really affects your ability to allow the relationship to develop to a serious level though. You won't be able to share much about your life without embellishing or re-writing your story for the sake of non-disclosure. You may feel closed-off and like you aren't being authentic. In my experience, these relationships never became serious because I could never invest my full authentic self into them. The relationships stayed pretty surface-level and casual even after a matter of months. Also, there's a chance they could find out and be REALLY pissed. This puts you at risk not only for your heart getting broken but for you being a victim of violence.


So with all of these options considered, I'd choose option 1 if you have the ability to be out in your community, and I'd choose option 3 if you are not comfortable being out in your community and/or it is not safe for you to be out as trans.

-Jo

CLAP! CLAP!! CLAP!!!

I think I'll go for number 3. It sounds the one that suits me the best. My friend is a super No.4 and they always come to know at some point, and she even managed to retain some at her feet for up to 6 months, WORSE THAT TOO AS PRE-OP. If it was up to me I'd feel suffocated with No.4 and waste my time if they left. No.1 I'd feel like a FREAK, I HATE very much to say what I am in general and rejection rate will be TOO HIGH & TOO RISKY, worse straightaway. No.2 he wouldn't be attached to me that much and can breakaway easily still, so not really. No.3 I might feel at a comfortable level to thrash out and now that he'd be sufficiently under my claw with a minimum true feeling, it'd be the best time for him to prove whether his love would be real or not.

[joannaelyse]

CLAP! CLAP!! CLAP!!!

I think I'll go for number 3. It sounds the one that suits me the best. My friend is a super No.4 and they always come to know at some point, and she even managed to retain some at her feet for up to 6 months, WORSE THAT TOO AS PRE-OP. If it was up to me I'd feel suffocated with No.4 and waste my time if they left. No.1 I'd feel like a FREAK, I HATE very much to say what I am in general and rejection rate will be TOO HIGH & TOO RISKY, worse straightaway. No.2 he wouldn't be attached to me that much and can breakaway easily still, so not really. No.3 I might feel at a comfortable level to thrash out and now that he'd be sufficiently under my claw with a minimum true feeling, it'd be the best time for him to prove whether his love would be real or not.

Totally. I think that is absolutely your right to wait for the right moment. I have been doing #1 lately just because I work for an LGBT Resource Center so I wouldn't be able to conceal it very well in my current community and I'd rather have it out there at the start. But I think #3 is a more realistic option for some people's comfort levels. You gotta do what makes sense to you at the end of the day.

[ana1111]

I don't really get why people do this in relationships... are you post op? cause if so I guess I can kinda understand it but if your pre op...why? even a guy who could be open or accepting is gunna more than likely feel cheated and lied to if your waiting months or...a year...one or two dates of just letting him get to know you is fine and understandable but that's it

[Evolving Beauty]

I don't really get why people do this in relationships... are you post op? cause if so I guess I can kinda understand it but if your pre op...why? even a guy who could be open or accepting is gunna more than likely feel cheated and lied to if your waiting months or...a year...one or two dates of just letting him get to know you is fine and understandable but that's it

I'm post-op.

[Zoetrope]

Yikes.

Look, in any serious relationship, you need to have a foundation of openness and honesty.

Of course it's hard to be open about some things straight up.

But if you put it off, your intended other is going to have a rude shock, and ask themselves - ''Who is this person that I thought I knew? Is there anything *else* being hidden from me?''

I am 100% against hiding what we are. Not on any moral principle, I just think its setting oneself up for a big fall.

[cindianna_jones]

I told my guy on our second date. We'd already had several backpacking trips together with other friends so we knew each other pretty well. He had been saying he loved me for weeks. And on that night he started getting extremely fresh. I asked him to stop. I was ready to kick him to stop. But finally he broke his steam and asked why? I said that it was complicated and then I told him. It didn't slow him down a bit. We lasted 24 years together until last September. The reason we broke up? He needed a "real woman."

There are no guarantees with relationships. Bad stuff happens to a lot of people not just us benders. But I think that the time to tell is before you have intercourse or other very intimate relations. There's nothing like a pumped up testosterone manly man thinking he's queer because he's just had intercourse with a ->-bleeped-<-. It could be dangerous.

Oddly enough, it's those same types who will single out a transwoman and gang rape her for who she is. Frankly, I don't get any of it. I'm staying single.

Cindi

[joannaelyse]

I told my guy on our second date. We'd already had several backpacking trips together with other friends so we knew each other pretty well. He had been saying he loved me for weeks. And on that night he started getting extremely fresh. I asked him to stop. I was ready to kick him to stop. But finally he broke his steam and asked why? I said that it was complicated and then I told him. It didn't slow him down a bit. We lasted 24 years together until last September. The reason we broke up? He needed a "real woman."

There are no guarantees with relationships. Bad stuff happens to a lot of people not just us benders. But I think that the time to tell is before you have intercourse or other very intimate relations. There's nothing like a pumped up testosterone manly man thinking he's queer because he's just had intercourse with a ->-bleeped-<-. It could be dangerous.

Oddly enough, it's those same types who will single out a transwoman and gang rape her for who she is. Frankly, I don't get any of it. I'm staying single.

Cindi

Wow that guy sounds like a douche bag. I'm sorry he did that to you. And though its your choice to stay single, you never know. Someone special could be out there who is really good for you and would be good to you.

Not all guys are douche bags. I think our community needs to realize that and open ourselves up to those who are worthy of our time.

[LizMarie]

I am not yet involved in the dating scene but can offer some of my own thoughts on the topic.

1. I chose to not be involved til I am post-op. This is a personal decision and I won't say anyone else is right or wrong, but for me this is necessary.

2. Given my age and the reactions of men in my age group, I needed to come to grips with, early in my transition, whether I could stand to live alone for the rest of my life. I decided that yes, I can and would rather be myself alone than a fake shell with someone who doesn't love the real me.

3. Given #1 and #2 above, I decided when I do begin dating, that this information will be "out there" from the very start. My therapist says she has seen relationships for transwomen survive disclosure after the relationship has formed but it appears to be far rarer than relationships that were above board from the start. Obviously, some people have success at telling someone later on but to me, personally, I would rather just have that information up front. If someone can't handle who I am, that's their issue, not mine.


Again, the above is my thoughts about my own situation only! I certainly would not condemn or judge any of you for choosing differently. Each of us has to find what works for us and that varies because we're all unique.

[mfox]

My therapist has been working with trans women for more than 20 years. She says she's never seen a relationship between a cis man and a trans woman survive the man finding out that the woman is trans. The only relationships she's seen last is when the man knew at the very start.

This is what I've heard too.  To be honest, stealth / deep stealth has always worried me.  Some people who might otherwise be happy and accepting of you as trans will become really upset (or even furious, abusive, or worse) if they feel they've been deceived or lied to (even if it wasn't on purpose).  And obviously this question will be at the back of your mind, like some secret.  So I agree with telling your partner early, but how to do it..