One of the most amazing experiences you can ever have in life is "gender freedom." That point where you finally realize that, no matter how you act, no matter what you say, people are still going to see you as exactly the self that you see yourself as.
This is a post coming from someone who has now been full-time for about one year, and is just now looking back on my pre-transition self and realizing just how much I was holding myself back.
I believe every trans* person has experienced this in one regard or another. A lot of people are so scared of having their "secret" revealed that they overcompensate, forcing themselves into this limited range of stereotypical masculinity/femininity and doing EVERYTHING they can to make sure they're seen as a normal member of their birth sex.
In my case, I did exactly the opposite. I hated the image of the "typical guy." Every time someone looked at me and automatically assumed that I was one of those dickish dudebro guys, it killed me. So I did everything possible in my power to NOT be seen as one of them, and to make absolutely sure that NOBODY treated me like that. If I had to be seen as a guy by people, I reasoned, I refused to be seen as one of "those guys" that I hated. Which means that I limited myself to only doing things that weren't stereotypically-masculine. I did everything in my power to not be a dudebro, I never drank, I made sure I never did what I saw as stupid stereotypical-guy things, I made absolute sure that I treated everyone as nicely, as friendly, and with as passive of an attitude as possible, I never swore or spoke in an obscene manner, I hated myself for my own sex drive, I refused to be one of those guys who was constantly objectifying girls. Basically, I forced myself to barely be alive because I was so determined to not be seen as a normal guy... I forced myself to be this closed-off person whose only character trait was being nice.
About a week ago, now post-transition, I caught myself swearing at another car in anger. And I realized something amazing. I didn't care anymore. Because swearing no longer made me one of "those guys," it just made me a girl who got angry at things sometimes just like everyone does. I mean, I wouldn't want to be seen as a bitch by people, but I know that the way I swear in frustration isn't to the degree that it's abnormal and bitchy, it's just a normal level of emotional outbursts that everyone has. It's what you'd expect from a typical woman with a typical occasionally-stressful life. And I realized, I am totally 100% okay with that. This same level of perfectly-acceptable swearing would have made me hate myself pre-transition because I would have hated the notion of being seen as a normal guy. But now? There is NO WAY that I can EVER be seen as one of "those guys." Even if I acted and did things in as stereotypical of a masculine manner as possible, nobody would see me as one of "those guys" now, because, well, I'm a girl. So no matter what I do, people are still going to be seeing me as a girl, the self that I see myself as in my head. At worst I'm going to be seen as a woman with anger issues. But I don't care! They're still seeing me as a woman. They're still seeing me as a self congruent with who I actually am.
I felt so free after I realized that... because it means my entire life isn't this constant defensive struggle to somehow try and get people to understand that I want them to see me like they see a girl, not like they see a "typical guy." Now, I don't have to anymore. I am me! And I can't stop them from seeing me as me no matter WHAT I do!
I've now had three people who I knew pre-transition and met again later tell me "you are so much happier now. You're actually talking to people, and actually smiling, and you actually look like you're living life."
The further I go along in transition, the more I realize that I wasn't really living my life before. I'd shut myself off in my own little corner of the world where nobody could judge me. Where now I feel completely free to act exactly as I want and like the things I like, because no matter what those things are, people are finally seeing the self on the outside that I see myself as.
This is one aspect of transition that I don't think really gets enough exposure in mainstream media, which is why I want to talk about it. It's not even about the body... it's not about the freedom to be socially "allowed" to do the things that your identity gender does. Because both guys and girls can do masculine or feminine things, both guys and girls can be nice or be obscene. It's not about that. It's about the feeling that you actually are the self you've always seen yourself as regardless of what you do, and the sheer freedom that comes from knowing that other people are going to see you that way no matter what... that whether doing masculine or feminine things, your external self finally matches your internal self. Yes, it's worth it. It is SO worth it.
And no, this isn't even about having a perfectly-gender-conforming body. I actually still don't really like my body. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself physically for having gone through a male puberty, or for still being stuck with the anatomy of my birth sex. But in terms of social freedom, in terms of finally being free to live my life and be the self that I've always seen myself as, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
So this is just a friendly little message to encourage everyone to be themselves, no matter what that self is. Because when other people finally see you as that self that you've always seen yourself as, and when you're loved and accepted and seen as that authentic self no matter what instead of as a self that you hate, there is nothing in this world that will make you happier.
