FtMs with straight husbands - what are your experiences?

[Bunter]

Luca-
I've known a couple where both were crossdressers, but when the ftm started to transition, the mtf couldn't deal with it. When you are attracted to women only, and are in a relationship with a woman (or what you perceive to be one), you can't just give that up. Some people can't adjust to being in a relationship with a man, even though they still love the person.
Who we are attracted to is also part of our own identity, so that a transitioning partner has an effect on our own identity too.

I'm into men, I could date a crossdresser, but not a trans woman because being with a woman really affects my self perception in that I feel wrong/not myself in that constellation.

[Jeremy]

Adrian, sorry I am late to post a reply, but I hope things are working out. I was in a similar situation as your husband is, and just wanted to give some hope that things can be ok if you do decide to transition.
My husband didn't come out to me until long after he had already decided to transition, and after already several sessions with his therapist. When I first met "her", I was attracted to the tomboy appearance, and assertive personality which he had at the time. Over time, going from dating to marriage, his tomboy appearence became more masculine, from his clothing to mannerizims, to haircut. I was still just as attracted, but had no clue what he was going through.
A couple summers ago we were out in public and "she", (how I though of her then)was mistaken for a guy several times. I made a comment to her about it, and that's what lead to her coming out to me.
His mind was already made up about it, so I guess that is where our situationis different. It was made clear to me that I would have to accept it, or at least try.
I was very shocked, but also took the time to research, and eventually went to a therapist. Yes, I admit I didn't want to lose the woman I loved, but realized it was my choice to stay.
I am glad I did! He is still the same person in many ways, we enjoy all of the same things we did before, some new ones too.
I am glad he made his decision on his own, because really it was his choice alone. I hope you do what you feel is right for yourself first and foremost. I think life is too short not to be the person you are. With luck, and lots of communication, I hope your husband can be as open as I was. It's not easy though! Feel free to message me anytime, or your husband as well.  My husband has been on T for 1 year and 2 months now, and there are so many things that happen I can advise on. Best wishes to you both

[zukhlo]

Hey Adrian!  Sorry to hear about your troubles, early transition is a stressful time especially when you're involved with someone.  I'm not married, but I realized I was trans when I'd been with my straight boyfriend for 3 years.  We were both scared and worried at first about what it meant for us.  I've been transitioning for over a year now, we are still together and the best we've ever been.  We both assumed at first that he would lose his attraction to me as the hormones effects started to take place, but actually the opposite has happened and he seems to like me even more these days.  He's never been bi-curious or anything like that in the past, so IDK if that means he's pansexual or what but I'm not complaining.
Transitioning has made communication a lot easier between us, I guess because we are both guys and we're on the same wavelength now I'm on T.  It's very cool being buddies, as well as being in a relationship.  We've had to re-learn a few behaviors...we can't kiss each other in public anywhere we want, or hold hands if we don't want to get looks.

It seems like the ground has changed somewhat...I'm no longer sure exactly what characterizes a 'relationship' but ours is definitely not the same as it used to be.  With my dysphoria, our sex life has come to an impasse and I'm not sure what's going to happen with that, but it's not a dealbreaker so far.  It's a strange ride.  Give it time to see where things go, and try not to freak out in the meantime...I mean, I think any straight guy would falter at the thought of making out with a stubbly face, but when the changes actually come around he might like it more than he thought he would.  After all most people are a little bit bi. 
And changes don't happen overnight.  It's understandable for him to be hesitant, since he's probably picturing the muscular, hairy creature you'll become.  But it'll happen slowly enough that he may find himself getting used to things he thought would be a big deal.
Best of luck to you, I really hope things work out!

[adrian]

Jeremy and Zukhlo,

thank you so much for sharing your stories! You give me hope.

We're still doing counseling, but I'm not sure it's really getting us anywhere. I'm learning stuff about myself though, also in the sessions with my therapist. I love my husband, but I'm beginning to accept that I cannot sacrifice myself for him. I have never been "happy" or at peace with myself in my life. I really would like to have the chance to experience some of this before I'm through with this life. My husband is giving me stability and love, but he cannot change how I feel about myself. I hope we will make it, but I'm beginning to accept there is a chance we might not. I'm scared of the consequences... getting a divorce, selling the house, burying this dream we had of a life together... But I also want to have a chance to be "me".

Adrian, sorry I am late to post a reply, but I hope things are working out. I was in a similar situation as your husband is, and just wanted to give some hope that things can be ok if you do decide to transition.
My husband didn't come out to me until long after he had already decided to transition, and after already several sessions with his therapist. When I first met "her", I was attracted to the tomboy appearance, and assertive personality which he had at the time. Over time, going from dating to marriage, his tomboy appearence became more masculine, from his clothing to mannerizims, to haircut. I was still just as attracted, but had no clue what he was going through.
A couple summers ago we were out in public and "she", (how I though of her then)was mistaken for a guy several times. I made a comment to her about it, and that's what lead to her coming out to me.
His mind was already made up about it, so I guess that is where our situationis different. It was made clear to me that I would have to accept it, or at least try.
I was very shocked, but also took the time to research, and eventually went to a therapist. Yes, I admit I didn't want to lose the woman I loved, but realized it was my choice to stay.
I am glad I did! He is still the same person in many ways, we enjoy all of the same things we did before, some new ones too.
I am glad he made his decision on his own, because really it was his choice alone. I hope you do what you feel is right for yourself first and foremost. I think life is too short not to be the person you are. With luck, and lots of communication, I hope your husband can be as open as I was. It's not easy though! Feel free to message me anytime, or your husband as well.  My husband has been on T for 1 year and 2 months now, and there are so many things that happen I can advise on. Best wishes to you both

Hey Adrian!  Sorry to hear about your troubles, early transition is a stressful time especially when you're involved with someone.  I'm not married, but I realized I was trans when I'd been with my straight boyfriend for 3 years.  We were both scared and worried at first about what it meant for us.  I've been transitioning for over a year now, we are still together and the best we've ever been.  We both assumed at first that he would lose his attraction to me as the hormones effects started to take place, but actually the opposite has happened and he seems to like me even more these days.  He's never been bi-curious or anything like that in the past, so IDK if that means he's pansexual or what but I'm not complaining.
Transitioning has made communication a lot easier between us, I guess because we are both guys and we're on the same wavelength now I'm on T.  It's very cool being buddies, as well as being in a relationship.  We've had to re-learn a few behaviors...we can't kiss each other in public anywhere we want, or hold hands if we don't want to get looks.

It seems like the ground has changed somewhat...I'm no longer sure exactly what characterizes a 'relationship' but ours is definitely not the same as it used to be.  With my dysphoria, our sex life has come to an impasse and I'm not sure what's going to happen with that, but it's not a dealbreaker so far.  It's a strange ride.  Give it time to see where things go, and try not to freak out in the meantime...I mean, I think any straight guy would falter at the thought of making out with a stubbly face, but when the changes actually come around he might like it more than he thought he would.  After all most people are a little bit bi. 
And changes don't happen overnight.  It's understandable for him to be hesitant, since he's probably picturing the muscular, hairy creature you'll become.  But it'll happen slowly enough that he may find himself getting used to things he thought would be a big deal.
Best of luck to you, I really hope things work out!

[Wanderer]

I'm really interested to see this thread because I'm in the same situation. My husband is straight, says he does not want to be with a guy. As previous posters have mentioned, I can understand where he's coming from. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this is going to be a very long process, probably stretching out over several years.
My other question is about how to address this with our kid. We have a 8 year old. Can anyone share any experience transitioning in a family with school age children?

[adrian]

Wanderer, I don't have kids, so I can't say anything about this. There are some threads on this topic here and there though -- you're not alone in dealing with this.

So as for me, it looks like the verdict on my marriage is separation. It's not working out and it just never will. My husband told me he will split up with me if/when I decide for HRT. He doesn't want to see what will happen and what the changes will be. It's his right to make this decision and I don't think it was easy for him.

I see how much he suffers and this is the worst bit for me. I feel such overriding guilt towards him and my family, I nearly decided to go ahead and leave this world because I couldn't stand this feeling anymore. So I think this is what I need to work on with my therapist at the moment -- the guilt (this isn't a new sentiment, I've felt guilty all my life). I need to work through this before I can start transitioning.

[Atypical]

It sucks, but this is an incredibly common thing. Odd thing is that it's not just in long-term relationships that you'll deal with this-- it will follow you for the rest of your life.

I have a guy friend who's had the hots for me for nearly two decades, ever since we were kids. He was incredibly confused when I started to transition, not because of personality (I've always been a guy to him) but because of the physical aspects.

Sexuality is partly defined by gendered behavior preference (masculine/feminine, etc) and partly by physical sex characteristics. Some people don't really care what characteristics you have, while for others it's kind of hardwired.

I like the male body. I like it to a point that I sincerely could not be intimate with another FtM because I would find it physically unfulfilling (god knows I've tried), even though I could care less if the mind attached is male or female. It sucks, given that it gives me a distinct level of awareness that plenty of other people in the world have the same feelings about me, and nobody is to blame. Sexuality is just something that you're born with.

Your husband probably loves you and it seems to me that he's really been putting in effort to understand and see what he can and can't handle. But in the end, he's hardwired to be attracted to a fully female body.

Being trans is a pain. I hate that we can never 'completely' be male and we sure as hell aren't female. I hate that sexuality often is very rigid, complex and inarguable. But it is what it is, and it's a good idea to accept that and be aware that chances are, you'll come across this in the future when dating and whatnot. Assuming you two part ways, of course.

[Clever]

Adrian, now that I've read your story I feel like I could have written it myself.

When I brought up the topic of my gender questioning to my husband and the hopes that I might transition one day, he lost it. I heard all kinds of angry rebuttals from "This is a phase--you have these phases and this is just another one of them" to "Well, I need to know right now if I'm ever going to have sex again" to "You need to tell your parents, and if you don't I will" to "This is a really big decision and you have to know you're not just playing around here--this will hurt a lot of people."

And now, after that initial conversation, we haven't mentioned it again. Now his reactions have become entirely passive aggressive. Standing at my closet and sighing dramatically at all my button downs and ties. Rolling his eyes when I dress in tie and vest for work or for social events. Scoffing at each new item of "male" clothing I bring into the house. Complaining "didn't you just get a haircut?" whenever I come home with my fade trimmed up. It's a million little hurts, every day.

The wrinkle for me, as I told you elsewhere, is that he's completely financially dependent on me. I'm the only breadwinner. He hasn't held a job since we got married seven years ago because he claims he's "too shy" to work outside of the home. I do all the big stuff around the house, from yardwork, to cleaning the house, to paying the bills, to making sure we have heating oil, to dealing with the neighbors. He does the grocery shopping and cooks, period, end of story. He has told me that if he leaves me because I transition and he has to go live with his mother, he will kill himself. Nice, huh?

I'm wracked with guilt over this. I feel like I'm destroying someone's life. Because without me, he won't have a house, or money, or any kind of support system at all. And he's made it clear that if I transition, he's got to leave. Right now, we sleep in different rooms and as far as intimacy goes, that ceased back in September. I feel like I have a really crappy roommate, nothing more. But he won't leave of his own volition--he wants me to make the first big move here (so he can blame me for ruining his life, most likely. He's very good at assigning blame).

So. Wow. That was rambling.

I guess what I want to say is I know your pain. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy. We've been together for 19 years. Almost two decades. But now...I don't see how our marriage will survive this.

Thanks for everyone for posting to this thread. It helps so much to feel like I'm not the only one going through this.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Adrian & Clever

You know, it's a very hard situation.  You find yourself a long way down the road with a significant other, and one day, whether fast or slowly, a bird flies into your brain and tells you that something needs to change.  And there goes the relationship you expected to last for ever.  It happened to me... I had resigned myself to a certain level of happiness and unhappiness, and that's what life was going to be. 

But now, with the perspective of 4 years of being single, I have achieved the self-realisation that was burning away at me for decades.  In that sense, as long as you can independently continue to evolve emotionally, financially, socially and physically (a special category for us trans folk) I consider it a journey worth taking.

Yes, there are regrets.  The end of a long-term relationship causes a lot of destruction and emotional pain.  I'm rueful of the financial losses we incurred when we split, but I still terribly feel the emotional hurt I inflicted on a person whose good points outweighed her bad ones.  I still now miss the emotional closeness, but I do balance this with the absolute conviction that I needed to do something fundamental for myself.

There's no way to soften the emotional blow that comes with a separation, but if it comes with a project of self-realisation, you have a goal to focus on.  And the pain and guilt do diminish as you build your new existence.

Julia

[adrian]

Hi Clever,

oh my, I can relate to many of the things you wrote. The clothes, the haircuts... Most mornings, he doesn't even communicate in complete sentences with me anymore. I'm lucky if I get a grunted "morning". This part actually makes me very angry. That he can't at least treat me with respect. And I totally understand what you mean about the crappy roommate. It's literally the same here (only that he earns a lot more money than I do). But I can see how the fact that your husband is dependent on you is extra-guilt-inducing. Not to mention the emotional blackmail he uses -- that's a total no-go and a big red flag for me.

To update my situation a little -- yes, I'm still with my husband. The situation hasn't improved, but I'm beginning to free myself from the guilty feelings with the help of my therapist. I have always known, rationally, that what's happening is no one's "fault". And I'm beginning to see it like this: I need to make a choice -- to transition or not (and I'm reaching the point where I am certain that I will transition). But my husband has a choice as well -- I will gladly stay with him. I'm not forcing him to split up. This is his decision. It's possible that he has to take this decision to leave me for the sake of his own happiness. But so do I. So yeah -- we both have a choice, and we both have to be ready to accept the consequences that our choices bring. I'm nearly ready to do so because I think I will be happier living my true gender but being single, than living as the wrong gender but being married. But it took me almost a year to get to this point.

For a few days I was a bit more hopeful because he had opened up a little and actually SPOKE to me. Wow. But it didn't last. Sorry, I'm sounding really bitter, but it's how I feel at the moment.

Julia,

thank you for your comment, as always . Your words resonate with me, and for me what you write is definitely true. For the first time in a very long time I'm beginning to think that somehow "it's going to be OK". This is a very big step for me. Now all I need is to convince my therapist that he can write me the HRT letter :-P.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello Adrian & Clever

Can I ask whether you've done any couples' therapy to try work through the complexities that you and your partner are experiencing?  If so, how has that been, and if not, what are the obstacles to doing something in a semi-mediated environment?

Hugs
Julia

[Clever]

Hi Julia,

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful responses, and thanks to Adrian for allowing me to shoehorn myself into his thread.

As for me, my husband has refused couples therapy: "I don't want to talk about stuff over and over. I hate that."

So we are at an impasse there, unfortunately.

[adrian]

Hello Adrian & Clever

Can I ask whether you've done any couples' therapy to try work through the complexities that you and your partner are experiencing?  If so, how has that been, and if not, what are the obstacles to doing something in a semi-mediated environment?

Hugs
Julia

Hi Julia,

yes, we have tried it, but it didn't work. My husband didn't feel comfortable with it and we stopped. Which is a pity because I had the impression that it helped us communicate at least a bit more. But he doesn't want to go back. I personally think he would benefit from finding a counselor or therapist for himself, but I can only suggest this so many times. 

[Gothic Dandy]

I think both of your husbands could probably benefit from their own personal therapy sessions, from what I've heard so far..."If I have to live with my mother, I'll kill myself" wow! Don't beat yourself up, Clever, he sounds like he has his own personal turmoil to sort out.

My husband and I have been doing couples' therapy too, but we were doing it with the idea that we were divorcing, and trying to discover our faults so that we didn't repeat the same relationship mistakes. Now, he's transfeminine, and we might be staying together, so we have yet to see how this twist in events will alter our counseling sessions.

Honestly, though, I don't really like our counselor. It's a pity, because I've seen so many counselors in my lifetime and none of them have really been sensitive or savvy enough to fully help me. Finding somebody who works well with you AND your partner, that's got to be tough.

[ZanBuck]

FWIW here's my experience, not optimal but not too bad.
My partner and I (we never got married but were domestic partners) had been together for 14 years before I chose to start my transition. He's very firmly straight (he used to protest me cutting my hair short), but also a very open minded person. I had hoped we could stay together, but what has happened over the last year and 9 months has been that our relationship has changed from romantic to platonic but has stayed just as strong. It has been a painful process, especially at first, but he's one of my biggest allies, my adopted brother. While I miss having him as a partner, I value very much that he's still in my life. He has a girlfriend and the three of us hang out. But I have to echo what everyone else says, communication is everything in this. I respect that he identifies as straight and he respects that I identify as male. It's the presentation that matters to his sexuality in his case, he stated that he had no problem with me identifying as male as long as I didn't physically transition. Bleh. To each their own I suppose, at least both of us ended up happy.

Sorry if that's not helping, but at least it's something. I wish you only the very best of good luck.

[adrian]

Sorry if that's not helping, but at least it's something. I wish you only the very best of good luck.

Thank you! I'm glad you were capable of transforming your relationship into something else. For a while I had really hoped this would be something that my husband and I could accomplish, but I really don't think it will happen. He isn't very open-minded, and I'm beginning to think he's downright homophobic.

Luca, I agree -- it's so hard to find a counselor who matches the needs of both partners. I thought our counselor was OK, but I suspect he wasn't "rational" enough for my husband. I would be willing to look for someone else, but he doesn't want to it seems. I suppose it would be easier to find out what my husband wants if he were actually talking to me. Sigh.