To start. My name is Jacob, I'm 23 in 2 weeks and I've just come to terms with some things in my past. A small look to my childhood is my mother walked out on my brother, father and I when we were very young, father a single parent on and off.. She never makes much of a attempt to this day. Since I was a kid I never was a tom boy kinda kid. Really, I played games and was to myself and my own imagination, picked on regularly for being a weirdo.. Never had many friends, from the ages 8-17 I lived a second life on the internet as a girl. A lot of games, many social sites I could pretend on and feel comfortable. I liked being pretty and having long hair, even make-up isn't a scary concept to think about. I've tried to repress this after I thought it was 'just a phase' kind of deal and in acting like a guy from then on would grow onto me.. But the truth is. I really don't feel macho, I've had urges to work out and get bigger like when I first started with my step father at 18-19. But the testosterone have never been there in me, it always feels faked or forced. Granted I do love to get out and walk, and cycle I'm not a total vampire.
I wanted to join some kind of support group to get stories from other experiences and see what others think. I really am just not sure who I am anymore. from 19- just a week ago, I was in my longest and hardest relationship. Three and a half years, I feel bad because she really is supportive.. but in the relationship with how I feel as of recent. I feel like it was unfair to both of us, I ask myself, 'Who am I?' and I draw a blank.
I've played both, I was in 'the man' situation where I was working 3 jobs to keep the roof over our heads till I gave up; and she move up state to her family, I stayed with mine. I'm getting back in touch with old friends I alienated myself from through most of the relationship. Fortunately for me they accepted me back in with open arms, I couldn't ask for better friends really. Or my father, he's a 'stealthed'(not sure if I used that right ^_^') cross dresser. I came out to him, and my boss who is like a big sister to me(I am her number one assistant mngr) about my thoughts and feelings first. They were both supportive and said, 'just do what makes you happy' and my dad said he'd love me no matter what my choice. After, I did so my 2 of my closer friends who were a couple and they both accept me for me. I love all of them so much for not shunning me.
As I've come out about this it has helped in me piecing myself little by little. I would like to start my transition as soon as possible, but unfortunately I'm not only broke from payments; but still unsure if this is really ME, or just a bi guy with a confused analysis of himself.. I do have insurance till I'm 26 so I have been considering actually using it for once and going to see a therapist. I should regardless for my family issues, but I want to focus on myself at this time. I just want to be comfortable with myself and know who I am. This is all still new to me, but I have done some research on sites such as tsroadmap and a few 7 questions readings/videos from wehappytrans. It's comforting to see how strong they are and to hear what they live with. As for the name game, I have thought of a few but those that stick out for me are Elizabeth or Tiffany. It does bring a smile to my face at the thought of those names, typing this, the thoughts that roll on in. How do you make of this little bit I've told? I'm sorry if I typed too much! ^_^' I don't wanna be a bore. xP
