Anyone else come across this?

[Garry]

Idk seems weird to me. My family recognise me as male now by comments they've made like the state I get the couch in just by sitting on it 'it must be a man thing', they were talking about something and something about all men being stupid was said  then 'present company not included' which meant me. My sister kept asking if I had shaved yet and said her husband had said to do it reguarly as it grows back faster and thicker (which I said I thought was a myth but apparently he said is true) and that it was 'some advice man to man' and stuff like that. So they are acknowledging me as male. Yet have never once even tried to use male pronouns.. Yes I know its habit of 20 years calling me those things but not even trying is another matter. If they can see me as male so easily yet still say 'she' without a second thought.. I just dont get it. Again habit yes but while seeing me as male? They dont call any other male by female pronouns. It just contradicts itself

Its bad enough happening but its even worse when they happily out me to everyone in the viscinity with it. Start of december I was in hospital after an RTA. All the paramedics, nurses and doctors were great with me and treated me as male. All fine til they came in.. 'She's transgender' yeah thanks for that.. All of them using male pronouns and they carry on with she this and her that. They're fine apart from continually doing this, not trying to do it right and no attempt to correct it either

I know all I can do is talk to them and tell them to stop. I just struggle with talking its a major issue of mine. Im on medication to try help anxiety stuff but its not working. I hate talking at the best of times, I lack the confidence to correct them myself. Really Im just wondering cause I've never come across this situation before its just bizarre. I've seen outright rejection and outright acceptance they call you it or they wont. Not this weird mixed thing. If it continues much longer I know I need to try and stop it one way or another. Just asking here if anyone has come across or dealt with similar as I dont understand it

[Gothic Dandy]

Yikes at them outing you when you were in such a vulnerable space!

That is strange, I don't think I've heard of this mixed thing before. It's like they think it's some kind of game to play along with...? Everyone's reactions are so different, though. Personally, my family is still in the complete denial phase, picking out things to "prove" to me that I'm really a woman.

Maybe they think you're not "fully" a man until after you've done hormones and/or surgery? Which is messed up and worth correcting, if that is the case.

One thing I have heard is that it's important to nip this in the bud asap. Correct them each time if you have to, or just don't respond if they use the wrong pronouns. It sounds kind of harsh and I would probably be too chicken to pull it off myself, but something needs to be done or it will just get harder and harder for you to correct them. It will take them some time to adjust, but according to what you said it sounds like they're not even trying to begin with.

[Contravene]

They may still be adapting to the fact that you're male. It sounds like they're sort of testing the waters and taking their time getting used to things by referring to you as male in other ways. Pronouns may be more difficult for them because actually referring to you as male rather than just referring to the idea that you're male finalizes it. The best thing to do is just talk to them about it. Ask why they still use female pronouns and let them know that you want them to start using male pronouns instead, especially in public. You could also ask if there are things you can do to help them get used to using male pronouns.

My mother isn't very accepting at all but sometimes she'll refer to me as male and do something similar with the "it must be a guy thing" type of comments. When she does this I know she's trying on the idea of me being male and seeing how she feels about it.

Sometimes there are different stages of acceptance that people go through and it can be difficult for them. You also have to remember that you may have known you were male your whole life (some people do, some people don't realize until later) but your family members most likely didn't so this may be something that's completely foreign to them.

[Garry]

I would say 2 years is more than long enough to 'get used to it'. Especially when her first reaction was to say she had 'always suspected it' anyway. Never been female or pretended to be, I've only ever dressed in male clothes, all my friends were boys and I spent all my time with them. They practically raised me lol. Cut hair short age 11. Nothing was remotely a surprise nor should it have been. Not like going from a feminine girl to male, that would be more of an adjustment to make Im sure. Just when there are people who can instantly switch pronouns upon being told, one of my old best friends is one of them he was at my house last month setting up a tv system and she told him about me, to which he said 'tell him i was asking for him'. 2 years in and not one attempt..? I just dont get it. Im a month off a year on T now. My voice went from being ma'med on the phone to only sir now. Nearly 6 months since it was last checked by my speech therapist but at that point it had dropped 40hz to 108hz firmly in the male range. I have facial hair and they still do this to me in public.. not like they will have any idea what they're on about but not the point

I just found it weird they can sometimes so easily refer to me as male in those ways but at the same time so easily keep using female pronouns. Especially after having said my male name then 'she' like what.. it doesnt even make any sense. I didnt want to have to say anything about it because I didnt think I should have to, they know Im male and why would I possibly want to be called female pronouns. They both said they are accepting from day 1 and they have been besides pronouns. Know how I feel about it too, my gf emailed my mum a few months ago and said loads of stuff about how it affects me etc, didnt make a bit of difference. And no I dont respond at all to the wrong thing, the instant I hear it I shut down completely and wont respond to them. I did wonder if they were in that camp of you have to have surgery or you're not a man thing.. but idk when they acknowledge it in other ways. The one time I did say something in response to it cause I was that pissed off about it she was outing me at the post office multiple times when my passport application was being checked. It had 'Mr' and 'Male' on it and she was continually saying she this and she that. I was so pissed I just went 'im not she thats the point' but I got ignored as if I hadnt said a word. I know I need to try do something if it doesnt stop soon, I just struggle with it. If I do it will be via email as that is how I communicate

Was just wondering if it was just me in this weird situation since I've never come across it before. 2 years in and nearly a year on T I didnt expect it to still be going on. If they werent accepting then yes but when they are.. no. Just weird all I can really say

[Alexthecat]

They may think they are accepting and you may think that they are accepting, but until the 'she' stops they are not accepting.

[The_Gentleboy]

experienced the same type of thing (still do to a degree). Its partially denial on their part, but also its really hard to remember. Honertly if you can do the money trick. Every time they say 'she' or say your female name they have to put 50p in a jar. once they start realising theyre losing a fair bit of cash theyll stop. XD
Also i put a sticker tag on my jacket, front and back with my name and pronoun so everytime they looked at me they would see what they were supposed to say.

My mum hasnt quite got used to saying 'son' yet so she usually says kid. And instead of he/she shell use my name instead. Going neutral stops you feeling downgraded and helps them subconciously understand the change. Little steps for big things

[Garry]

Thats what I kinda thought.. but at the same time acknowledging me as male in other ways just confused it. I just didnt understand the situation at all. Another thing I forgot to say though.. Before my gf emailed my mum my sister had to contact her on facebook the night I was in hospital so she knew where I was and she only used male pronouns on me (I only know cause my gf told me what she said). When my mum replied to her email it was all male pronouns too (and saying it was habit of 20 years saying 'she') so to me its like they tailored what they said to suit her cause she only uses male pronouns and words on me so they used them for her sake. In other words they CAN do it when they want to but they're choosing not to to my face (and behind my back)? They proved by doing that they are capable of doing it so..

experienced the same type of thing (still do to a degree). Its partially denial on their part, but also its really hard to remember. Honertly if you can do the money trick. Every time they say 'she' or say your female name they have to put 50p in a jar. once they start realising theyre losing a fair bit of cash theyll stop. XD
Also i put a sticker tag on my jacket, front and back with my name and pronoun so everytime they looked at me they would see what they were supposed to say.

My mum hasnt quite got used to saying 'son' yet so she usually says kid. And instead of he/she shell use my name instead. Going neutral stops you feeling downgraded and helps them subconciously understand the change. Little steps for big things

I can relate to that a lot. I get the same now. Instead of using a pronoun they change it so like they're talking directly to me and say 'you' instead, or just my name. To be honest I'd rather be called 'it' than 'she', way less painful. If they cant handle calling me male things then say they or something neutral instead of outright hurting me with female words. She knows it hurts me cause she's been told. Been waiting on them finally saying it, referring to me as her son, my sister calling me her brother.. something. But so far nothing. Its not as much as it used to be, its a lot more often now to be name used or the 'you' tactic instead by changing from speaking to them to speaking to me but it does still come through which tells me they still see me that way and arent even making an effort to change it. It doesnt hurt someone to change a word they use, it hurts us when they dont. When she has been told all this already..

I actually thought of the jar thing, my anxiety stuff prevents me doing anything though but I can see why it would help yes. Maybe a t-shirt with just HE in massive letters would get the point across. I cant be much more obvious than I have already been anyway. How I look, how I dress, how I sound, I wear a male symbol necklace everyday I was so tired of misgendering I was trying to make a point with it. Also I kinda wanted them to stop on their own cause to me that means more coming from their choice than me telling them to like they're only doing it to suit me. I want them to mean it. Just hope it finally stops soon. More than long enough overdue

I hope they get it with you too and call you the things you really are if the darting around it issue is going on with you too

[BeefxCake]

My family sounds like yours. They have no problem with me being trans and trasitioning and but treat me like a man when it suites them.

They pretty much always say she/her pronouns and a lot of the time my birthname. Sometimes they'll correct themselves

My dad im a bit more lenient on cuz english isnt his first language and he calls most guys she anyway. To him everyone is she thats just language barrier but my mom, who is english speaker really doesnt have an excuse and its frustrating

I think over time, especially since i plan to grow a beard and i have been weight lifting and getting big they're gonna have to realize when they call me she in front of people they are the ones that will get the wierd stares not me xD

[Garry]

I think over time, especially since i plan to grow a beard and i have been weight lifting and getting big they're gonna have to realize when they call me she in front of people they are the ones that will get the wierd stares not me xD

This exactly. If they want to look stupid then fine with me. I am only seen as male in public now so them calling me otherwise whoever they are talking to is probably like wtf are they on about. Its unlikely we will be questioned over it, it would be them getting the attention

So its not just me then. Interesting.. Still dont understand it at all this 'when it suits them' thing but I guess when Im not enforcing it its more likely to happen. I would speak out for someone else, just when its me idk why but I cant. It would be their sanity being questioned to do it in front of other people. Im trying to grow something but its taking forever. I have an under chin beard and my upper lip is ok, thats all I got so far. Its more than enough though to stop calling me stupid things, especially in public

[AndrewB]

2 years is more than enough for people that are claiming to be "accepting." I think your best bet would be making it clear that using female pronouns is not accepting, as someone mentioned earlier. I agree with others here, it's like they think it's cool and fun to be accepting of you but don't understand what that means or don't want to, they just want to be "in" because people are becoming less and less tolerant of ignorance in present society, so they put in the minimal amount of effort.

For personal example, I have been out to my parents for 4 months, coming up on 5. My mother started trying within a week or two to get my name and pronouns correct, and by month 2 she was golden. She makes a mistake maybe once out of every 200 instances. My dad, on the other hand, didn't start using them until month 2, and still slips up on occasion. It's clear that both have practiced and are getting it down, in not even a quarter of the time it's taken your parents to decide that they are fine with the idea of you being transgender and will support you, but I think yours need a little help understanding that a little more effort would go a long way. If they don't want to put that in, they don't respect you and it's time for action.

[FTMax]

I agree with Andrew. My family and friends have made the switch in under 6 months - no slip ups (at least not in my presence). It takes dedication and practice. Let it be known that it's an expectation of yours that they refer to you in a certain way. Don't let it seem like choice. Let them know that referring to you with improper pronouns and outing you to people is completely disrespectful.

[The_Gentleboy]

I think whatever you do you need to tread carefully. I know when i pointed things out sometimes id get hellfire back. My family isnt violent they just get very frustrated when you mention things. Ive been out for 2.5 yrs now and i literally have a look which shows my dismay and theyll say sorry or suffle uncomfortably. People arent accustomed to change like this. when i first came out my mum said that my rabbit had changed his name and made me call him by his "new" name. It was really hard tbf.

Also though you are 20, if its possible maybe its time to upsticks and move out. My father used my female name as a means of leverage against me and once i started ignoring him he started behaving appropriately.

I know experience is different for everyone but after so long it no longer bothers me as much as it used to. Maybe because theyre the ones getting strange looks? regardless ive become practically immune to the word "she". And if you cant then confidence will cover it up. If you take yourself a little less seriously and move with the punches they wont hurt so much

[Garry]

Yeah it can backfire or something stupid said in response so I just ignore them and give a bad look. Im 25 and am living on my own. I go home at weekends, mainly to see my cat who is my best friend. I miss him when Im away. Renting a place anyway for the sake of the GIC. This clinic wont accept out of area patients, only way I could stay on the books was to be living in the city so I've been here for 2 years now so I can keep going there. I have no job and no form of income what so ever I cant afford to live on my own, my rent is being paid til October then thats it. I certainly dont respond to anything wrong though. I cant let it not get to me either Im not the type to pretend something didnt bother me. It is invalidating me to call me that and Im not ok with it. No one else gets misgendered so why should I pretend to be ok with it. I am male, treat me the same as any other. I've taken enough of it for 20 years now I cant stand it any longer. Everything else is moving forward and this just continually drags me back again

People can change quickly and get used to it, there is no real excuse not to. Again my gf said all that to her so.. ignoring it I guess. I've never seen it as accepting or respectful to misgender me but this acknowledging me as male seemed to contradict that and just confused me to why it was happening. I didnt expect them to change right away but 2 years is ridiculous. If I'd been told then it would take 2 years and them still not be doing it I wouldnt have believed it. Progress in all other areas though, just wary of pronouns

I do wonder how my dad would have been about this.. just my mum and sister now. I regret that he didnt know. Suspected yes Im sure but knowing for sure is still a bit different

[zukhlo]

Yeah I'm in the exact same boat.  I've been transitioning about a year and a half.  My family will use the right pronouns occasionally but far more often they just go back to "she", especially my dad.  I've talked to them about it, and reminded them frequently, and just last weekend got into a blow-up fight with my dad over it, but he keeps calling me "she".  I pass as a guy 95% of the time now so he's just making himself look like a fool but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

As a general rule I'm not afraid of confrontation but I've had to remind people so many times that I'm just getting worn down.  I wish I could be tougher and not let it make me feel crappy.

[AndrewB]

Yeah I'm in the exact same boat.  I've been transitioning about a year and a half.  My family will use the right pronouns occasionally but far more often they just go back to "she", especially my dad.  I've talked to them about it, and reminded them frequently, and just last weekend got into a blow-up fight with my dad over it, but he keeps calling me "she".  I pass as a guy 95% of the time now so he's just making himself look like a fool but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

As a general rule I'm not afraid of confrontation but I've had to remind people so many times that I'm just getting worn down.  I wish I could be tougher and not let it make me feel crappy.

It really can get tiring, reminding people that they're insane for calling you 'she' in public. I just came back from Spring Break and all my classmates that were only sort of getting the 'he' down all reverted back to 'she,' even a guy that used to be my best friend (we just had a sort of natural falling out based on lack of shared interests, nothing dramatic). I also got a "he-she-he" today which was confusing at best? Idk. I pass 95% in public too (not going to put 100 down as I would have a week ago, since I got called out in a locker room rudely) so it just always amazes me, how stubborn someone's mind can be.