I'm a mess

[fallofadam]

I am a mess right now.

Last night, I was at my breaking point and wrote my mom a "re-coming out" letter. That is a long story, but basically, the letter described what it means to be transgender, how I know that I am transgender, and what my plans are for the future. This lovely little letter also describes how I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts (and even had a suicide plan, at one point). Anyway, I left this letter with her pile of clothes so that she would see it in the morning, and then I went to sleep (finally).

Now it is morning again, and I can hear my mother downstairs, and I know that she must have read the letter so I am too nervous to go down there. I do not really know how she is going to react; it was a heavy letter. And on top of that, I have never been very good at expressing my emotions face-to-face. It is awkward and uncomfortable for me, and I hate it. So for now, I am hiding in my bedroom like a wimp, afraid to talk to his mom.

>.<

[Laura_7]

hugs

you could imagine a good outcome...

and you could remain calm, and just speak your mind... after all you will still be the same person... same sense of humour etc...

hugs

[Clever]

There's no good way to avoid the awkwardness and discomfort, I'm afraid.

I don't have much to add, but I'm posting to give my support. Stay strong, friend. You can do this.

[fallofadam]

hugs

you could imagine a good outcome...

and you could remain calm, and just speak your mind... after all you will still be the same person... same sense of humour etc...

hugs

That is true. That is what I am trying to show her (that I am the same person), and I guess I should remember that myself. Thank you.

[fallofadam]

There's no good way to avoid the awkwardness and discomfort, I'm afraid.

I don't have much to add, but I'm posting to give my support. Stay strong, friend. You can do this.

Thanks, and you are right. I am just trying to convince myself that the awkwardness will not last forever. Eventually, this will not faze either of us; it will be a natural thing for her to call me her son. At least, that is how I am planning to get through the awkwardness of this.

[Rachel]

Hugs,

today will end and a new beginning will be tomorrow.

[fallofadam]

Hugs,

today will end and a new beginning will be tomorrow.

I still haven't any reaction from her :/

[Ms Grace]

Hey - I know it's tough to talk about these things. But maybe she feels the same way, or doesn't know how to respond or is hoping you will forget about it... any number of reasons. You've made the first step but you can't expect that the "ball is now in her court" and she needs to make the next move (to mangle any number of metaphors). I was petrified of telling my folks (and I was 48!!) but it needed to be done, I burst into tears when I told them but I still got it out. Maybe you just need to contain your fear, walk up to her and say - "so mom, about that letter..."

Hugs.

[fallofadam]

Hey - I know it's tough to talk about these things. But maybe she feels the same way, or doesn't know how to respond or is hoping you will forget about it... any number of reasons. You've made the first step but you can't expect that the "ball is now in her court" and she needs to make the next move (to mangle any number of metaphors). I was petrified of telling my folks (and I was 48!!) but it needed to be done, I burst into tears when I told them but I still got it out. Maybe you just need to contain your fear, walk up to her and say - "so mom, about that letter..."

Hugs.

She keeps saying, "We'll talk later. I love you." And the only part of my letter that she commented on was the fact that I am opting for a gap year between high school and college - mind you, this letter was full of my honest confessions of depression, suicidal thoughts and plans, anxiety, and the need for transition.

[Newgirl Dani]

"We'll talk later. I love you."

Words of hope, you have my best.   Dani

[fallofadam]

Words of hope, you have my best.   Dani

Touché.

She has been saying that a lot today, and I am trying to take that as a good sign.

Thank you.

[Rachel]

Well then, she is thinking and did not get emotional or angry. This is a very good sign.

There are three words a parent likes to hear, "I love you".

I hope you have a great weekend.

[fallofadam]

Well then, she is thinking and did not get emotional or angry. This is a very good sign.

There are three words a parent likes to hear, "I love you".

I hope you have a great weekend.

I have told her how much I love her, too.

I don't know what she is thinking now. I think she is trying to pretend like it didn't happen again. That's what she did when I mentioned this (without detail) three months ago.

[Audietta01]

Passive is different from passive agressive. It may help your symptoms to change some things which cause problems. Any sign of changes on your part should allow you to test her to see how resistant she is to the persistent changes you need to avoid dysphoria. That could help you to becoming more free from fear to make changes.

[fallofadam]

Passive is different from passive agressive. It may help your symptoms to change some things which cause problems. Any sign of changes on your part should allow you to test her to see how resistant she is to the persistent changes you need to avoid dysphoria. That could help you to becoming more free from fear to make changes.

The thing is that I already dress male, use male shampoo, male colognes, male haircut, etc. I pass as male about 50% of the time - enough that when someone introduces me as a girl, the other people look confused and stare.

But it seems like today she has been passive aggressive, over exaggerating female pronouns and my birth name and it is really bothering me.

[Laura_7]

 You might have a look here for a few thoughts that might help...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185020.msg1645272.html#msg1645272

And there is a pflag brochure "Coming Out As Trans.pdf" with a few points on the first page... the second page is more for own children.. 
I personally like the twin explanation, you will be like your male twin... with still the same sense of humour etc...


and if you want to talk to someone you can call one of those for example, people are there to help and give advice (there are many others):
glnh dot org/talkline/ (this is the national lgbt youth helpline)
translifeline dot org


Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...
you might sit them down and talk to them... over a cup of tea... and really talk about your feelings, what moves you... staying in a relaxed tone, not making reproaches but stating your needs... just talking and asking... imo the NHS brochure might help... saying its biological, so its nobodys fault, not yours or somebodys upbringing, and its most likely not a whim or a phase... talking sensibly but saying what you need... and maybe they need some time to really understand...
they might also talk about their fears... what the neighbors might say... (there are many trans people now so more and more people get used to it slowly...)
that she had some fixed ideas about your future... well you are essentially the same person, like a male twin, with the same sense of humour... kids are possible via adoption, or possibly via stopping of hrt for some time... etc...
well as said its up to you what you say...

if this is too uncomfortable for you you might think about corresponding via email, or text... where you have time to think about it... and yet write about what is important to you... and hopefully they, too...
just remember if its written it might be shown to other persons... so I'd not get aggressive or make personal reproaches...


hugs

[fallofadam]

You might have a look here for a few thoughts that might help...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185020.msg1645272.html#msg1645272

And there is a pflag brochure "Coming Out As Trans.pdf" with a few points on the first page... the second page is more for own children.. 
I personally like the twin explanation, you will be like your female twin... with still the same sense of humour etc...


and if you want to talk to someone you can call one of those for example, people are there to help and give advice (there are many others):
glnh dot org/talkline/ (this is the national lgbt youth helpline)
translifeline dot org


Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...
you might sit them down and talk to them... over a cup of tea... and really talk about your feelings, what moves you... staying in a relaxed tone, not making reproaches but stating your needs... just talking and asking... imo the NHS brochure might help... saying its biological, so its nobodys fault, not yours or somebodys upbringing, and its most likely not a whim or a phase... talking sensibly but saying what you need... and maybe they need some time to really understand...
they might also talk about their fears... what the neighbors might say... (there are many trans people now so more and more people get used to it slowly...)
that she had some fixed ideas about your future... well you are essentially the same person, like a male twin, with the same sense of humour... kids are possible via adoption, or possibly via stopping of hrt for some time... etc...
well as said its up to you what you say...

if this is too uncomfortable for you you might think about corresponding via email, or text... where you have time to think about it... and yet write about what is important to you... and hopefully they, too...
just remember if its written it might be shown to other persons... so I'd not get aggressive or make personal reproaches...


hugs

I really like the twin explanation, and I might try to explain it like that to her. At this point, I just want the talk to come because I think she is avoiding it. The more she ignores it, the smaller this house seems - the more suffocating. I am going to see if it will be possible for me to move in with grandma (I'm legally old enough to leave), at least for a little while. Maybe that will give us both the space that we need. Maybe we could relate better from a distance. And there, I would be more free to transition.