not sure anymore, freaking out.

[billiexero]

hello, 26 active duty military so you all know i have to hide myself. in doing this like i had to suppress myself for so many year prior to this i have begun to question myself. i dont know if i am transgender or not, i mean when i came to terms with myself i felt better clearer about life. since then my (ftm) husband has thrown a fit about me transitioning ever. he doesnt want it. he wants us to be guys together. my mother refuses to accept it and thinks that its just a faze or some bull ->-bleeped-<- that my husband is forcing me to do this. cant tell any friends cuz im active duty and that would probably end poorly for me. so i more or less havve no one to turn to. lately i have been woundering if i really am trans or not or if im forcing myself to besomething to balance out my life or some meta ->-bleeped-<- like that. when i think that im not or try to talk to my husband i get a black hole feeling, that pressure of emptiness in my chest area. even when my antidepressants should be working. i put on girls underwear when i was younger and my mother shamed the ever living hell out of me. my parents more or less beat it into me that being gay or playing with girls stuff was wrong so i think i aver compensated growing up. tryed to hard to be a man that i made myself believe i was. i mean i also think/thought that girls had it easier cuz watching my sisters even to this day, they had/have it easier then i did. i had to have a job at 15 no two ways around it, i ->-bleeped-<-ed up i got my ass beat, they got sent to there rooms. i had to buy my own car my sister got her first one from the parents. ect ect ect. they were allowed to and expected to be pritty i had to be big and all covered in muscles. even now to pass a physical test i have to do a min. of 80 pushups and 80-100 setups run a mile 1/2 in less then 10 min. girls 20 pushups and like 40 setups with like 15 min to run that ->-bleeped-<- in. it bull ->-bleeped-<-. i hope im conveying as to why i feel that i think/thouight i am trans and why im not sure if i am. i now wear wemons underwear and bras, well the bras stopped cuz my husband was unhappy that i wore them cuz it didnt fit his perfect gay couple fantasy.

my husband will leave me if i start transition, so i dont know if its fear of being alone or leaving him that is making me all confused and hating life and to an extent just say ->-bleeped-<- it all.now hes freaking out cuz somehow this post is all about him.

please ->-bleeped-<-ing help me, im starting to loose it.

[suzifrommd]

OK, first, take a deep breath. There's a lot going on, but you WILL figure it out. I promise. Nothing here that's impossible. You WILL be okay. You ARE strong enough to get through this.

Let's see if we can sort through some of this:

i dont know if i am transgender or not, i mean when i came to terms with myself i felt better clearer about life.

Yes. You do know. Do you really think a cisgender person would have anxiety about not being able to transition?

since then my (ftm) husband has thrown a fit about me transitioning ever. he doesnt want it. he wants us to be guys together.

This part is hard. If he can be taken at his word, then you will need to choose. It's not an easy choice, but it's a choice you will know enough to make. You will be fine either way. Yes, you love him, and yes, you've built a life together. If your marriage didn't last, that would be awful, and painful, but you would get through it. You are strong enough (I promise).

Can you ask yourself these questions?:
* Can I give myself to my husband when he wants me to be someone I'm not?
* Will I resent it if I choose him over myself?
* Does he want what's best for me? If not, do I deserve someone who does?
* Am I doing the best for him if I stay with him as a man when I really want to be a woman?
* Is he really worth the dysphoria for the rest of my life?

If you decide you are better off without him, you WILL have the strength to make it through, both the break-up and the rest of your life.

my mother refuses to accept it and thinks that its just a faze or some bull ->-bleeped-<- that my husband is forcing me to do this. cant tell any friends cuz im active duty and that would probably end poorly for me. so i more or less havve no one to turn to.

You have us. There are hundreds of us here. A lot of us have been through the same stuff you are. You are not alone. Really. You are not alone.

i put on girls underwear when i was younger and my mother shamed the ever living hell out of me. my parents more or less beat it into me that being gay or playing with girls stuff was wrong so i think i aver compensated growing up. tryed to hard to be a man that i made myself believe i was.

There is nothing shameful about being yourself. Nothing. Really. If anyone has anything to be ashamed of, it's the people who punished you for being who you are.

please ->-bleeped-<-ing help me, im starting to loose it.

Maybe. Or maybe you're starting to face reality: That your current life is not working for you and you need to make changes.

Hugs, dear. This is hard. The good news is that you have hundreds of brothers and sisters here, who care and who will help you through.

You. Are. Not. Alone.

[Laura_7]

First, have a *hug*

you could have a look here for a few thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,184920.msg1644403.html#msg1644403
Its for a ftm person, so a few things are the other way around... like clothing for women...
Know you are not alone in this, and not the only one...
and times have changed the last years, with much more information like this available now and more people being acceptive...

can't tell if this is advisable with your current employment, its up to you to check... but this is a usual way to go...

You might see a counselor... a gender therapist preferably, someone who knows the process and can guide you along the way...
you might have a counselor already and ask them if they can support you in gender issues, or ask for a referral...
or you might ask at plannedparenthood for example, at a lgbt center, or ask a transgender group for a referral, for someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list... if its connected with depression it might be covered...
if you feel someone is not helpful, just look for another...

its a process, but many have gone it before and succeeded, and people here will try to support you.
I'd say take the time you need... get used to a few thoughts... take it step by step, simply keep at it...

If you feel you need help, please reach out, call one of the helpline numbers and talk to your counselor.

And you might keep asking questions, alone writing might help getting a better view... 


hugs

[billiexero]

the biggest problem is that i cant seek help. if i out myself, because im active military and they still view transgender as a medical condition. that is dischargeable under mental disorder no matter how sane or healthy you are. the DADT repeal only effected the LGB and left out the T. if i seek help the therapist or psychologist or who ever i see, one must tell my command that i am being seen by them, two tell them anything that THEY deem a danger to myself or others. and due to the fact that i know the military well enough, they are mostly homophobic transphobic ->-bleeped-<-es. they would report it a danger, then the further action is to be taken by my co who i have always had the pleasure of having the extreme right wing ->-bleeped-<- heads who would go out of there way to boot me out.

do you have any more advice that would help me know that i am doing what i know is right and not just trying to be something.
i mean it might be a bit of a TMI moment but growing up and even more so now when i watch pron i dont know weather id rather be the guy or the girl. i see women and i think damn shes hot and both thoughts of i would hit that so hard if i pulled out i would be the next king of england, as well as i wish i looked like her why can i have her body/ass/chest/hair you get the picture.   

[Ms Grace]

Hi - I understand how difficult and confusing this can be. Unfortunately we can't help you decide one way or the other - ultimately that is up to you. That is why seeking help  from a counsellor was mentioned above, someone needs to guide you through a fairly complicated minefield. Regrettably transition does come with many of the potential downsides you are aware of and have mentioned above... the flip side is that we can also have the opportunity to be our true selves. Problem is we won't know if that was the right decision until we're well on that path. And that makes it hard. If someone had told me three years ago that I could transition and be happy I would have laughed them out of the room... and yet it is pretty much how things panned out. Yes I lost some things along the way, family relations are strained, but I have gained so much more - a sense of self worth that is priceless. But I also had to work with a counsellor to make sure I was making the right decision - I mean I was pretty sure but I needed direct guidance to help clear away some of the lies I was telling myself and the doubts swimming in my head.

[suzifrommd]

i mean it might be a bit of a TMI moment but growing up and even more so now when i watch pron i dont know weather id rather be the guy or the girl. i see women and i think damn shes hot and both thoughts of i would hit that so hard if i pulled out i would be the next king of england, as well as i wish i looked like her why can i have her body/ass/chest/hair you get the picture.

There isn't necessarily a connection between sexual interest and gender dysphoria. A lot of trans people, though, do have feelings similar to yours. I certainly do (though I would probably have put it more delicately  ).

Maybe instead of asking "Am I Trans", which is kind of abstract and semantic, or "Should I transition", which is hard to know when you haven't, maybe a better questions is "Can I stand living as a man?"

[Laura_7]

You could have a look at the link given above.

There is a link to a quiz with further information, and a link to a NHS brochure.
Much of the information in the brochure was not available when you grew up. It states that being tg is connected with biological development before birth, meaning its nobodys fault, neither the tg persons nor their parents upbringing etc.
It might help with self acceptance, and imo its better socially acceptable.

You might read through some material... read a few definitions and explanations of others, sometimes they say something that we feel strikes a chord in us...

You might try some easy reversable steps and see how that makes you feel... like playing a bit with hair and clothing style... get some womens trousers or sweaters one or two sizes bigger... a second hand store could be a good source...

some people get a female online name on a forum, and see how that makes them feel...

remember its a process, I'd say take the time you need, but keep at it... sometimes it takes a few moments to get used to a few new thoughts...


hugs

[billiexero]

the fact that you all are trying to help makes me feel a bit better. it really does and now that im calming down( mostly because i ran for a while) i think that a bit part of my freak out is because of my husband. we have been together for over 10 years married for going on 4. i think that its the thought of loosing him. being alone scares me and i dont know how to start over. we are both afraid of the inevitable outcome of this whole thing. he doesnt want to lose his best frined and neither do i but he isnt attracted to women. so were kinda at an halt. i want to keep him but i want to be me.

and i try to read peoples storys i know that just about everyone experiences this differently. im trying to juggle my military career my family and my self and things are just getting more and more difficult to keep up in the air. the only thing i can do to calm down is run and play games (dnd warhammer ps4) it helps me vent and think.

and im sorry i know that was put bluntly but it is an unfortunate side effect of my years in the service. i curse a lot, about as cuddly as a cacti, and as blunt as a sledge hammer on concrete. i kinda speak what ever im feeling.... except to my family and loved ones... really weird. 

i try the makeup when im alone, and i end up looking like a clown lol, im trying to get better at it. cuz i have to have short hair i do try wigs, and i wear girl jeans insead of mens and sweaters and tshirts alot i dont think anyone has noticed. i try skirts and blouses, shorts, and a variety of ....undergarments.

[Laura_7]

i try the makeup when im alone, and i end up looking like a clown lol,

I'd say don't overdo it, don't use too much... and cis girls also often use unobtrusive colours...
there is a video "Plastic Surgery With MakeUp Fuller, Bigger Lips ", you could look that up...
and you might rather get a few quality items... looking for plant based instead of mineral oils, possibly even organic...

same goes for clothing... of course its fun to dress up, but cis girls seldom go around really all dressed up... a bit of moderation might help


hugs

[billiexero]

i just wish there was something i could do about the military thing. i wish they would stop dragging there feet and just let us serve openly

[billiexero]

as a serious question what is hrt like. what do YOU experience i mean if your willing to share with me. i have read a few things but i know that everyones diff. i know that my voice wont change. but im 6 1 and kinda built like a line backer. massive shoulders and long legs ect. what can i expect

[Rachel]

Hi,

I am 6'3". I have 3 shifts of operating engineers (30) and (30) outsourced electricians, sheet metal, pipe fitters and controls techs, most are ex military and discussions they have of past adventures can be raunchy. My Dad was a sergeant and had 3 years combat and all my uncles were military. So I get the rough language thing.

Exercise is fantastic for dysphoria. I exercise every day and it helps.

I have been on HRT 22 months. I take injectable E, finasteride, progesterone and spironolactone. The most amazing thing is all the things you never thought would happen. The calm is defining. I see colors better. I can smell a guy that has not showered 30 feet away. My skin is soft. I lost a lot of muscle. I feel better than when I was 16. My eye color is much more vibrant.

I am growing boobs. Masturbation or sex is much more intense and it takes much longer to ejaculate. I had really small genitals prior to HRT but now they are smaller.

Emotions are wonderful. I cry when things get overwhelming and it helps me process what is really important. I feel so much better after I cry.

I accept I am a girl.

I have grown so much. Many say they are the same person before and after. I am not, I am a different person. I have more confidence and I have been subjected to so much bigotry all my life but now I can cope. I guess I have gotten use to it. I can smile and I do not feel like something is going to happen; I am more relaxed.

Spouses
This is a difficult thing. Give it time and keep the communications open. Be prepared.

Cis gendered people do not question their gender.

Only you can determine if you transition. I would see a gender therapist and get some assistance processing your feelings. When I first hit the wall I was a mess.

[katrinaw]

So true Cynthia

Cis gendered people do not question their gender.

Only you can determine if you transition. I would see a gender therapist and get some assistance processing your feelings.

L Katy

[billiexero]

well i have the next 2 years of my contract to make sure im on the right path well before my chance to see a specialist or start hrt. my fav. form of pt is running i was at 14 miles straight 2 times a week until i busted my back and knee now im at 7 miles. it helps me blank my mind and just breath. and i know that transition isnt about who we turn into but who we are. no matter what even if i keep my masculine jawline and shoulders ect i can still be me. a strong built like a tank women who works with high explosives lol.