Hello Blairolivia
One of the first things you will find rather essential is to let yourself free. Free to think of yourself outside of the gender roles expected by your family, society, and, most of all, by and of yourself. This is the key to being able to deal with acceptance of thoughts and feelings that you may be suppressing, consciously or subconsciously.
This is a process which takes time, and I recommend that you find a guide to help you - a gender therapist or a skilled and empathetic psychologist. Therapy doesn't mean that you're crazy or cuckoo. It does however allow you to explore things which are hard to find on your own. And in all cases, should you begin a journey to unlock the woman inside you, the international standards of care (WPATH) require a therapist to accompany you on your entire journey.
Part of letting yourself free may involve exploring the external aspects of your presentation -how you dress and act. Realising which gender(s) you are truly attracted to. It's really quite hard to take the leap needed to begin all of this. Some people know what they are and just go for it; others take very small steps, testing the water with each one.
The processes of realisation can be quite disconcerting- something of a roller coaster ride of highs and lows, but ultimately the sense of knowing clearly who you are is a great liberation. Most of us repress a huge amount and have to shed a ton of guilt and imagined social consequence.
And from there? Well, there's a tendency to view HRT as the miracle which will turn you into a woman. I'd advocate caution and say that HRT is a helping hand. The woman's already there, in your head, and your task (and it really is a task) is to liberate her. HRT gives you the "permission" to be her, but you have to make her.
One of the things I've learned is to be realistic about goals, and to realise that who we were is a part of what will will become. Most of us cannot kill off the boy entirely, but often what remains is interesting, attractive, and valuable. Be realistic about your goals. On this journey, it really helps to be candid, ask for help, smile often and feel it, and surround yourself with kind people. It's also vital to enjoy the journey- very few of us take it and, I at least, have found it a wonderous voyage of discovery, enlightenment and liberation.
Does some of this make sense? How do you feel about the steps I've proposed?
Hugs
Julia
