please help me

[rolfy666]

Hi guys,

I need some help. For a few years now I've felt the need to be a woman. As in breasts and vagina. Off and on, I toss up would I be happy, would people notice the changes and so on. Lately I've felt this strong desire to be a woman with breasts, soft skin, the smell and a vagina and wish day to day for about 4 weeks to wake up and be this. But I always find I revert back to this male sense of dick swinging macho man who pleases his woman. I'm confused. Can u help?

[stephaniec]

when your conflicted like that a good first step is to seek out tharapy

[V M]

Hi Rolfy 

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V M

[Hermosa_Tabby]

But I always find I revert back to this male sense of dick swinging macho man who pleases his woman.

I used to fit into that paradigm.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego
Gender I think fits into the id, but I think people are so controlled by the superego, that they can eventually forget their entire identity themselves since the ego has the majority of the consciousness.
I would turn down the knob on my femininity, until I changed my voice to sound macho, and I kept doing this so long, that I lost who I was and stopped realizing I was doing it. A lifetime of unhappiness followed. It wasn't until a point I hit a depth of horrible in my life the as profound as the mariana trench, that I let my superego go entirely. I realized that I didn't like me or even being around myself anymore. I held no ill for any person, but I vented a lot, and brought a negative cloud with me wherever I went. Awkwardness was consistent.

No matter how masculine you are or present yourself, you may still be trans. This gal has changed transmissions, drove a long haul truck for years, and all sorts of other things that would amaze you if you saw how softspoken and sweet I am.

[sam1234]

Therapy is the first thought that crosses my mind. There are body dysmorphic diseases that can make one feel the way you do. The last thing you want to do is have surgery and then decide you don't want to be a woman.


Sam1234TUFPVR

[Hermosa_Tabby]

Therapy is the first thought that crosses my mind. There are body dysmorphic diseases that can make one feel the way you do. The last thing you want to do is have surgery and then decide you don't want to be a woman.

Sam1234TUFPVR

Agreed. A good therapist can do wonders.
I will include that the moment I became female, all the stuff in my life started to click and things got drastically better.

[rolfy666]

Thanks heaps guys. I'm still tossing up wth is going on and not even at the go to a doctor stage. I just wish there was a way to experience a little bit of it. Like with spiroacitone. But I know taking online drugs without a doc is not a great idea

[Jessica Merriman]

Don't complicate your life and health doing things the wrong way. If you can consider ordering meds online without a prescription you are certainly able to see a therapist. Transition is best when done the right way even though it is a long and frustrating process.

[sam1234]

Be very careful with the over the counter and self medicating. Both the therapist and surgeons have to trust that their patient is going to be compliant with their orders, and taking things first might raise a question in their minds. We shouldn't have to prove we are who we say we are, but that is the way it is right now. Therapists can and will work with you if you have any doubts, that is common, but self medicating may cause problems.

Sam1234

[beccacurls]

Please take come time to do some deep reflection. There is no need to rush into things. And don't beat yourself up when you don't have a definite answer.

It takes time.

[sam1234]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think most transgenders go through a period of "what is going on?". Lots of self reflecting and then weighing what they might lose against what will be gained. Family, friends, co-workers, jobs. You never know how people are going to react, and though once you transition its up to you who to tell, the people around you that you have known for a while will, of course know.

Some of the people i thought would be ok with it weren't and cut contact, while others whom I thought would freak were perfectly fine.

Sam1234

[Tessa James]

Thanks heaps guys. I'm still tossing up wth is going on and not even at the go to a doctor stage. I just wish there was a way to experience a little bit of it. Like with spiroacitone. But I know taking online drugs without a doc is not a great idea

There are ways "to experience a little bit of it".  Many of us cross dressed privately before transition and you can too.  Go to a store and buy something to wear that you like.  You can explain you are shopping for a girl friend who is just your size or shop on line.  For some people that is enough and may help you to understand if this path meets your needs.
Good luck exploring

[RidingTheTigerFEMME]

Thanks heaps guys. I'm still tossing up wth is going on and not even at the go to a doctor stage. I just wish there was a way to experience a little bit of it. Like with spiroacitone. But I know taking online drugs without a doc is not a great idea

Rolfy,

I totally relate to how you're feeling because I struggled with the same issue myself. I was in your exact situation last summer. On the one hand I felt the desire to express my feminine side, but on the other hand I still felt competitive and macho from time to time and didn't fully want to give up masculine dominance and control.

I *highly* recommend talking to a therapist. In my case, I decided to take the plunge after relocating to a new city, and having to rebuild my social circle. I don't know if I would have risked it if I had more social connections.

I foolishly self-medicated. I felt great for a few months, like I was turning over a new page in my life. I really liked the psychological effects of HRT, felt like I was living much more "in the moment" and I felt more authentic and connected with people I interacted with. But I got scared and had second thoughts when my body starting changing.

I stopped self-medicating, and was in complete denial for about a month. I tried to assert myself and act more competitive, and my co-workers definitely noticed a change in behavior. I couldn't accept the fact that I'd never again be able to consider myself completely "a man" anymore.

Long story short: I've finally accepted myself for who I am. But I will say that if I were in your shoes today, there's a chance I may have decided to grow as a man rather than become (increasingly) a woman. So please take the time to think it over and talk it over, because you only have one shot at being a man.

Hope this helps...