Isolation

[Ashley_D]

Hello All,

I'm new here and have been feeling really isolated for many years now. After several hours of searching in resource lists, I found this site and decided to give it a try. The Significant Others forum here actually appears to be alive. The other website I am a member of with a SO section, the forum is essentially dead, and the SO chat is officially dead. I feel like I have been talking to myself the last 2 years on that site.

Anywho, my wife is MtF and has been living full-time for the last 4-5 years (except for a short time where both of us were in deep hiding) without HRT, no doctors of any kind, and no support network in real life. We recently moved to Oregon from a rural farm and factory town in Missouri, were we were facing unreal amounts of persecution (including verbal death threats, and threats with weapons). So, the last 4-5 years we have been in 'crisis mode' and I'm honestly surprised that we are still together and neither one of us is dead by the hand of others or our own selves. Both of us have severe depression and anxiety issues, which were magnified from where we were living. Having to live such a life of secrets and isolation really twists a person, and we are slowly 'unwinding' those twists. Things are calm for the moment, comparatively speaking.

I have found it hard to connect with the few SOs that I have met for a few reasons:

1. I will never have the 'loss of a husband or wife' grieving process, because before we ever started our relationship I knew she was Trans*. When we were just friends all of those years ago, I was her support person for going to her different support groups (we lived in a large Missouri city at that point).

2. I am Genderqueer, so I have a different perspective on Trans* issues than the 'typical cis' SO or 'binary-only' people.

3. I am Pansexual, so there was/is no issue with sexual orientation in our relationship. Many SOs that I have briefly spoken with seem to have the 'but I'm not a Lesbian/Bi' issue that they must reconcile.

If this is too much to digest, I understand. I just believe that honesty is the best policy and facilitates productive communication. I'm here for the Significant Other side of things because while I technically fit under the 'Trans* Umbrella' I am happy and secure with my identity, whereas my wife is still in the battle. While being Genderqueer has its struggles, it is significantly easier than transitioning from MtF in your early 30's.

Thanks for your time and I hope to have some wonderful conversation and a sense of support here.       

[Devlyn]

Hi Ashley, welcome to Susan's Place! Glad you decided to come aboard, we're an active community and look forward to your contributions.  See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Eva Marie]

Hi Ashley - and welcome!

Wow, i'm sorry that you had to deal with people's ignorance and threats of violence! You are very strong people to have dealt with that. Hopefully you live in a place now thats accepting and the both of you can go about living your lives in peace.

I hope that your S/O can find some answers for her issues - is she a member here? She is certainly welcome and will find support here.

[Ashley_D]

Thank you Eva Marie and Devlyn Marie for the welcome.

As to your question Eva,

My wife isn't a member on this site so far as I'm aware. She did recommend the other site I go to a few years ago, and was a member. I found the site on my own, so I'm guessing that she is not. We did just move to Oregon, and it has been so wonderful being able to be 'out and proud' individually and as a couple. We have some amazing friends who offered us a place to stay until we are able to get ourselves set up in town. The household is quite interesting and very accepting. We live with a couple that are both FtM, one post-op the other pre. D, the one who is pre-op is working on his thesis right now. The topic is a very interesting one, a discussion of Trans* in literature. Our house is full of lively discussions surrounding gender identity. My wife often jokingly complains that she is 'drowning in Testosterone' when the guys and I are (in her words) 'guying out' LOL

Thank you again for the warm welcome, and I'm excited to get involved in the discussions here. Hopefully I can be of some help.

[Ms Grace]

Hey Ashley

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum. Hopefully you will be able to find some meaningful support from other SOs on the site.

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Cheers

Grace

[blueconstancy]

Welcome!! I know what you mean; when my wife transitioned, I found effectively zero support for SOs (but for a couple of places saying it was hopeless, and my wife got *anti*-support in the form of trans friends telling her to leave me).

I am also bisexual and non-binary - I don't mention the latter very often here so as not to muddy the waters with partners brand-new to the whole thing - and while my wife did not tell me she was trans before we married, I knew her since we were 15 and she did tell me basically as soon as she figured it out herself.

Anyway, it sounds like you've had a very rough few years, and I hope there's a glimmer of improvement on the horizon!

(Also, if she does start HRT, don't be surprised or angry at yourself if you find it triggers unexpected reactions. You may not ever feel that way, but it's OK if you do, too.)

[KyleeKrow]

are you around portland? you should check out the q center out there if you are. there's a group for trans women every friday from 7-9 and they're also allowed to bring a support person as well.

[1xxMiaxx1]

It is hard to find so's to talk to. I am always on edge about his identity. I say he because he lives as a man but wants to be a woman. I'm trying find a way for the situation to work for him and myself. There doesn't seem to be anybody in the same situation that we are in.There's no one to compare notes with. A lot of people know he is this way because he came out then went back, I married him and then I was told about how he really was by him luckily. for better or worst, it's all so dramatic??