I can't have many therapy sessions because I'm so broke its not funny... I figure I should ask the community what should I do now.. I started already changing my voice but I keep getting this feeling like my body is holding back.. It's like I am not trying hard enough because I am scared how long I can continue to pretend to be a guy.. My friends are also a little concern because I haven't been playing video games like I used to.. this is is stressing a lot more than I thought.. Yesterday I had to tell them something happened to me and that I am in a way sick. They got worried a bit but they ask me what it was.. Luckily my brother change the topic.. but everything went back to normal.. It made me feel really bad.. I want to tell them but I don't have many friends so I am scared I might lose our strong bond.. They all enjoy video games.. The problem is that at the moment video games only stress me out more.. I can't enjoy playing video games.. I want to do something to help me in my transitioning.. Today I looked in the mirror and saw a girl and it made me happy.. I for the first time glance in the mirror and smiled.. something I never seemed before.. My smile was beautiful.. so lady like >w<.. I was so happy but it goes away so quickly when everyone keeps using male pronouns on me.. It stabs my wound more and more.. Two weeks ago I told to my mother and brother about my condition and when I decided to transition I told them they didn't have to worry yet about changing pronouns.. but a week later started to mind. so its hard to take back my words..
As for my work.. It's not so hard so far.. but I am started to notice I am having mood swings (I'm not even on HRT yet).. I used to bubble up all of my feeling and wear the fakest smiles so this is all so new to me.. I don't know how to control them so far.. I noticed I get angry and upset really really quick.. I'm not sure how much different it was to everyone else.. I figured this must be a result of how much I hid inside.. I kind of wore so many mask (personas) I forgot who I was.. I was getting more suicidal after a while until I got saved by surprisingly a book! A JAPANESE GRAPHIC NOVEL!.. sorry just wanted to share this.. I am slowly building my personality... or learning what makes me happy and sad.. I feel like a new me.. and I think a lot of people like it.. Someone at my job said I am acting like a kid and that I look so young for being 22.. I told him my genes.. hehe. But at work everyone saw me as an odd one so it is hasn't being too hard on me.. A lot of people joke that I am a girl so I am secretly enjoying the treatment.. outside of work seems to be the problem.. This is the place where I am insetting stress.. I browse everyday on my computer looking at girl shoes and clothing.. Makes me excited that I'll be able to wear clothing of my taste which is a lot of frills and very girly stuff.. however What my mom recommended me is more of older lady stuff.. I want to wear dresses and not pants and shirts.. that's what I used to wear.. Maybe I am still a kid inside.. After browsing I get depress all I want to do is write and write but my butt hurts from sitting for so long I just lay on my bed and get very emotional.. I wish I had someone to talk to and write to.. I have no friends that know the real me.. I have no female friends.. I am just starting to mold my personality and on top of that it's a little hard to express myself without this feeling of holding back my femininity.. I don't want to scare people away.. Some of my co workers who are extremely ignorant are starting to think I am gay.. I want to say I am.. I like girls.. but then I realized it come out as crazy...
I am happy but this slow acceptance of those around is making me more and more sad.. I feel free but just like a bird.. the cage the was just the first part.. I still the have the door in front of me.. with a lock I can't seem to open because I don't have hands..
