Doubts about being trans/Gender confusion

[tesseract49]

Hi everyone. I feel a bit down lately. I feel like there is a confusion in my gender. Every time I think about living as a male, I immediately decide that I don't want to be male, but I feel like there are parts of my gender that don't match up with the female gender. I am scared of having SRS and yet I would love to have female genitals. Also, I am not at all attracted to men sexually but people have told me that since I want to have a female role in sex, I must secretly desire men. I just feel like I don't know who I am any more. Does anyone else understand this or has ever experienced this? I would love some advice. I am think about gender counselling. I am already on antiandrogens. Thanks xxx

[Emileeeee]

Definitely counseling. I remember that confusion myself and it was never fun!

One thing that took me years to learn to separate was sexuality and gender, and by years I mean more like decades. They really are two different things, but it can be really difficult to separate the two mentally, especially if you've spent a lifetime being taught that it's unnatural to not be straight.

Another one that's even harder to separate is gender and gender norms. You saying there are parts of your gender that don't match up with the female gender make me believe you're confusing gender dysphoria with society's standards for women. They're totally different too. You can wear jeans and flannels with combat boots every day and work as a UFC fighter. It doesn't mean you're not a woman. You just don't fit the stereotype.

I wouldn't worry about SRS right now. There's already a lot on your plate to sort through. No need to add that as something else to be confused over. Some people don't bother with SRS at all. That's really something to consider during transition instead of before. You may find out that you can cope with your current anatomy as long as you're recognized as female and you won't know that until you try some test runs. 

[kelly_aus]

Hi everyone. I feel a bit down lately. I feel like there is a confusion in my gender. Every time I think about living as a male, I immediately decide that I don't want to be male, but I feel like there are parts of my gender that don't match up with the female gender. I am scared of having SRS and yet I would love to have female genitals. Also, I am not at all attracted to men sexually but people have told me that since I want to have a female role in sex, I must secretly desire men. I just feel like I don't know who I am any more. Does anyone else understand this or has ever experienced this? I would love some advice. I am think about gender counselling. I am already on antiandrogens. Thanks xxx

There are parts of me that don't quite fit the female stereotype. But that's all it is, a stereotype, it doesn't really cover the length and breadth of what being a woman can really be. SRS is a major surgery, it's not at all unusual to be scared of it, if you weren't at least a little scared, that would be an issue.

Since when did being a woman mean you had to be attracted to men? There are plenty of lesbians floating around the world, both cis and trans, including me. And I have no desire, secret or otherwise to be with a man.

Sounds like it's time to speak with an experienced gender therapist, I found my quite handy early on.  And I hope a doctor is helping you with the antiandrogens..

[sam1234]

As long as their is doubt or hesitation when you think of having surgery, its probably not a good idea. You just can't undo those things, at least not as far as getting back exactly what you had. Counseling is a good way to go. Someone who is not invested emotionally in you and can give honest feedback without bias. If you can find someone with experience with transgenders, that would be your best bet.

Stereotypical gender roles during sex don't hold anymore. There are women who are more aggressive sexually than the men they are with. I wouldn't base your gender on that. What you do behind closed doors is private and completely up to the the two involved.

Stay on the forum and I'm sure you will run into other people who are experiencing some of the same things you are.

sam1234

[tesseract49]

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better now. I find gender to be a confusing thing. xxx

[ClaireIvene]

One way you can decide what gender you really are in your core and what sex you truly want to associate with is by doing one simple thing. This simple exercise is to meditate and imagine yourself either old or on your death bed maybe even both scenarios. If you are male consistently you are most like male in identity if you are female than voila you must truly be female inside.

In short if you can die the way you currently are than you can live the way you are presently. Sorry though if this all seems so macabre or anything.

[Rejennyrated]

I don't think its obligatory to understand gender. A very long time ago I transitioned and had SRS because my body was not right - I could not accept the genitals I had endof. Questions of gender never really entered my head. Its true I had a very gender flexible childhood because my parents did not believe in enforced gendering and indeed found schools with the same philosophy so I grew up just being freely myself. I never question whether I fit into the "female" role because I don't know what that is any more than I know what a "male" role is. I just know how I am and I figure that while no one objects its all good.

I think you can overthink these things and indeed I'm not a great fan of so called "gender counsellors" for that very reason. I can see that for someone who had very tightly enforced concepts during childhood it might be an issue, but to my mind that just proves that most of humanity is crazy and brings up their kids all wrong! The reality is no one actually is a perfect fit for these so called roles and most of humanity practices selective policing where they notice when someone else violates while excusing or not noticing their own... ergo from my pov the whole concept is rather suspect.

My take on this is if you feel dysphoric then you have a problem, and the only real issue is thinking through how best to reach a happy place. So no I don't think your doubts are anything to worry about.